Worst of IPHYB

Song Review: Collisions – “Wanderer”

Song review: Wanderer Band: Collisions Location: Canberra, Australian Capital Territory Date of Release: 2nd April 2014 Genre: Hardcore/Beatdown Reviewer: Erised Jesus titty fucking Christ this sounds bad. How bad? Allow me to set the scene if you will. You’ve had a long week. It’s Friday night. You’ve had a hankering for Mexican all damn week, and nothing is going to stand between you and that epic feed of Quesadillas, Nachos, Burritos and every other delicious sounding thing you can get your hands on. There’s just one problem….You’ve suddenly had a bad case of gastro drop you to your knees. You power through the stomach cramps, belt down as many Enchiladas as you possibly can before the urge to void your bowels becomes far too strong to ignore. You just barely make it to the bowl in time before unholy hell unleashes from your rectum, filling the tiny cubicle with the rancid stench of fecal matter and the unearthly sound of toilet-bowl-amplified-arse-trumpeting. That particular sound is EXACTLY what the guitars sound like in this song. Fuck I’m hungry now…. Anyway, the vocals are fairly horrendous as well, so I can only assume that the singer was struck down by said case of gastro shortly before recording, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt there. The lyrics are painfully mediocre, so much so that they are almost quaint in their sincere charm. Almost.   The best part of the song, without question, is comfortably the drums. That being said, the attack is super consistent, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that they are probably programmed, which is...

Song Review: Passive Aggressor – “Truth Be Damned”

Song review: Truth Be Damned Band: Passive Aggressor Location: Orange County/Los Angeles, California Date of Release: 13th March 2013 Genre: Crossover Reviewer: Erised The best thing about doing this review is that I really only had to listen to the song once. It’s really, really boring. Really. It’s also really, really repetitive. Really. Also, guys, you needn’t have bothered getting “pervy” to do the solo while you, the audience and even next doors 35 year old cat Tess nod off from the sheer stupor that this utter dross generates. FYI, the solo is hella average anyway, so even if you did fall asleep half way through (I’m fairly sure you did), all you missed was some shitty overbends and woefully inadequate technique allied to some stale hammer ons. /review Vocals: 3/10 Guitars: 3.333333333333333333333333333333333/10 (see what i did there? huehuehue) Drums: 1/10 (that’s one point for every week I assume the drummer has been playing for) Lyrics: wait….there was lyrics….in THIS song?/10 Songwriting: a generous 2/10 overall IPHYB Rating: -4/10 for getting me to listen to all fucking 6:07 of this...

Song Review: Cursed By Failure – “No Ass Is Worth Thinking About That Much…I Always Say”

Song review: No Ass Is Worth Thinking That Much About… I Always Say Band: Cursed By Failure Location: Mattoon, Illinois Date of Release: 23rd January 2014 Genre: Death Metal Reviewer: Erised The first thing that came to mind when I pressed play was “holy fucking low frequencies batman”. It’s difficult to review a song when pretty much everything is competing for exactly the same sonic range, but here goes. Sludgy, poorly recorded guitars. Grainy, poorly recorded vocals. Overly loud, poorly recorded drums. Sensing a theme here?   I could actually only stand to listen to this song once, because everything just skullfucks you at once, and totally not in a good way. Please invest in a decent recording guys, and then maybe we will be able to actually hear what’s going on. Not much more to say really, there was some vaguely interesting parts, but overall they were buried under a ridiculous wave of brown-noise.   Overall IPHYB Rating: Once again, it’s hard to give specific ratings here, so i’ll just give it a 3.5...

Song Review: Oceans Ate Alaska – “To Catch A Flame”

Song review: To Catch A Flame Band: Oceans Ate Alaska Location: Birmingham, England Date of Release: 2nd April 2012 Genre: Progressive Metalcore Reviewer: Erised Disclaimer: These twats do have “Progressive” in their genre, however, I flat out refuse to categorise them thusly. You shitcunts are stock standard Rise Records Metalcore. Deal. Oceans Ate Alaska, prepare thy anus. Strike 1: Opening your shitty music video with a bullshit joggermosh riff that sounds like it could have been ripped from any risecore band circa 2010 Strike 2: Crouch-moshing so low about mid-way through the song that you all look like you’re auditioning for the Birmingham Junior Girls Ballet matinee. Strike 3: Atrocious high-screams that carry as much menace as a 3 legged Bichon Frise with a barking impediment. Strike 4: You don’t fucking get one, but you DO get a bonus mention for the awful fucking lyrics “Catching flames, is such a dangerous game to play! All your left with is burnt fingers; black cinders in the palm of your hands!” No shit sherlock. The only shred of decency in this song is the half decent tone of the singer’s voice. It’s a little Reece Mastin-y, but he actually uses the vibrato in his voice a bit which is rare in this genre. Vocals: Screams: 5/10 Cleans: 6/10 Guitars: 4/10 Bass: wotbass/10 Drums: 4/10 Production: 9/10 Lyrics: 4/10 Songwriting: 3/10 Overall IPHYB Rating:...

Song Review: Hope In Hand – “In The Company Of Wolves”

Song review: In The Company Of Wolves Band: Hope In Hand Location: Caloundra, Queensland Date of Release: 20th September 2013 Genre: Metal/Hardcore Reviewer: Erised You know what band I really love? Northlane. You know what I really hate? Bands trying to sound EXACTLY LIKE THEM. This song is ridiculous. Just fucking plagiarism. I’m really, really surprised they haven’t had a lawsuit filed against them yet. This song is akin to those asstards who see a patent they think is a brilliant idea, change the packaging ever so slightly and then flog it off as their own product. As for the actual specifics of the song, and the qualities that it has, it’s not even worth reviewing. Instead, I’m going to pop on Abrasumente and try and forget I ever had to listen to this abomination. Rating: Northlane/10 for...

Song Review: King Hit The Queen – “Awake”

Song review: Awake Band: King Hit The Queen Location: Toowoomba, Queensland Date of Release: 11th January 2014 Genre: Melodic Hardcore Reviewer: Erised You guys really are an obliging lot, aren’t you? I complain about the lack of shit songs, you serve me up some total dross as if by some form of hack-magic. Kudos! Continuing on from the previous band, these kids are also from Toowoomba, but don’t hold that against them. Or do…what do I care. Anyway, not content with simply being from the same town, they also share the stage quite often and presumably each others beds too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…. Anywho, back to the song. I’m not quite as upset at having to listen to this song over and over again to do the review, but still wish i could somehow mute the vocals. Yelling into a mic, does not a vocal track make lads. The high point of the vocal performance was the Dildonator (as he shall henceforth be referred to) yelling “blech”. I really like that vocal line. Architects make good use of it. Northlane make good use of it. Why not these fucks? I mean, sure both those aforementioned bands have good vocalists….and I guess they are also good bands….but surely you wouldn’t begrudge a tbar resident aping his idols, right? RIGHT?! The rest of the song is uninspiring but tidy, so i’m going to spare you the lengthy in-depth analysis and instead share with you an entertaining haiku I wrote just this very minute which sums up this song. Your vocals are bad When I hear them I...

Song Review: My Friend The Betrayer – “Voices”

Song review: Voices Band: My Friend The Betrayer Location: Toowoomba, Queensland Date of Release: 22nd January 2013 Genre: Metalcore Reviewer: Erised Disclaimer: This song was recorded with the band’s previous vocalist. Said vocalist is *NOT* the vocalist pictured in the featured image. Thankyou for your time. You know what pissed me off most about this steaming shitpile of a song? It wasn’t the ridiculous cliche abuse. It wasn’t the fact that these would have to be without doubt the worst high screams I’ve ever had the extreme misfortune of hearing in my entire life. It’s not even the fact that people actually “like” this utter abortion. It’s the fact that I had to listen to it more than once. Should have been titled “This is what week long constipation sounds like”. Vocals: 3/10 (that’s being very, very generous) Guitars: 4.5/10 Bass: 3/10 Drums: 4.5/10 Production: 6/10 Lyrics: 3/10 Songwriting: 3/10 Overall IPHYB Rating:...