This one’s pretty simple – no one in Colossvs is fucking each other (even if Ash does love himself to death). Sometimes one of our single members will get lucky at a show, but generally it’s just a sea of sweaty, hairy dudes that most of us don’t feel very romantically attached to. However most of our ex-member’s girlfriends are lovely humans and being away from them for too long made them sad, which we can kind of understand, so long as they aren’t leaving them immediately after they left the band. Yeowch.
2. Michael Calle
Mike is our lead guitarist, our backing vocalist, one of the principle lyricists for Unholy, our accountant, and even a boss for some of us at his coffee manufacturing business in-between tours. He was once described in a press release as the band’s “visionary”, to which everyone spewed a little in their mouths. Regardless, Mike cares about maintaining the integrity, identity, and … vision … of the band probably more so than anyone else that is, or was, ever in it. In accordance with this, he can be extremely stubborn about getting his way with things, or even just shotgunning the best bunk in the tour squat. He’s made leaps and bounds with his handling of democracy over time, and we all love him, and know the band wouldn’t be what it is without him, but hating Mike for a moment because he doesn’t agree with you, or was a bit of a pig-headed fuckhead about how he expressed his feelings about something, is part of the Colossvs experience. For some of those left behind, it was an experience they’d simply had enough of.
3. Chicken Schnitzels
Seriously. Our original guitarist, Joy, is the marketing manager at the now multi-million dollar franchise for ‘Schnitz’. If you haven’t eaten at one yet, it’s kind of like a rip off of Grill’d except with schnitzels instead of burgers, and they’re popping up everywhere. Joy got jack of going on tour once every few months, because apparently sitting in an office and getting paid a decent steady wage to come up with ideas to market fast food to people is not worth jeopardizing for the sake of going out and playing sick metal gigs with your mates, night after night. The best part about it? The cunt’s a vegetarian and hasn’t eaten chicken for years (unless there’s some secret ‘on the job’ snacking happening). Full sell out poser, or just smarter than the rest of us? Maybe both.
4. Not Actually Being Into Metal
Our recently departed bassist Blackout was never really meant to be in a metal band. He joined Colossvs literally because he lived at the studio the first demo was recorded at and had a bass. Our requirements were pretty stringent back then. Funnily enough, he actually hates metal (idiot) and every song written required a thesis of metal history so he understood the difference between a Deicide bit and a Darkthrone part. I mean, he likes the Deftones and Bleeding Through’s The Truth album, but that’s about it. While going on tour with bands like The Black Dahlia Murder and Psycroptic, or playing festivals with Lamb of God and Mayhem were huge “HOLY SHIT” surreal moments which elicited squeals from the rest, for him it was more of a blank stared question of “Who?” Eventually, a life of metal took its toll on Blackout, and you can now find him doing yoga in serene locations, sunning his Colossvs throat tattoo, and eating fresh fruits in a specific order so as to not upset his sensitive tum tum. He’ll probably never be spotted at a metal gig for the rest of his life.
5. Nonna’s Birthday
This is another Joy one, and it kind of feels like we’re picking on him a bit, but whatever. He brought all of this upon himself. Joy is a big hairy wog and comes from a big wog family who hold big wog events with huge platters of big wog food, like olives and yiros and dolmades, and whatever else wogs do to celebrate at every given opportunity seemingly all the damn time. Even before quitting the band, he had a track record of bailing from band practices because he forgot about his third cousin’s uncle’s daughter’s friend from work’s engagement party, or had to go to a last minute celebration for his mother’s brother’s father’s half-sister’s dog’s puppy pre-school graduation. If you ever wanted validation of just how much of a wog Joy is, he once even took a piss alongside Nick Giannopoulos, star of The Wog Boy, while he was out holiday on some Greek island somewhere. “Sorry, can’t play that show we planned months ago for this weekend, I totally forgot it’s my Nonna’s birthday.”
6. Getting a Colossvs Tattoo
Our last vocalist covered his arm with a huge Colossvs skull, and weeks later quit the band. Our last bass player has Colossvs tattooed over his throat with a seal of Satan in between (fuck a job), before leaving the band about a year later. Pretty much once you get a Colossvs tattoo, your days in the band are numbered. We’re cursed. In related news, our singer Lochlan recently blasted his entire knee with a giant Colossvs skull. Bets are already on to see how long he’ll last but we have a feeling he’ll have just as impeccable timing as our previous frontman and quit immediately after we get the first masters back for our next album. Lochlan actually already quit a few months back for 30 seconds after a verbal spat with Ash, our drummer, over mosh shorts and his love of Attila, before coming to his senses and not quitting. So maybe that broke the curse and we’ll be okay? Or maybe you should all get your auditions ready, because we’re about to Northlane like a motherfucker.
CATCH COLOSSVS ON TOUR THIS DECEMBER:
FRIDAY DECEMBER 11 – OLD BAR, MELBOURNE
w/ Sewercide, Exposed, Pagan
SATURDAY DECEMBER 12 – ENIGMA BAR, ADELAIDE
w/ Alkira, Mammoth, Tombsealer, Grimalkin
FRIDAY DECEMBER 18 – HERMANN’S BAR, SYDNEY
w/ To The Grave, Blind Oracle, Burning Season
SATURDAY DECEMBER 19 – CROWBAR, BRISBANE
w/ Jack The Stripper, Coffin Birth, Graveir, Descent
It was not our intention to make women feel objectified, however after the discussions the post created we now see how this was the case for many. To not listen to and act on those concerns would not be in line with our ideals. The post was intended to be humorous, as such it was published on an often satirical website, but clearly it overstepped a line that we did not appropriately consider. Heavy metal can definitely be a boys club and we don’t wish to further a sense of exclusion through our band. The conversation generated has prompted us to edit the article and be more mindful of our attitudes and choice of language moving forward.