Worst of IPHYB

Song Review: ShadowBlood – “Thrones of Hate and Impurity”

Song Review: “Thrones of Hate and Impurity” Band: ShadowBlood Location: Port Macquarie, N.S.W. Genre: Improvised Black Metal Date of Release: July 21, 2014 Reviewer: Tucker’s Law “IS THIS THE REVIEW THAT BROKE TUCKER’S LAW??” (Of course it’s not. Fuck you. Silly subheading.) Hey, you guys. Listening to this band made me think a lot of things…  Dark, confronting thoughts I never imagined I’d have. I listen to this band and I hope all of those hardworking scientists laboring away thousands of man-hours on multi-billion-dollar experiments trying to validate decades-old theoretical physics formulas fail. I hope we never discover another subatomic particle, and never get to fully realize our understanding of the standard model of cosmology, because all the answers left absent from our grasp of comprehension lay somewhere outside of our known universe. And even though this would mean that everything we understood about reality was nothing more than a random chance accident, an unintended variable, an inconsequential anomaly where all the numbers just happened to land the right way up and our existence is ultimately meaningless… it gives me a quantum of solace that, despite what this nihilistic, existential, horrific truth would mean for our mortal souls, that there also exists an unfathomably infinite amount of multiple universes out there in which this band’s music does not exist. I’d be okay with that. *** On the subject of unknowable answers, I have so many questions about this submission, which I will list below in no particular order: What the fuck, guys? Was this recorded on someone’s phone? Did you just submit one song, or your whole EP? Because I...

Song Review: The Angel’s Vice – “Run Away”

Song review: Run Away Band: The Angel’s Vice Location: Manassas, VA, USA (lol man asses) Date of Release: 02/07/2014 Genre: Metalcore/Post-Hardcore/Cancer Reviewer: Thrillhouse Wow. Just… Wow. I don’t even know where to begin here… I could make the most obvious crack about how “Run Away” is so bad it makes me want to run away and jump in a fire every time I hit the ‘play’ button. OR, I could tell you about how I received a court order to NEVER play this song through speakers again, after my neighbour heard “Run Away” blaring through my side window and proceeded to murder his whole family with a shotgun, before turning it on himself. That’s not even a joke. Your song is responsible for taking four lives, and I’m now risking fifteen years in the big house and a $25,000 fine just for posting this review on a website that is accessible to the general public. Please ‘The Angel’s Vice’ members, for the love of dog; delete this song as soon as you read this review. Delete it before more lives are lost. So anyways; for this review, I’m going to be breaking from my normal format and just giving you guys a list of everything wrong with each aspect of this song (and this band), because I’m lazy as fuck and something this shit doesn’t deserve much effort from me. The Vocals: The structure is fucked and just about everything is sung completely out of time The screams sound like a porn star choking on sweaty asshole The cleans have no melody and just sound like monotone, off-key throat...

Violint Lizzhard – “Giddy Goanna”

Song Review:“Giddy Goanna” Band:Violint Lizzhard Location:Toowoomba, QLD Date Of Release:July 2014 Genre:Hardcore Reviewer:Grass-Man AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH HELL NO! Is this a set up? Erised? Thrillhouse? Seriously! I’ll assume that some moron has had a brain malfunction and has actually decided to send this in to be reviewed. DON’T FUCK WITH LIZZHARD CUNT! Righto cunts! This is worse than the moment where Michael Hutchence realised he didn’t have enough time to get the belt from his neck while he was vigorously rubbing one out and knew he’d be found dead covered in jizz and choked to death……choked to death while choking the ol’ chicken! Straya cunt!! Speaking of jizz! There was a moment where it sounded like old mate was actually recording his vocals while he was spitting out a mouthful of cum which was followed by the sounds of him choking on a cock that was clearly a bit big for the guy to handle. I have only one piece of advice and two pro tips to go with this review. Let’s start with my tips! Tip 1: Bass player should purchase a fucking tuner…..if one is already in possession of said tuner….USE THE CUNT! Tip 2: Drummer needs to pack his shit up and get the fuck out of this band. I feel sorry for this bloke being the sole mother fucker with the slightest bit of talent amidst a bunch of blokes that have recently had scars resurfaced remembering they were just Rolf Harris rejects. Count yourself fucking lucky you weren’t getting a wobble board smacked around your ass while ol mate Mr Harris was cupping every other...

Song Review: Kink Shit – “in which everyone”

Song review: “in which everyone” Band: Kink Shit Location: Hawaii, USA Date of Release: 14/06/2014 Genre: Harsh Noise Reviewer: Dyler Turden Kink Shit add distortion to a fax machine and call it “music” – a decision in which everyone suffers. When our forefathers started a small, satirical Facebook page aptly titled “I Probably Hate Your Band”, they foolishly wrote into our mission statement – constitution, if you will – that “we accept all genres of music”. Now, what those half-wits unknowingly did was open a Pandora’s Vagina so wide and gaping that the deluge of pus and other undesired fluids could never be stopped. Hence, this 5:01 puddle of sickening goop was allowed into our treasured institution, and being one of the newer wise asses in the building (yes, we have a building), it was my job to review whatever the merciless fuck this is. The beginning of this onslaught sounds like an un-tuned TV from the 70’s, amplified through a megaphone being held up against your ear drum. It’s frustrating, annoying, and 100% pointless – setting the tone for the entire 5 minutes after just 3 seconds. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be listening for, or what the fuck is happening, I’m scared and alone. Do people actually listen to this, or is it one of those things that hipster douchebags claim to like so they can be different and obscure? I would pretty much bet on green with toast using a 12 bag to make forest pants – because that’s about as much sense as this song makes. There are a couple of small stops...

Song Review: Entry Level – “Too Turnt”

Song review: Too Turnt Band: Entry Level Location: Hometown Sisters, OR Date of Release: 7th June 2014 Genre: Psychedelic Rock Reviewer: Erised Oh FUCK this and all! Jesus suffering fuck this is just atrocious. Seriously, who the fuck is sadistic enough to commit this fucking shit-pile to tape and then submit it to us? It’s fucking lucky that we have insurance here at IPHYB, because I will most certainly be loging a workers compensation claim as a direct result of having to sit through this train-wreck-meets-holocaust of a track. There’s pretty much no element that is in tune or in time in this. That’s actually somewhat of an achievement you know. Like…it takes talent to release something that is quite obviously shithouse and then actually still ask people to check it out. I’d be so utterly embarrassed, so totally disgusted in myself that this would never see the light of day. Listening to this song the entire way through is like watching the worst of “American Idol’s” audition phase, you know, where they show the real shitcunts who think they are still awesome? Yeah, that’s the one. Everything about this song is just offensive to anyone with any musical awareness at all. The entire song sits on a two chord vamp, it constantly speeds up and slows down, the melodies are out of tune in parts, as are the accompanying harmonies and the mix is awash with reverb to the point that you almost start having tension headaches by the end of it. Oh! And then the fucking ear-piercing synth bullshit comes in and causes you physical pain from...

Song Review: The Super Super – “Erin”

Song review: Erin Band: The Super Super Location: Newcastle, NSW Date of Release: 12 March 2014 Genre: Roots, Rock Reviewer: Tucker’s Law Ah, roots… Bloody roots. *deep breaths* Using “Oh woman, can’t you see… something, something… Next to me!” for lyrics is a musical hate-crime right up there with, “hands in the air/just don’t care.” Fuck this genre. Fuck this song. It’s called ‘Erin’, and from the lyrics above, I’m going to assume that this “Erin” person is the “woman” in question. If she is, I have some advice for the poor girl… Stay far, far away from the people who wrote this song. “Oh woman, you should be with me.” the chorus instructs, and I can’t help but ask myself WHY? What the fuck do you have to offer? Maybe it’s working on the age-old saying that guitar players get all the girls, except you can’t play worth of shit. This Erin girl sounds like a nice person, and she deserves a hell of a lot better than your insipid, charmless, hack of an advance. Seriously mate, I’ve stepped in puddles with more depth than your song writing. This song, much like what I imagine any relationship between you and this Erin would be like, underperforms and ends prematurely. This whole track sounds like the result of some kind of computer program tasked with recreating a blues rock/roots song. Only, like, one of those really shitty 90’s computers we laugh at in old magazines. It lays out all the segments in their expected order and tells us it resembles one of these kinds of songs, except completely missing...

Song Review: Ascending Fall – “Hurts To Know”

Song review: “Hurts To Know” Band: Ascending Fall Location: Perth, WA, Australia Date of Release: 13/06/2014 Genre: Pop-punk Reviewer: Dyler Turden It Hurts To Know that gravity is only a small part of what Ascending Fall don’t understand. This is going to suck. I love punk and pop-punk, so it pains me to have to review this pile of horrible melodies and mediocre song writing. Ascending Fall start the song with a Blink-182 riff, and continue into another Blink-182 riff. Using a Blink-182 chord progression, they continue to channel Blink-182 throughout their tribute to Blink-182. Badly. The vocals take the SoCal approach and piss all over it, leaving a wet and smelly mess of nasal abuse and missed notes. Why do Aussie bands always put on an American accent? It makes absolutely no sense. Your voice has the potential to set you apart from all the American and Australian pop-punk up and comers doing this same style – well not THIS voice, but A singers voice in general – it could be the deciding factor in gaining a listener, so why would you put more effort into changing the one thing that could differentiate you instead of putting effort into writing interesting melodies? The lyrics aren’t helping either. Obvious and forced rhymes, tired sex jokes with none of the charm their idols had: “…I can’t get you off my mind, when another guy’s doing you from behind”. Clap fucking clap. He’s probably doing her from behind because he can’t bear to look at the face of someone who’s heard this fucking band. The guitar tone is downright horrible. I...

Song Review: How To Kill A Mockingbird – “Tidings”

Song review: “Tidings” Band: How To Kill A Mocking Bird Location: Charles Town, West Virginia, USA. Date of Release: 28th November, 2014. Not a typo, apparently a future got. Genre: Metalcore Reviewer: Dyler Turden Someone needs to tell How To Kill A Mocking Bird how to write an interesting song. Ah, metalcore. Like its cousin “emo” and their great-grandfather “glam rock”, it just refuses to die it’s well overdue death. I’ll admit, there are some awesome metalcore bands, but for every one worth listening to there are roughly 492 others on which I would not urinate to extinguish flames of any size. Unfortunately for HTKAMB, it sounds like they are about to be “burned to the ground”. Hear that riff in the intro? Get used to it, because it (or a slight variation of it) literally runs for 90% of the song. It’s a good way to INTRODUCE a song, but after the 2 minute mark it just looks like it’s the only idea for a lead riff there was floating around the jam room. The vocals kick in with the rhythm guitar; neither bad, nor memorable. The second guitar is down tuned and SHOULD be beefing up the bottom end, but it’s simply lost behind the intro/lead/only other guitar part, like the office nice guy waiting patiently in line for cake behind the office fat fuck. I wanted to see it get its just desserts (hur hur), and bring in some of the more appealing elements of metalcore – namely the groove. But, as painfully expected, it just sat there behind that cake hogging, attention whore lead riff,...

Song Review: Ocean Of Illusions – “Death Of A Siren”

Song review: Death Of A Siren Band: Oceans Of Illusions Location: North Jersey, USA Date of Release: 28th January 2014 Genre: Deathcore Reviewer: Erised Oy Gevalt. This sounds horrible. Really, really fucking horrible. The “production” (if you can call it that) is so underdone that if it were a plate of steak and eggs, instead of enjoying a delicious meal you would be standing in a pile of cow and chicken faeces, covered in afterbirth and feathers whilst you try to explain to the authorities why you are naked and in the middle of Farmer Pete’s barn at 2 am on a Saturday morning. In an unrelated matter, I need someone to spot me a couple grand….it’s definitely not so that I can make bail. This will be remarkably short because there isn’t much in the way of positives. The drums are evidently programmed with less effort to make them sound organic than Thall puts into his blowjobs, even though he knows he needs the money and we have a contract in place that states he must seem enthusiastic at all times. A little eye contact wouldn’t go astray, and neither would decent drum samples in this song. The guitars are roughly as intuitive as a partially lobotomised rhesus monkey fresh from the testing lab after confirming the efficacy of the latest chemical castration methods. To quote the immortal “Gas-Station Attendant” in that episode of the Simpsons: “You’re a dull boy, Jimmy”. There is literally 0 trace of bass in this song, which sadly isn’t anything out of the ordinary. If only the vocals would do us all a...