Worst of IPHYB

Song Review: Cloak and Dagger – “Catharsis”

Song: Catharsis Band/Artist: Cloak and Dagger Location: Fucking Perth of course. I could practically hear the “suck” Date of Release: The Winter of My Discontent Genre: Shitcore Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: Recycled Riffs, Poor Production, Regret Why they aren’t famous: They are targeting the wrong market. This would actually work as a really effective replacement for water-boarding, perhaps they just need to market themselves more appropriately. Do you cunts not have ears? Is that it? Fuck me swinging, how can you not hear the deafening “suck” coming out of the speakers? Did you just listen to a bunch of 00’s Metalcore, think to yourself “Oh, that riff sounds cool, I think I’ll take that!” and just gaffer tape a bunch of them together into this incoherent cluster fuck? I must admit, I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, but I do have a working set of ears, which already puts me one-up on these fart-stoppers. Actually, fuck this. I’m just going to pose a bunch of open-ended questions, because that’s essentially what this track is anyway. Ready? No? I don’t care. Firstly, the key to writing a song is to actually have a purpose in mind. Did you have any idea where you were taking this song? No? Did you listen to this and say “wow, there’s a whole bunch of totally pointless build ups to nothing and awkward as fuck transitions that make no sense in this”? No? What about the horrid clean melody? What about the pitchy as fuck vocals? How many takes did you do? 1? If...

Song Review: The Moment We Fall – “Conviction”

Song: “Conviction” Band/Artist: The Moment We Fall Location: Of course it’s Perth Date of Release: Oct 2014 Genre: Northlanecore Reviewer: Penfold For Fans Of: People who upload more than 5 Instagram photos a day Why They Aren’t Famous: They use the word “strong” in lyrics more than Campbell Newman. I’m meant to be reviewing a song by Perth post-hardcore band “The Moment We Fall” called “Conviction”, but instead I’m going to review this bottle of Rothbury Estate Shiraz Cabernet I stole from my work Christmas party and am currently drinking. So, as we all know, the Cabernet and Shiraz grapes produce a very dry red, just like how Perth produces very dry music. This particular vineyard in located in the temperate regions of Victoria, a cold and boring place where local disaffected youth probably hang around in their garages, start bad bands and try and emulate Dream On Dreamer. It’s heavy on the tannins, so you need to let it breathe for at least 10 minutes before you tuck into it, kinda like how cut-copy cookie-mold hardcore bands need at least 10 plays before your brain numbs into a comatose state willing to accept the fingering it’s about to receive. Once you let the wine breathe, you really can taste the horrible cheapness of this red, kinda like how a band would take the cheap way out when creating music – instead of working towards something unique and original, it simply copies what ever the flavour of last month was. When poured, the colour is quite rich and deep. The label is very clean and presentable, it would seem...

Song Review: Mantra – “Exodus”

Song: Exodus Band/Artist: Mantra Location: Malta Twitter: @DanGanado94 Date of Release: December, 2014 Genre: “Progressive” Blues Rock Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: Your mate Hendo’s shitty garage band Why they aren’t famous: Flagrant misrepresentation of the “Progressive” genre tag That’s it. I’ve had e-fucking-nough. I’m taking my motherfucking bat and ball and getting the gutterfuck out of here because I have HAD it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane. Oh wait…This isn’t Snakes on a Plane and I’m not Samuel M. F. Jackson either. What that should have said was “I have HAD it with these docile cunts throwing the Progressive tag onto their music just because they have 6 chords instead of 4 and a shit solo tacked onto the end of their song like a pony buttplug jammed in the arsehole of one of those fucking weirdo furry cunts on tumblr. You all disgust me. The band, not the weirdo furry cunts, because that’s actually kinda bangin’. But I digress… Seriously though, I’m sick to fucking death of every cunt and his pet fucking rat deciding that their music is Progressive when there is absolutely zero justification for it. You aren’t fucking prog if you have the same bullshit chord progressions as every other sad fuck with a home studio and 6 months of playing guitar under their belt. You aren’t prog if you have a horrendously cliché tapped solo with a couple of even equally cliché minor pentatonic licks thrown in for good measure afterwards, as if the shit sandwich served up for dinner wasn’t enough so you decided...

Song Review: Before Borders – “Disenchanted”

Song: Disenchanted Band/Artist: Before Borders Twitter: @BeforeBorders Location: Lowell, MA Date of Release: Genre: Alt-Rock Reviewer: Jimi Dim Simious For Fans Of: The incessant caterwauling of young boys with side fringes and emotions. Why They Aren’t Famous: For copying shit cunt music that went out of style almost a decade ago. Holy fuck I thought I might actually have found something somewhat halfway decent to listen to for this review but the IPHYB gods have handed down their decree in their usual fashion by stating thus: “We review shit music. This is what we do. Harden the fuck up or fuck off over to Fool Reviews“ So I listened. The introduction is the only part of the song that warrants any interest (however small) I feel deep within the inner region of my anus. I was kind of but not really surprised when the song kicks in and my delicate ear canals which experience bands like Tool and Porcupine Tree were brutally and unceremoniously molested by the absolute garbage spewing from the speakers. I really tried my best to find something good to say about this song and the only thing I could come up with was this: “At least I can turn this shit off.” I have the ability to do that. Turn off music that borders on whatever the fuck screamo was and then infuses some kind of HIM influence. Yeah, there was a period when I was a fuckwit and thought HIM were cool, but that was over ten years ago and a swift ass kicking by my mates set me on the right path. You...

Song Review: Midicinal Noise – “Through The Square Window”

Song: Through The Square Window Band/Artist: Midicinal Noise Location: Buttfuck Northern NSW where that incest family was found Date of Release: Time is like, irrelevant, man. Genre: Psytrance Reviewer: Penfold For Fans Of: LSD Why They Aren’t Famous: It’s fucking Psytrance Psytrance: the Infowars™ Water Filter of electronic dance music. Something about this genre really brings out the anti-vaxxers. The kind of people who read something on worldtruthnews.com about how MDMA calcifies your Pinael gland and if you REALLY want to achieve enlightenment you’re way better off sucking on sheets of cardboard soaked in battery acid. The same sort of fuckwit that constantly rambles on that alcohol is the devil – and not a delicious friend in an easy-to-carry box ’n’ cask configuration – but still drinks those 10 packs of Woodstock tinnies every night of the week. The kind of person that decries all forms of violence until his 4 month-old puppy shits on his floor, because that calls for a swift kick across the room for little Fido. The sort of person who stocks up on those shitty little jars of “Leggos Pasta Sauce” because they are 55c each at IGA, and any shortcut in life is a bargain that can’t be missed. We’re talking about the sort of person who owns a Guy Fawkes mask and incessantly comments bullshit about video games or Dr. Who or some other fucking pointless way to waste your life which isn’t drinking cooking wine on the roof of your house, on the Facebook statuses of the stereotypical hot-gamer-girl you kinda wanted to bang in 2009 but now you feel like...

Song Review: APATE – ‘Purgatory’

Song: Purgatory Band/Artist: APATE Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia Date of Release: 1st January 2015 Genre: Beatdown/Deathcore Reviewer: Thall For Fans Of: … Why They Aren’t Famous: A guilty case of trend-riding and lack of originality. As Pablo Picasso once said ‘A good artist creates, a great artist copies’. APATE have taken this quote to a whole new level. Instead of stringing a multitude of influences together to create their own unique compositional style, they decided to just stick to one. So I am going to play a game with this review. It’s called ‘Lets see how long I last until I mention Sworn In’. Before I get into the depth of things I just want to say that I liked the breakdown at around the minute mark. The production made it listenable. The vocalist has a nice tone when he isn’t trying too hard to be a sadistic bitch. That’s it. Okay good stuff over… WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK HOW CAN THIS BE LEGAL? This is an absolute disgrace to music, not only in Australia, but every demographic above and below in this entire universe. This is an absolute embarrassment with the amount of trendy dick riding that is being heard. From the instrumental, the vocals, the lyrics and the songwriting… This is just inferior in every single way, shape and form. There are kids in a favela in Brazil playing with a $100 guitar and recording their music on a phone trying their fucking guts out to get a viral video on youtube and you fucks invest in quality production and a music video for this abomination? I...

Song Review: Blackwinter – “Into Battle We Ride”

Song: Into Battle We Ride Band/Artist: Blackwinter Location: Clearfield, Utah Date of Release: n/a Genre: Guitarcentercore Reviewer: Lietusgaze For Fans Of: Tinnitus, Regret Why They Aren’t Famous: You can’t sign a record contract with Cheeto dust on your fingers Have you ever walked into a music store for any reason and heard the buzz of three to four scooped Line 6 Spider or Peavey Vypyrs all playing recycled riffs with complete disregard for time? You really have to hand it to Scythe Culto, because he has captured this sound with such poise and grace it truly rivals audio terrorists of time past such as Puppy Dog in a Meat Grinder and 55gore. One man bands are no easy feat however, and you should respect the amount of time and effort this man has put into being shit at not one, but three instruments. When people joke about music being recorded with a potato, it’s kind of funny. There is a huge deal about keeping Black Metal and its subgenres true to its roots, usually with an emphasis on a less orthodox approach to recording, and is obviously an easy target for modern metalheads or anybody who listens to modern music. Production quality has skyrocketed as of late, and home recording enthusiasts are showing up faster than drug dealers at your local train station. There isn’t an excuse to have a poorly recorded song unless you’re intentionally trying to achieve this Black Metal aesthetic. Plenty of new bands like ██████ from the Czech Republic have done this to near-perfection, while still keeping the music fresh and engaging. This is the...

Song Review: Nova’s Demise – “Exile”

Song: Exile Band/Artist: Nova’s Demise Location: Perth, Western Australia Date of Release: 1 September 2014 Genre: Crap Rock Reviewer: Dead Set Dave For Fans Of: Garbage sort of Fuck you, Evanescence is NOT a genre. Also, the song is entitled Exile, yet the complaint is about someone leaving you, the protagonist, alone. If someone is exiled they were forced to leave, they had no choice in the matter, and that can only be the person who left. Not the person who was abandoned. So either you’re complaining about someone leaving when they had zero choice in the matter or you’re making out like your forced abandonment is some kind of exile, regardless of the fact that you haven’t really had to do anything. It’s like saying that you feel like a refugee, because nothing says ‘dangerous trip across an ocean to escape genocide’ like sitting at home writing terrible love songs. Okay, the music. I hate the keys or whatever the fuck is going on there. That ‘werp’ sound in the chorus is pointless and annoying, I’m assuming it’s on the keys but if the guitarist is responsible for it then fuck him. Fuck him 3 times. There’s not a lot going on guitar wise, it’s just a few power chords and what not. There’s some bass, it even does stuff like a bass should. That’s cool. Unfortunately it’s following some god awful drums. It’s not like they’re bad sounding, it’s just that they aren’t doing anything. It’s like the drummer is asleep the entire song. Which is fine, the dude’s a session drummer, he’s not invested in the...

Song Review: AlanRise – “No Way Out”

Song: No Way Out Band/Artist: AlanRise Location: Laval (I think it’s either in Canada or France. No fucking clue) Date of Release: 1st May, 2014 Genre: Merd, Shitcore Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: Explosive Dysentery, Colonic Irrigation, The Buttdrains I instantly regret choosing to review this straight after dinner. I have literally just finished eating some fish and chips only to have my dinner simultaneously try to exit my digestive tract from every orifice possible, and a few avenues that aren’t biologically used for excrement but felt like they needed to join in the fun anyway. Thanks belly-button, you’re a real jerk. To be honest, this would be hilarious if the people performing it weren’t actually serious, so it actually just ends up being a little funny and a lot sad. Like, crying clown in a tiny little car driving through an empty town with no children sad. Actually, that’s probably a little too funny. Meh, don’t bust my chops, what do you think I am, some form of writer? The main reason this sucks so very badly is because of the vocals. They are just….just awful. I thought ItouchedYourSon’sCock had terrible clean vocals (they do) but these come really damn close to being worse. At best, they are on par, which is to say they are as appealing as a used tampon in your morning cup of tea (providing you aren’t a vampire, of course). They have as much character as a shit-sandwich. Do not recommend. The rest of the instrumentation is as boring as a really bad simile (lol geddit?). The guitars...