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1. Delincuente – Langsam Folter
Oi sick, cheers for the epilepsy warning. One small problem. You probably should have warned us about the AIDS transmission risk because I feel like that is of far more imminent danger. I seriously cannot believe that this shit exists in 2016. I’m gobsmacked. If you took old mate Til Lindemann from Rammstein, forced him to bang a juggalette, and then starved the baby of oxygen for a while, this would be the inevitable result. Incredible.
2. Via The Verge – Monarch
On the face of it, this seems like it should be a good song…until you actually analyse the individual parts. What a clusterfuck, and it’s a real shame, because it COULD have been a good song. Instead, it’s a jumble of ideas that don’t resolve, don’t lead anywhere, and don’t leave any lasting impression. It’s kind of like a patchwork quilt that looks good from a distance, but when you get up close, it’s just a bunch of sewn-together arseholes.
3. Below Arcadia – Bottomfeeder ft. some cunt I don’t know, or care about
You know you’re in for a steaming bucket of shit when it takes a full minute to actually get a fretted note. Good lord. And oh boy, do I ever love it when we have uber tough guy riffz and breakdowns, and then compromise all of it with cleans that sound as menacing as a Bichon Frise that’s been dyed pink, made extra fluffy and then thrown into a pit of oversize balloons with curly streamers and glitter on them.
4. Soul Dissolution – And Every Single Step
I almost wanted to just caption this with “lol listens to Deafheaven once”, but this is somehow even worse. Incredibly repetitive, which I guess suits the melancholic motif just fine, mainly because you end up feeling incredibly depressed that you’ve sat through 6 minutes of jack fuck all by the time it’s over. Although, the little emo thowback section totally made me wish that Mayhem would throw some angsty cleans in, every once and a while. Wait…no it didn’t.
These songs are bland enough to bore the glasses off a speccy git (read: me)
5. Circuit of Suns – Oh My God Particles
hahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This was actually submitted as “space metal”. First of all, get fucked. Secondly, no seriously, get FUCKED. This is terrible. Hilarious wannabe Rings of Saturn riffs, a screamer who sounds like he is gargling an unnamed bodily fluid the whole time, and absolutely no attention to compositional fluency whatsoever. Take your gimmicky bullshit, and cram it deep into your arsehole where it belongs. Oh, and did I mention it’s over 6 minutes long? Yeah, that.
6. Psyclops – Shark Bite
I’ve heard this same song, by about 30 or 40 different stoner/metal bands, in about 50 different inversions that are all better than this. I’ll save you the trouble. It’s a pentatonic riff, with a standard rock beat + cowbell, with a raspy ‘singer’. Sound familiar? Of course it does, because you’ve probably heard the same shit a thousand times too. Sure, it probably sounds mint when you’re a few cones deep, but for the rest of us, it’s just an excuse for a 3 minute and 24 second power nap. Cheers.
7. Manic Mike and the Mood Stabilizers – Chemically Dependent
Never before have I heard a song title as apt as ‘Chemically Dependent’. It’s appropriate for a few reasons, incidentally. 1) You would have to be chemically dependent to actually write this and 2) you would have to be equally smacked up to enjoy this in any way, shape, or form. If you ever wanted to know the answer to the question “What happens when you lend a meth-head a Tascam recorder”, then this certainly has a pretty strong case for being the resultant product. Jesus fucking Christ. Actually, the most surprising thing is that old mate refrained from pawning the Tascam long enough to record a couple songs. Good job, pal.
8. Lost Honours – Corrupt Kings
The only good thing about this song is the female vocalist. That lass should definitely find herself a new band, because this is totally uninspired metalcore, with screams that would be more at home in a men’s only sauna. Do yourself a favour, and find a bunch of musicians more befitting your talent, because otherwise this rag tag band of merry shitcunts will only drag you down to their level. Do the right thing.
9. The Patient – Unite As One
This is probably okay, to be totally honest, so why are you in here? Because you submitted a demo, you utter cunts. So for that, you can end up in my shitty list of shitty bands, because I run this fucking shitty website and I’ll do whatever I damn-well please. Also, an extra fuck you, because the kick drum hurts my ears. I’m old. Get off my lawn. *insert other old man jokes here*
10. Cause of Accident – Designs
How can a song with such an urgent beat still be boring, you ask? It just fucking can, okay. Don’t ask me to explain how these cretins have managed to make an upbeat alt rocker still make you want to nod off halfway through, but they have managed it in spades. It could be the minute or more that they spent on their super hilarious intro, or maybe it’s the soporific tone of the singer’s voice. Either way, I found myself struggling to pay attention the whole time, and considering that a major pastime of mine is to watch as paint binds itself to walls, that’s kind of saying something.