Song Review: Metallica – ‘Hardwired’

Song Review: Metallica – ‘Hardwired’

Band: Metallica
Song: Hardwired
Genre: Metal \m/
Date of Release: 18th August, 2016
Reviewer: Chris Giacca
For Fans Of: Other Metallica songs, Kill ‘Em All era

Ahhh, yes. New Metallica time is always fun. The internet is a fantastic place to be, at this time of year. Right now, as I type this self indulgent wank out on my shitty laptop, people with less musical talent than James Hetfield has in one of his grey pubes are arguing about whether this is a glorious return to form, or just the latest in a long list of disappointments post-Justice. So, with that in mind, I’m going to add to the pile, and you’re going to sit there and read every word I have to say, like the good little pleb you are. Damn straight.

So I’ll start off by saying that this song is evidence of several things. The first thing that it is undeniable, irrefutable proof of, is that Kirk Hammett needs to quit. He has had a well publicised battle with arthritis, and it really shows. St. Anger had no solos, and somehow, that was still preferable to Death Magnetic‘s pathetic offering of wah-laden, standard pentatonic abuse. I don’t know how someone goes from writing, say, the ‘Call of Ktulu’, or ‘Unforgiven’, or ‘Master of Puppets’ solos, to peddling out an increasingly bland palette of utter shit, but I wish he would fuck off already. This actually hurts, considering I hero worshipped the curly-headed fuck when I was a kid. Now, it seems like he is rocking up into the studio, and recording his solos with a dildo. And not a big, impressive, veiny motherfucker either, no. I’m talking one of those little petite ones that is shaped like a lipstick tube, the kind that your mother keeps in her handbag just in case she runs into me down town and needs to duck off into the squats for a quick bit of relief.

Another thing that is patently obvious is that, somehow, and despite being a stately 53 years old, James Hetfield is inexplicably still an angsty fifteen year-old. The chorus would be kind of embarrassing if it wasn’t coming from one of the most famous musicians in the world. The fact that it is, makes it encroach into ‘hilarious’ and ‘unbelievable’ territory instead. I actually cannot fathom how, in *insert current year*, Hetfield thought that chorus was a good idea. But hey, he’ll make more money out of this one song’s ad revenue than I will in my entire writing career, so what do I know? Sidenote: Papa Het sure can still smash out a riff though, gatdamn.

I’ve seen a lot of people pissing and moaning about the production on this song, too. The general consensus seems to be ‘why the fuck, when they can afford literally anything in the world, does this sound like dry balls slapping on flypaper?’, and that’s a fair question. Personally I don’t think it is too bad. It sounds like a Metallica song, which is basically exactly how it should sound. Lars has a distinctive (read: average) drum sound, and in my honest opinion, we should be truly grateful that we are now a solid two albums removed from St. Snareless, so all you’ll cowards should stop bitching. It could always be worse.

Basically, aside from the lyrics and the solo sucking a massive bag of dew-scented, rotting cocks, the song isn’t too bad. It is pretty reminiscent of their thrash beginnings, and I’m sure there are plenty of people that are keen for the return of Fast-allica, even if it does come without the appropriate hair length. It will be interesting to see what the first Metallica double album serves up. And yes, Load and ReLoad should have been released as a double album, but they weren’t. Cheers.

Vocals: 7/10
Lyrics: 2/10
Guitar: 6.5/10
Bass: actually there/10
Percussion: Lars/10
Songwriting: 7/10
Production: 7/10
Personal Enjoyment: 6/10
Overall IPHYB Rating: 6/10

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Song Review: Metallica – ‘Hardwired’
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  • Matt Curtis

    Pretty much sums up all of my feelings. Hell of a review, man.

  • ftyjyry

    Kirk’s solos were never any good, they’re just part of the Metallica sound. I don’t see why he suddenly needs to quit now. If anything he deserves praise for not overusing the wah-wah pedal for the first time in decades.

    • Trajan Augustus

      Kirk has some awesome solos. Blackened, The thing that should not be, Puppets, etc. He just hooked on the Wah.

      • ftyjyry

        I won’t disagree with you. He’s got a unique style that would be out of place in any other band and Metallica wouldn’t sound like Metallica without him.

        (Extra points from me for using pre-Black Album song examples.)

      • ftyjyry

        I won’t disagree with you. He’s got a unique style that would be out of place in any other band and Metallica wouldn’t sound like Metallica without him.

        (Extra points from me for using pre-Black Album song examples.)

  • Juda Farmer

    Lmao What a load of bollocks.

    There are of course just as many people with twice as much talent, who knows this is forced shit.

    All I see is a fanboi stroking it cause the greatest boy band of all time makes his dick hard.