Worst of IPHYB

Song Review: Electric Sleep – “Burning”

Song review: Burning Band: Electric Sleep Location: Houston, TX Date of Release: 19/3/14 Genre: Unknown was the “genre” submitted Reviewer: Grass-Man Attention internet! This is part of IPHYB’s stay off drugs and stay in school campaign. If you would kindly click on the link you will understand why we here at IPHYB believe finishing school and staying of drugs is important. Not only for your own well being but for our FUCKING SANITY as well! I have no idea what ol mate here from Electric Sheep was thinking when, not just writing this steaming pile of shit but what the cunt was smoking, shelving, snorting and injecting at the time the decision was made to submit this to us for review. For fucks sake, mate! I’d imagine that this would be the sounds of the beginning of the junky apocalypse, where the planet had dried up of drugs and the addicts of the world are yelling random lines and whipping random instruments with their trusty old belts that have no use for them being tied around their arms anymore. Don’t get me wrong here people. I am down for a party and a good fucking time. But we all need to know where our limits are and have the will power to be able to stop us from stepping over that metaphoric line in the sand. This cunt hasn’t just stepped over that line, he’s driving down the motorway in a stolen golf buggy with an octopus tied to his head via the tenticles, a cat strapped to the front of the buggy with its tail tied up in...

Song Review: Lefthand Path – “We Are Alone”

Song review: We Are Alone Band: Lefthand Path Location: Baton Rouge, Los Angeles Date of Release: 30th March 2014, unfortunately for me and everyone else with a working set of ears Genre: Shouse Reviewer: Erised, unfortunately for you and ultimately me for having the extreme displeasure of having to sit through this bile more than once Eeuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s the first line of this “song” (I use that in the broadest possible sense of the word) and sums up the general tone of my review quite neatly as a nifty little quirk of fate. The production is akin to the watery juice that is left in the bottom of an industrial skip at the end of the week at your local supermarket. It’s composed of rapidly decomposing organic matter, the bacteria really doing a number on everything due to the ideal conditions for propagation, and everything that isn’t yet rancid is just waiting it’s turn to become indistinguishable slush. Just substitute the imagery for low end and you have the production values in a half-rotted nutshell. The vocals are so bad that, had it not been for a timely phone call to social services, I would have been arrested for subjecting my long-suffering pregnant wife and my unborn daughter to the aural atrocity contained within this shitty ditty, so thanks for that. At the start he sounds like he is gargling the fluid that lead to said daughter’s conception and by the end of it his poor throat sounds like it has been through the sort of torture the “actresses” on facialabuse.com endure regularly in pursuit of a quick buck...

Song Review: Shit Lyk Dat – “Stuff Lyk Things”

Song review: “Song Name” Band: Shit Lyk Dat Location: Australia Date of Release: 9th of Jan, 2011 Genre: “Wow” Reviewer: Dyler Turden It’s said that every generation has its anthem. And if history is anything to go by, every generation has its own defining voice in music. Like The Beatles, or Elvis Presley before them, like Nirvana or The Sex Pistols – there are few who truly deserve to be called an “artist”. It’s the kind of music that sweeps through a populace like wild fire, floods your brain like a monsoon and touches your soul in a way no one can explain. Contained within the beautifully crafted melodies and lyrics are messages that speak directly to your heart, and connect effortlessly with the human condition, fulfilling a yearning shared by any who’s ears are graced with the raw power of a universally beautiful song. I don’t believe the “naughties” generation have felt this. Sure, they can go back and listen to Nirvana or the Stones, but they’ll never really know the feeling of being PART OF a musical revolution, part of something BIGGER, part of something that MATTERS, something to be written into history and immortalised through stores and legends… until now. Enter: Shit Lyk Dat, with the battle cry for this generation, “Stuff Lyk Things”. Our path to a new plane of musical awareness begins with a percussion intro, as hauntingly beautiful as it is elegantly simple. Following is a short, but masterfully crafted guitar part. Subtly hinting at the genius of the player, the feeling and emotion behind the strummed chords is impossible to ignore with...

Song Review: The Schemers – “Whispers of Revolution”

Song review: “Whispers of Revolution (Demo)” Band: The Schemers (now defunct) Location: Somewhere in the UK Date of Release: N/A Genre: Ska/Punk Reviewer: Dyler Turden https://soundcloud.com/theschemers/whispers-of-revolution-demo The Steamers raise more questions than answers with “Whispers of I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-this-is-supposed-to-be”. Is there any point in submitting a demo? Is there any point in submitting your band after you break up? Who the fuck listens to Ska? These are just some of the thousand or so baffling questions raised by this submission. Let’s begin at the beginning, and try to make some kind of sense out of this abomination of a track. Hitting play and immediately regretting this decision, I was greeted by something resembling an electric guitar recorded through a phone in the room next to someone playing guitar with their dick, while asleep. Doing that typical Ska upstrum rubbish, I was annoyed before any other band member could come in and inevitably make me seriously consider ending my life. When what I can only assume to be the drums come clumsily crashing in, it’s obvious that this is going to be literally one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. There is zero bottom end, only ear piercing high end in this pile of shit – I understand it’s a demo but how the fuck are YOU supposed to tell what’s going on if you can’t even listen back to it in some clarity? This sounds like a bunch of non-musicians swapping instruments while having a fit, while their one friend who knows one Ska riff plays it over and fucking over. In the dark. The vocalist is barely audible, and...

Song Review: Breaking the Paradox – “Portals”

Song review: “Portals” Band: Breaking The Paradox Location: Columbia, MD, USA Date of Release: 20/04/2014 Genre: Terminal Reviewer: Thrillhouse Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Seriously? Did you seriously submit this to us? It’s like Kellin Quinn and Oli Sykes jizzed in a cup, donated the cup and it’s contents to Capture the Crown, and Breaking the Paradox was the result of CTC ferociously jamming every drop of Kellin and Oli’s man stew into their wombs. This is hands down, the worst band I’ve reviewed in a while, if not the worst I’ve ever reviewed. And that’s saying something, because I’ve reviewed Apate. You know what the funniest part is? This quote from their Facebook page: “We would like to begin playing small shows in the very near future, and eventually move on to medium venues opening for bigger bands. Were going to be famous.” Once again; HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So let’s start off this the vocals (or so they like to call them). Terrible. Just terrible. If the screams this dickhead does were a puppy, I’d do the humane thing and drown them in a bucket. Give up, bro. You suck, plain and simple. And what the fuck is with the opening line? “Have you ever seen a portal?” It’s like they’re trying to be deep and mysterious, but they forgot that they’re brain damaged and stupid. Your lyrics are bad and you should feel bad. The clean vocalist should have been aborted. Off key, whiney, badly double-tracked bullshit is all the clean vox can be described as. This one takes after Kellin more than daddy Oli. I wonder if Kellin knows he has a...

Song Review: Enter The Flow – “The Desert”

Song review: The Desert Band: Enter The Flow Location: Buena Park, Somewhere in the USA I guess Date of Release: March 2014 Genre: Psychedelic Rock Reviewer: Erised Man am I ever sick of shitty home done recordings. I’m pretty damn sure the guitarist “Pervy” is the same twat who provided the “solo” for a song I reviewed by Passive Aggressor about 3 months ago. That shitful pus-fest still haunts me to this day, so naturally I was apprehensive before I pressed play on this song. Turns out my instincts were 100% spot on. Now, this isn’t quite as bad as the Passive Aggressor song was, but at 6 fucking minutes long I’m still really pissed off at having to sit through it numerous times in order to write this review. Let’s get it out of the way shall we? First of all, we have a stupid 12 bar blues progression inspired intro that goes for a fucking minute ten or so. It’s boring, not at all appealing and completely surplus to the demands of the song. In fact, pretty much anything that requires the drummer is suplus to the requirements of this song because he’s fucking terrible. Out of time, presumably out of his mind on psychedelics and totally deluded when it comes to his kick-drum abilities. The vocals are surprisingly solid. He can definitely sing, it’s just a shame that the song is so horribly uninspired. The guitarwork is soporific and Pervy’s lead work once again fails to impress with his stilted phrasing jerking to a long overdue climax like a porn-theatre hound listening through the keyhole while...

Song Review: XAD – “SLUT”

Song review: SLUT Band: XAD and Vicki Lovecat Location: Haarlem, The Netherlands Date of Release: 22nd December, 2012 Genre: Grunge…by the sounds of it heavily influenced by Marijuana Reviewer: EriStoned Oh fucking lawd! This is utterly ludicrous and what’s worse is that it’s actually really catchy. Seriously, fuck you cunts for writing something that is so poorly recorded, poorly performed and just all around shit but with enough catchiness to ensure that my brain can’t get rid of that chorus, no matter how much bleach I drink, no matter how many times I belt my forehead into the desk in front of me and no matter how many times I give myself a milk enema whilst simultaneously masturbating with sandpaper to the delightful strains of Betty White Reads: Little Women. Actually, that last bit was just my typical Tuesday night routine, but nevertheless, your retarded ear-worm of a “song” was with me, as pervasive and everpresent as the stench that follows Hotrod post-Mexican, constant as the gravity that anchors Thrillhouse’s freakishly large penis to the ground and as incessant as Thall’s cries during our IPHYB Head Office mandated “cuddle time” every afternoon. This review is over. If the parts had have been recorded in time, it actually would have been bearable, but the laggy guitarwork, lethargic vocals and lobotomised drumwork render this ode to masturbatory glory damn near unlistenable. I would hazard a guess that everyone involved with this recording was baked as fuck when they were tracking their respective parts, and you can actually tell which members were slightly more baked than others by calculating the lag and...

Song Review – Blame The Moon – “Lost Boys”

Song review: Lost Boys Band: Blame The Moon Location: Perth, Western Australia Date of Release: 13th December 2013 Genre: Alternative/Pop Reviewer: Erised Straight up, I fucking resent you so much. Fuck you guys for making me listen to this intolerable excrement as many times as I had to to finish writing this review. First of all, I’ve been listening to a LOT of Prog and Djent lately, so at first I thought the intro to this was a sweet poly-rhythmic shift designed to shake up the foundation of the stale, saccharine cliches that are endemic within the Alt Pop scene. As the song wore on I realised it was actually just sloppy, out of time drivel that would be the bane of my sanity over the coming 4 listens. So I guess that’s a nice job on hoodwinking me at first and a big ol’ FUCK YOU for disappointing the living fuck out of me for the entirety of the rest of the song. There is really not much I can say in the ways of positives in regards to this. The guy can sing ok I guess, but I’ve always despised those kinds of voices which are supposed to be male but when you listen to them all you picture is a teenage transvestite wannabe still trying on his sisters lipstick and spending hours trying to master walking in heels with a g-string cutting your arsehole in half. I’ve been there, the trick is to lead with your heel buddy, take my advice and save yourself some time and bruised knees. Speaking of bruised knees, the hooks (hurr...

Song Review: Eclipse Of Empires – “Elitist”

Song review: Elitist Band: Eclipse of Empires Location: Texas, USA Date of Release: 7th April, 2014 Genre: Groove Metal Reviewer: Erised Every now and then I come across a track so laughably terrible that I have to perform emergency surgery to my lacerated sides from the sheer mirth the band’s feeble attempts conjure out of me. I’m not sure whether it was the ridiculous inhales, the blatantly programmed drums with absolutely 0 attempt to make them sound even remotely organic, or the pitiful cleans that were mercifully buried deeper in the mix than my shaft was in Thrillhouse’s mum last night. At least she had the decency to give me a courtesy blowjob when her cavernous vagina was unable to finish the job, unlike these fucksticks who left me with nothing more than a wet noodle and a perforated ear drum. Not because this is particularly loud, because it isn’t, more because I was compelled to stave my inner ear drum in with a cue-tip in the hopes that a) my lack of equilibrium would topple me off my seat, releasing my headphones and saving me or b) I would permanently destroy my hearing, thereby ensuring that I would never have to listen to this drivel again. The guitars are the only remotely bearable part of this song, and even they abuse more cliches than the Scary Movie franchise did throughout the entire series of films. Everything else in the song had me legitimately contemplating the logistics of how to ingest an entire bottle of cyanide pills and still leave enough time to cock and discharge my firearm into...