Worst of IPHYB

Song Review: WitsEnd Half Done – “Top Button Flannel”

Song: Top Button Flannel Band/Artist: Witsend Half Done Location: No idea, can’t find a link to a band profile anywhere, great job! Date of Release: April 16th 2014 Genre: Australian pop-punk Reviewer: Mean Mr Mustard Man 5 seconds in to this pile of shit and I already know its going to be one of the worst things I have ever listened to. God damn it why did I agree to write reviews for IPHYB again? I was living such a happy life, now I have to subject myself to this song at least a few more times… anyway where to start, yes I do realise once upon a time blink 182 would do little skits on their albums, comprising mostly of the sound of dicks being sucked and yes at a time in my life I thought “omggggg tom, mark and travis are the best band ever and so funny lolzzz” but that was then (blink have been around 22 years now) and this is now and now its not funny to start off a pop punk song with the sound of blow job, its not original and it just plain sucks (pun intended). Musically this is horrible, production wise this is horrible. The only thing they get points for is the satire. I’m all for taking the piss out of people, but if this band were somewhat decent I wouldn’t have to take the piss out of the band so much and I could join them in hating on dole bludgers. Who would have thought a day would come where the best aspect of a pop punk song...

Song Review: Despondent – “The Noble And Most Ancient House Of Black”

Song: The Noble and Most Ancient House Of Black Band/Artist: Despondent Location: Ohio, USA Date of Release: 23rd September, 2014 Genre: Instrumental Technical Metal Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: Rings Of Saturn, Brain Drill, Origin. Fuck I hate bands that have an elevated sense of what they are capable of. I also really hate bands that are ludicrously technical for no real reason at all. I also really hate bands that use references from my favourite things and then sully it with interminable dross. So, pretty much fuck you on all counts here. I have a really, REALLY strong suspicion that there is nothing at all actually real in this song. Nothing sounds like it actually should. The guitars sound exactly like a GP6 file, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that’s exactly what it is. I could be wrong, but if that’s the case then I urge you to work on the guitar tones. Pretty sure I’m right though. I’m ALWAYS right. I write for IPHYB, after all. In the absence of any technical aspects to review, I’m left with only the composition to review. Unfortunately for you, this is where the main problems occur. Overblown chromatic scale bullshit with no semblance of structure whatsoever does not make for pleasant or even worthwhile listening. There is absolutely nothing that suggests this song is anything other than an exercise in vaguely musical gymnastics. I have no doubt whatsoever that the composer pretty much sat there clicking random adjacent frets in GP and then went “eh! Good enough”. No. Not fucking good enough....

Song Review: Signs Of Escape – “Watery Grave”

Song review: Watery Graves Band: Signs Of Escape Location: Sydney Date of Release: May 20 2014 Genre: ‘Metal’ Reviewer: Johnny PWD Truant Ugh. That’s all I have thought for the past three and three quarter minutes. Ugh. Derivative. Unoriginal. Parkway Drive. Let’s start with vocals. You can’t do half of what you’re doing so fucking stop. High screams that sound like you just want, more than anything else to be Winston Mccall. Go away we already have one of those. Inhales? Nah man we don’t do those anymore. Lows are kind of okay but you just ruin it with the pile of junk surrounding it. Guitars are parkway drive. Tone is Parkway drive. Bass is Parkway Drive. Drums are Parkway Drive. I really don’t get the whole ‘Let’s just sound like Parkway Drive and hope no one notices’ thing. It’s kind of the same with Northlane soundalikes etc. Go tweak the sound so it’s not a direct rip off. I keep saying this but no one is obviously listening. Why can’t originality be a good thing? Production is okay, just a generic Parkway Drive mix. Songwriting isn’t apparent. NEXT Vocals: 2/10 Guitars: 2/10 Bass: 2/10 Drums: 2/10 Production: 6/10 Lyrics: 2/10 Songwriting: 2/10 Overall IPHYB Rating: 2.5/10 Personal Enjoyment Factor: Not...

Song Review: ITouchedTheSunset – “Slendermen/Pilot”

Song: Slendermen/Pilot Band/Artist: ITouchedTheSunset (motion to rename them “ITouchedYourSon’sCock”) Location: Brisbane, Queensland Date of Release: I wish never, but 29th September, 2014 Genre: Post-Ebola/AIDScore Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: AIDS, Rectal Thermometry, Institutionalised Paedophilia And just when I thought it was safe to open my facebook newsfeed! I happened to be innocently (well, not THAT innocently, it is me after all) scrolling when I happened upon one of my least favourite, and IPHYB’s most derided (internally up to this point, anyway) “bands”. I happened to check our submissions inbox about 15 minutes later, and lo and behold there was an email from “Shitcunt McHomosville” (name has been altered slightly to protect the identity of the guilty party, as I’m sure his “bandmates” will be less than thrilled). Here we have a group of “musicians” who have inherited an existing “band’s” page so as to jump the cue and get out of doing the hard yards that everyone else who isn’t a malicious, talentless little cunt has had to. What am I talking about? Oh you’ll see…by Satan, you’ll see. The story all starts with a group of young scenesters from Warwick, Queensland. I’ll skip the boring details, but all you need to know is that the “band” went through more members than I’ve had fucks (so 6 ½. Don’t ask about the half) and spent more time doing their hair than actually releasing music…or playing shows…or doing ANYTHING that a band actually does. Fast forward 2 years (yes, that’s “two” not a typo) and they STILL haven’t shown any signs of doing anything except...

Album Review: Begin At Zero – “Breathing Ash”

Album Review: Breathing Ash Band: Begin At Zero Location: Missouri MO, USA Date Of Release: Was a day that should be remembered as a crime against both music and humanity everywhere Genre: Tears Of College Clowns Reviewer: Ouroboris I’ve actually done reviews for a uni paper years ago and did some time self publishing a zine. So before IPHYB, I’d already had some minor experience reviewing music. The reason I mention this is despite reviewing clownmetal joke bands like Slipknot and Mushroomhead in the past, I am pretty amazed by how much of a piece of shit that this album here really is. It’s literally used a paintbrush tipped in baby-got-into-the-yoghurt-green to tick every box of shitness from cover to instruments to production. There’s nothing even somewhat listenable here or even visually interesting to distract you from the amateurish teen emo metal vomit that this really is. There’s a scene in the 1988 Chevy Chase classic “Funny Farm” in which he asks his wife to read the manuscript of his new true crime thriller, his first attempt at the genre. After he watches her read it with a celebratory glass of champagne at the ready, she finishes and he asks “well, what do you think?” and she looks at him for a few seconds. Her face turns up and she bursts into tears and runs out of the room. If I actually knew this band and they showed me this Galactus sized audio abortion embarassment and expected a compliment, I may actually do the same. A better name for the band would be “Stuck On Zero”. It says in...

Song Review: Backstab Burial – “Masquerade”

Song review: Masquerade Band: Backstab Burial (possibly one of the lamest band names I’ve ever heard. Should have called it “Suffocate Me Dry”, at least we could all have a lul at the Hollywood Undead reference. Plebs) Location: Huddersfield, UK Date of Release: 18th February, 2014 Genre: Metalcore Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) Oh. My. Huh-God. Are you fucking shitting me? Okay, so what we have here is an absolutely pitiful attempt at carbon copying Bullet For My Valentine circa-The Poison (which I guess is better than copying Temper Temper era…or Fever era for that matter). There’s just one (actually several) problem. This style has been absolutely done to death by many, many bands a hell of a lot more talented than these shit bastards. Get ready to suffer some extreme second-hand embarrassment as you watch the exceedingly cringe-worthy film clip too, the highlight of which would easily be old mate rocking out by himself with a mic stand…not sure why, but he sure seems to be enjoying his own company. I was going to make a masturbation joke here, but this band is so uninspiring that I actually couldn’t think of a decent segue, so I apologise for that, and I apologise on behalf of IPHYB to anyone who actually subjects themselves to this shitefest. Let’s see exactly what’s so ridiculous about this whole endeavour, shall we? Well, for starters, the intro sounds almost exactly like an amalgam of about 4 Trivium riffs, except totally devoid of the quality that Trivium delivers. The guitars throughout the entirety of the song are about as interesting as a...

Song Review: Amodeus – “My Money’s on Waxford

Song review: My Money’s On Waxford Band: Amodeus Location: Wollongong, New South Wales Date of Release: 10th August, 2014 Genre: Post-Hardcore Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) Oh good! I’ve been waiting for more piss-weak Post-Hardcore drivel to come through submissions. This is going to be short, because my time is valuable (it’s not really) and I have much better things to be doing than listening to this shit (I don’t). Let’s get straight into it. The main reason I hate this song is because of the vocals. Oh my god do I ever hate these fucking vocals, and it’s both of them! Firstly, the cleans sound like that whingey cunt that you used to pick on in school for being a try hard douche, right before you fucked his sister, sent him pictures and never called her again. The best part is that the vocals are written pretty much exactly from the aforementioned perspective. The same old bullshit “I’m gonna be awesome, you can’t bring me down” rhetoric that has been parroted by a million shitcunt posi-as-fuck cocktards for years and years. It sounded retarded and lame then, and now it’s even worse because it’s retard, lame AND derivative. The lyrics are also delivered with about as much menace as a paralysed midget with a harelip. The screams are marginally better than the cleans, but not good enough to make me give a shit. The song itself is generic as fuck, lots of fully siq breakdownz (one of which has an attempted guttural over it, which due to old mates average technique just sounds like a sloppy...

Song Review: Home Video of Oprah Winfrey Crying Into a Lean Cuisine – ‘SCOOBYDOO’

Song review: SCOOBYDOO Band: HOME VIDEO OF OPRAH WINFREY CRYING INTO A LEAN CUISINE Location: Ontario, Canada Date of Release: 2nd August 2014 Genre: Shitgrind Reviewer: Thall Grindcore, Scooby-Doo, Oprah Winfrey, Capital Letters, Whitney Houston, Samples, Gutturals, LOUD NOISES. It looks amazing on paper. It sounds even better in your ears. These guys crafted their Facebook page like two days ago. I am the fourth person to like the page. When first upon gazing in this in the pile, it was fresh in the group. I just had to share this to you all. This is groundbreaking material. From all the generic metalcore, from all the shit that bands from Perth give us, from all the bands that suck up to us in the submissions folder and then cry when we give them a shit rating. There are bands like these that we crave for… and that band is HOME VIDEO OF OPRAH WINFREY CRYING INTO A LEAN CUISINE. This is perfection From the drums, from the clean vocals to the beautiful lyrics – this is groundbreaking material. I don’t think I could ever understand what music was before this came into my life. The music after the sample starts off with a count-in from the hi-hat. Like who would’ve even thought doing that? Then the snare does some little fill thing before the vocals come in. Now that’s what I call a fucking build up. Holy shit. The vocals come in, they are so powerful you can’t even hear the other instruments. This guy can really store quite a scream. I love the part where he says ‘Scooby’....