CHERRY BAR Poo Their Knickers Over Bad AIRBOURNE Review, Hilarity Ensues

CHERRY BAR Poo Their Knickers Over Bad AIRBOURNE Review, Hilarity Ensues
Melbourne venue Cherry Bar‘s Facebook page has a reputation amongst us cynical folk who enjoy a good yuk at other’s expense as a goldmine for cringeworthy, overly salty posts. Alas, they well and truly lived up to the reputation yesterday when they posted a passionate defence — which we have provided in all its unedited glory — of their beloved locals-made-good-rockers Airbourne, who received a scathing 1.5/5 star review from Beat magazine contributor Nathan Quattrucci:

I was extremely disappointed to see that Beat magazine contributor Nathan Quattrucci has given the new Airbourne album ‘Breakin’ Outta Hell’ a scathing 1.5 star review. You idiot.

Airbourne, originally from Warnambool but now Melbourne lads through and through, are currently the very best exponents of Aussie Pub Rock. A genre that sadly gets more respect overseas than it does at home. As evidenced by Nathan’s smart-arse review.

Airbourne tour Europe to huge Full Houses and headline some of their biggest festivals, such as Wacken Open Air where the band have played to over 70 000 adoring rock fans. And its uninformed reviews such as this one from Nathan IN THEIR HOME TOWN that are exactly responsible for their Booking Agent and Manager having the attitude of: “why bother touring and investing in Australia when it’s the only place on earth where we are given no respect??!!” The exact same thing happened to AC/DC when they started out.

Nathan’s criticism of the new album is that it all sounds the same. So what? If you’re onto a good thing, stick to it! Let me remind you of one of my favourite Angus Young quotes from a press conference for the ‘Ballbreaker’ album. A journalist asked “But isn’t it true that AC/DC have been releasing the same album for 20 years?’ To which Angus responded, “Correction. 25.”

Aussie Pub Rock is largely simple meat and potatoes foot-to-the-floor rock n roll. And we love it that way. Nathan writes, “Lyrically, every song has to do with some combination of beer/pubs/hell/the man who turns down rock and how much he sucks.” Correct Nathan, and you are that man that sucks. You should NOT be reviewing this exceptional Aussie Pub Rock album if you don’t understand and enjoy the genre. Just as you should not give me a Justin Bieber record to review, which I understand to other people apparently has some real merit.

Airbourne are from Melbourne. Airbourne are sensational. Airbourne do it tough in this country. Triple J refuses to play them. Even Triple M refuses to really get behind them, which is a complete mystery to me. Airbourne deserve more respect and support, especially from THEIR HOME FUCKING TOWN. But, Nathan has taken the easy route for cheap laughs and hung shit all over this tough rock n roll record. He is a traitor to Melbourne and to rock n roll. I’m very pissed off with Nathan, who should have another listen to track 6 “I’m Going To Hell For This.”

James Young owner and booker of Cherry Bar gives Airbourne’s ‘Breakin’ Outta Hell’ album 4.5 Stars. It is their best recording to date and comes closest to capturing their electrifying live show.

And for all its jaw-dropping brashness ‘Down On You’ is an instant classic that should be applauded, laughed at and rocked out to for eternity.

Airbourne, we love you. Come home. See you at The Trak on Friday 20 January. Those in the know whole-heartedly agree with you, “It’s Never Too Loud For Me”!

#airbourne

I don’t think I really need to point out what’s wrong with this statement, but here we are in *current year*, and people still don’t seem to understand exactly what music critics do. It boggles the mind that there are still people out there who do not understand the concept of critique, and what purpose it serves in the consumer chain. Unbelievable.

Now, we wouldn’t be the internet shit-stirrers-in-chief that we are, if it weren’t for scathing reviews. Hell, they’re our bread and butter. And whilst, sure, it is hilarious to just poke fun at Cherry Bar for being supremely wrong about the role of critics, and the veracity of a critique, we here at IPHYB have a higher moral standard than that. We pride ourselves in being impartial, in really lending a certain integrity to the art of music critique. So, of course we wouldn’t dream of opening the dialogue up to our music discussion group, and then harvesting the feedback for an article. Not us. No sir! So, yeah, we totally did that. The following are all quotes from various members of our group after listening to the album, which you can find linked at the bottom. Feel free to chuck your own summary in the comments.

AC/DC: Rock or Bust

Aussie stars, despite personal setbacks, stick to their tried-and-true formula: Big riffs, seedy lyrics

AC/DC ringmaster Brian Johnson may be approaching 70, but that won’t stop him from yowling like a young lech: “Mistress, mistress, all night long/Keep on comin’ hot and strong,” he shouts on “Rock the House,” a bluesy cut from the Aussie power-chord monsters’ latest LP. This is a band that has never so much as detoured from its highway to hell over the past four decades. In 1980, AC/DC built their biggest album ever, Back in Black, with Johnson stepping in after the death of founding frontman Bon Scott. Now they’ve pummeled out another disc that fits right into their discography, even without rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young, who has bowed out due to a debilitating illness.

AC/DC remain hard rock’s masters of déjà vu. With Young’s nephew Stevie Young filling in for him, the arena-rock vets whip out plenty of electrifying fist-pumpers like “Play Ball” and the locomotive-powered “Rock the Blues Away,” while testing their libidos on the seedy stripper ode “Sweet Candy” and stretching their car metaphors accordingly on “Emission Control” – all in four minutes or less. AC/DC may have no interest in ever improving on their core sound, but that also means they’ll never run the risk of ruining it.

EDIT: Replace anything AC DC related with Airbourne stuff and that’s my review done.

This album truly captures the powerful, energetic and often hard hitting style of good old Australian pub rock, a genre who’s current resurgence is the reason I don’t go to gigs anymore

This album honestly surprised me, not because it’s good (because it’s not) but because it’s the first album I’ve ever listened to where it sounded better skipping through it than listening to it from start to finish. I would put some names of songs that are even remotely memorable, but considering it took me 4 songs before I even noticed the songs had changed, I don’t think I can.

Not many albums can hold the honour of inspiring its very own drinking game, but me and my mates were inspired by this classic album to take a shot after every song. Unfortunately we hit the end of the album completely bone dry as we had yet to notice any changes in what was being played at all

This ACDC worship fails to capture the energy and raw fun that their idols put in, and so you are left with a generic pile of songs that, while not badly composed or written, are just nothing special. The bottom of mediocrity that at times make you cringe as you realise that each and every song sounds the same. Props to these guys though, cause my dad told me to say that you rock and he’ll go see you at the local one day when “the missus will let him out”.

There’s scraping the bottom of the barrel, there’s dive fishing in a septic tank, and then there’s Airbourne’s attempt at ‘music’. Minus 5 stars.

The best album by ACDC… I mean wolfmoth… I mean jet… I mean fuck who are these guys again?

Yukon-Kuskokwim Delta, British Columbia, Canada. October, 2016

Nukalpiaq leader Cup’ig Messilostin collects firewood north-east from his iglu on the baron Yukon Peninsula. Cup’ig knows that if he’s unable to find sufficient fuel for the next few days, he and his family may perish. A severe snowstorm with winds of up to 80 mph is due to touch down from the Yukon-Kuskokwim all the way down to Kuskokwim River, and they’ll need to hunker down until the blizzard passes through.

As Cup’ig places the last piece of firewood into his leather sack — made by his wife, влагалище — he notices a disturbance in the snow, approximately a mile in the distance. Through the fleeting blizzard, Cup’ig spots a man on a horse, galloping towards him with almost supernatural speed.

Cup’ig immediately reaches for his 22. long rifle, unsure if he’ll be able to load and fire the rifle in time, and whether or not the measly 22. will even stop the horsebound madman hurtling towards him. Less than 100 metres away, Cup’ig finally raises his rifle and aims at the man, ready to take him down. Suddenly, the man comes to a complete halt.

Cup’ig lowered his rifle, unsure of what to make of the imposing figure. Suddenly, the traveller reached into a small leather sack and produced a small, cube-shaped object. He quickly tossed it to Cup’ig, who failed to grasp it in his tiny, effeminate hands. As Cup’ig reached down to pick it up, the magical gift-bearing stranger galloped off, again travelling at what seemed like an otherworldly pace.

Cup’ig was bewildered at the encounter, but even moreso at the stranger’s gift. He studied the object, unsure exactly what to make of it. It was an icecube. An icecube? Cup’ig was completely baffled. Why would a stranger ride up to him and impart such a mystifying gift? Cup’ig collected his rifle and firewood, hurrying back to the iglu to inform влагалище of his strange encounter.

Once Cup’ig had returned home and informed влагалище, they sat down in front of fire to marvel at the somewhat unassuming object. “What could it be?” asked влагалище. “Impossible to know” replied Cup’ig, as puzzled and unsure what to do with the strange object as влагалище was. “Wait! I have an idea!” exclaimed Cup’ig, and he excitedly picked up the icecube from the table. “Watch this” he said to влагалище, and promptly threw it into the fire.

“Oh!” влагалище exclaimed, shocked as Cup’ig’s seemingly reckless action. They glanced at each other with looks of both anticipation and concern. Directing their attention to the fire, they fell into a deep silence as they watched the curling flames, waiting for something — anything — to happen. After almost a full minute had passed, both Cup’ig and влагалище heard the extraordinary sound at the same time.

“Pffft”

“Oh!” cried влагалище. “Was…was that a–”

Before влагалище could continue, Cup’ig cut her off. “Yes” said Cup’ig blankly. “It was a fart”.

влагалище immediately burst into tears. Cup’ig moved closer to console her, also shocked to the core at the farting ice cube, but aware that влагалище needed him to remain strong. Little did they know, however, the terror had just begun.

Approximately every three minutes, the ice cube produced another offensive, fetid fart. By the sixth fart, both влагалище and Cup’ig were on the floor, gasping for air, locked in a dying embrace. Tragically, by the 12th and final fart, Cup’ig and his beautiful wife влагалище were both dead.

TL;DR

Airbourne – Breakin’ Outta Hell is a mythical farting ice cube that will kill eskimos.

This sounds like the type of music your dad had on from 7am to hold the PTSD panic attacks at bay. Which is to say it’s marginally more acceptable than living in a constant state of mental distress, but not by much.

Your meth-addled truck driver uncle’s AOTY, truly sublime as a parody; unjustified in it’s existence with any degree of earnestness.

This album put me into a trance, made me shave my head and buy a harley and some steel cap boots. Now i cant leave my house . Thanks Airbourne.

I gave this album a 5/5 because Airbourne are really popular in Europe and because, as a true blue fair dinkum Aussie bloke, I am proud of the hard work this band puts in. \m/ Also they are good dudes!

I can feel my hair falling out just looking at the comments in regard to this post. No review is necessary.

Leukemia/10

The only thing worse than this mediocre album is that Cherry Bar dude losing his fucking shit over someone else not liking it as much as he did. 1/5

CHERRY BAR Poo Their Knickers Over Bad AIRBOURNE Review, Hilarity Ensues
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Chris Giacca

Publisher at IPHYB
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.

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