Worst of IPHYB

Song Review: Operation Neptune Spear – ‘Disintegrate’

Artist: Operation Neptune Spear Song: Disintegrate Genre: Rock Date of Release: March, 2016 Reviewer: Chris Giacca For Fans Of: Obituary, Death, Eulogy, Will Reading, Open Casket Funeral To Whom It May Concern, The following is the last will of me, Christopher Vivian Evelynn Giacca III, as it reads on this, the 18th of April, 2016. I hereby state that this will is legally binding, as witnessed by a Justice of the Peace, and is to be read to the executor of my estate on the event of my death. To my children, Mort, Mort Jr., and Mort Female, I leave my entire inheritance of one (1) pittance, to be split thrice, equally, and paid in yearly installments of 1/20th of a third of a pittance over twenty (20) years. To my dog, Puss, I leave one hiding. To my cat, Rex, I leave one severed rat’s tail, to be harvested freshly from the head of a bogan child named Mathew (one ‘t’, not two) not more than a week after my passing. To my estranged ex-wife, I leave three (3) cyanide pills. One (1) is to be ingested orally, one (1) as a pessary, and the final pill is to be taken as a suppository. She knows why. To my beloved hand-maiden, Liam Ellery Botango Robnik, I leave my entire vault of pepes, to be accessed with the code ‘420N05c0p3B14z317’. Sale of said pepes is permissible, with the exception of the ‘ununseptium pepe’, the ‘pepes fucking SUCK dude pepe’, and the rarest of all, the ‘not actually a virgin pepe’. These are to be guarded with the utmost care,...

Song Review: No Gravity – “Beneath the Dirt”

Band: No Gravity Song: Beneath the Dirt Genre: Alternative rock, electronic rock, synthpop Date of Release: March 2nd, 2014 Location: Bratislava, Slovakia Reviewer: Sam For Fans Of: The Killers, The Bravery “Why?” You might be asking. “Why review a song from 2014? Why review a band from Slovakia? Why review a genre you barely listen to?” Well, my reasoning is rather simple and shared with many other great men and women throughout human history: curiosity. As you probably don’t know, I’m a fairly devoted fan of the Howard Stern Show. Back in 2007, No Gravity was in New York City promoting themselves on a public access TV show called “Hugs For Harlem”. During this fateful appearance, they were subject to one of the funniest prank calls ever perpetuated (done in part by legendary death metal drummer and Stern staffer Richard Christy). Naturally, this got me curious. Obviously, a band who promotes itself on a second-rate public access show probably won’t be very good, but just how bad could they really be? I did some research, found the “music band”, as they call themselves (their English isn’t great), and popped on their latest single. I immediately asked myself the same question I started this review with: why? Why would someone make music like this? Why would said music sound like this? Why the hell am I still listening to it? It’s pretty clear that No Gravity is going for a 2005 synthpop Bravery-type vibe, but (perhaps thanks to their Slavic roots) it comes across as a cheap Eastern European competitor product which tries so hard to be like its Western...

Song: Occulus – “Salvation”

Song: Salvation Band: Occulus (they don’t have a custom URL. FUUUCK YOUUU) Location: Plymouth, Devon, UK Date of Release: 22nd November, 2014 Genre: Deathcore Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: Paper Cuts, Toenail Removal, Ball Rash Why they aren’t famous: Because they are fucking awful. Really, REALLY, fucking awful Holy shit. I was only thinking the other day that the last ten reviews I’ve done have all been relatively decent. It’s been kind of disappointing actually, but then along comes this bucket of bat piss to thoroughly offend my ears, and yet paradoxically brighten my day at the same time. In truth I was beginning to worry that most of the ball-garglingly terrible bands had started to avoid us, which seems to be true to an extent, but at least these flogs were kind (and stupid) enough to submit anyway. Now in the past, I’ve taken some fairly extreme measures to describe the truly godawful bands which I’ve reviewed. I’ve likened them to infectious diseases, totally demolished any vague illusion of musical competence they may’ve thought they had, and hell, I’ve even completely ignored songs because they’ve been so bad. This time, however, I’m going to try something a little bit different. Actually, fuck that. These bell-ends clearly haven’t put much effort into this, so they’ll get a correspondingly low amount from me. When I was in high school, I had this one girlfriend who seemed to think that blow-jobs were some form of competition. She would apply so much suction that I am absolutely certain she thought that the main aim was to emulate...

Song: Screaming At Shadows – “Forever Family”

Song: Forever Family Band: Screaming At Shadows Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada, North America, Planet Earth (third rock from the Sun, densest planet in the Solar System, largest of the Solar System’s four terrestrial planets – and the only astronomical object known to accommodate life. SO FAR.) Date of Release: 15/03/2015 Genre: Melodic Metalc–HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Reviewer: Welmanshire For Fans Of: Suffering, Masterchef, Normies, British Radio, Stale and/or soggy Ginger Nut biscuits, death, severing the tip of your finger in a bicycle chain, your mother abandoning you as a child, and Better Homes & Gardens back when John Jarratt didn’t threaten to murder people in real life and on film. Why They Aren’t Famous: Melodic Metalc–HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Metalcore – or as they describe themselves on their Facebook page – Melodic Deathcore (God fucking help me if that ever becomes a thing) band Screaming At Shadows, literally described themselves as ‘Melodic Metalcore’ when they submitted this utter kooky, critical playground of a song to the IPHYB inbox. I thought that to describe Screaming At Shadows, I would employ this grammatically obtuse method of characterization in an effort to connect with their four fans (namely, their mums). “Screaming At Shadows are about as exciting as wet water!” “Oh, man! Those breakdowns … they got me all burned up. Painfully! Like hot fire!” “Who needs female women when you have Melodic Metalcore?!” ‘Melodic Metalcore’. What a revolution! Move over, August Burns Red. There’s a group of blokes from Canada that are about to change the face of metalcore forever. Tired of all that boring, brutal metalcore, completely devoid of melody? Same! Fuck you, Architects. I can’t...

Song: Cabin Boy Jumped Ship – “Waste Away”

Song: Waste Away Band: Cabin Boy Jumped Ship Location: Leicestershire, UK Date of Release: 25th May 2015 Genre: Electronic/Metalcore Reviewer: Eurak Hunt (Tweet me @EurakHunt) For Fans Of: Independent clothing brands Why They Aren’t Famous: They are about 12 years late to a party they were never invited to. Cabin Boy Jumped Ship, stylised as “CBJS”, and hereon in, shall be referred to as “Constipated Blow Job Syndrome”. This talentless ensemble of merch-core thunderfucks hail from Leicester, United Kingdom. “Can Baby Jesus Swim?” have been around for about 18 months, and in that short time, have amassed in excess of 12,000 Facebook likes and 14,000 Twitter followers – alas, buying likes isn’t the only talent of “Chris Brown’s Jock Strap”, this band have more lines of merch available than songs on iTunes. Need I really go into why this annoys me so much? Briefly, trawling through their Facebook shows posts of sincerity, stating their love for the music. It would be foolish of me to suggest this band are in it solely for financial gain, but when your T-Shirts outnumber your songs 2:1, it smells a lot like vanity to me. When “Castle Bromwich Junior School” aren’t playing terrible music, they can be found in a garage, four miles east of Melton Mowbray, attempting to create a time machine that will take them back to 2003. Other pastimes include; not cutting their hair, refusing to learn their instruments and ripping off other band’s band names. In fact, the entire concept of “Clothing Brand Just Screamed?!” appears to me, as if it is a loosely based parody of their own...

Song: Windwaker – “The Better Way”

Song: “The Better Way” Band/Artist: Windwaker Location: Wagga Wagga, NSW Date of Release: 30/01/2015 Genre: Maroon 5-Core Reviewer: Dead Set Dave For Fans Of: Miley Cyrus, BMTH and anal bleaching Why They Aren’t Famous: Because the amount of shits people have to give about Zelda are limited, at best. Wagga Wagga, I didn’t think they had music there. I thought it was just a place for the Army to turn lumps of meat into men – men with guns, that is. The point is, I didn’t think there were any decent bands coming out of the place, and I still feel that way. The song starts with a quality intro. The sampling and ambience are kind of cool, it’s dark and evil, even if the video looks like a year 7 student’s art project. One that he failed. Miserably. But I’m not here to talk about the video. Anyway after the intro we drop straight into some half-assed generic-as-fuck post-hardcore nonsense. Yeah, there’s some tapping on a 15 string guitar and the bass player does stuff, whatever. Listen to any post-hardcore band and you’ll know exactly what this sounds like. The thing which takes this from being generally boring, to absolutely horrific is the vocalist. I mean it’s fucking Adam Levine all over again. I can say with absolute honesty that as soon as I heard the first note of his voice I chopped off both my ears and sacrificed a small cow to Satan to rid myself of the memory (Note: May not have happened). I have to listen to these songs between 30 and 50 times to...

Song: Model & Maker – “Missing”

Song: “Missing” Band: Model & Maker Location: Adelaide South Australia Date of Release: 12/02/15 Genre: Awfulternative Why Aren’t They Famous?: Because they’re trying to sell themselves to the wrong market. If they were smart they’d send this snoredie pop to an easy listening station. Reviewer: Ouroboris There used to be a joke back in the ancient pre-internet 90s when the word “Alternative” was used to describe everything from beanies to car insurance. It was when someone asked “What exactly is this alternative to?” and the answer was “something good”. “Alternative to good” was a common adjective for bitter punks and people with taste higher in the food chain than No Doubt and Millencollin. Model & Maker’s insipid FM radio pandering, Mother’s Day special release CD compilation worthy anthem “Missing” is quite easily the very worst submission ever handed in to us here at I Probably Hate Your Band. Although there are a few of us here with a variety of tastes (like metal to death metal to post-metal to prog metal to metalcore to even classic metal). There’s also a few of us who like non-metal related music and even some that use the dreaded “e” word (electronic). So there is a good wide spread of musical tastes, experiences and genres followed to equip us with the many different flavours we may be found. This however is the sort of CD you find at Cash Converters because there was 20 of them still in the box they were manufactured in and they were all 20c each. I don’t know if the “alternative” joke I mentioned earlier has gotten that insufferable...

Song Review: xWeedxwhackerx – “Say No To Drugs (Chicken Club)”

Song: Say No To Drugs (Chicken Club) Band/Artist: xWEEDxWHACKERx Location: Bendigo Victoria Australia Date of Release: It was, yes. Don’t blame me for that. Genre: Comedeathcore or Nagrock. Reviewer: Ouroboris For Fans Of: Dad Jokes disguised as metal or serious whinging. Why They Aren’t Famous: Because they’re about as funny as Apartheid or if serious as about as challenging as a tea towel fight. A straight edge metal band? Why yes I’ll try that out. (flexes typing knuckles) To start with xWeedXWhackerX is either a joke band side project for Bendigo’s “Harrison Rule” or it really is some sort of metalcore band that is pushing an anti drug agenda. Which is probably going to be about as successful as the American EDM scene’s anti-drug house movement. The fact that his/their soundcloud is cleverly disguised enough that you can’t tell whether or not they’re a joke or serious is worth a few points right there. It’s either the one guy – a disturbing cross between every photo of a teenage girl on facebook and that mutant toddler Reece thing from Australian Idol or it’s an actual band. The soundcloud says “I do things” which is why I am suspicious about it being a one man project rather than a band. Doing some other deep investigation to solve this mystery. I looked at the facebook page for them and with band members with names like Ketamine Stevenson and Jon Bukake (sic). They may actually fancy themselves in the same league of comedy as Melbourne grind legends “Blood Duster”. Sadly this is not the case. Ok then the song. Let’s delay the...
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