Best of IPHYB

Album: Take Us To Vegas – “Alive”

Album: Alive Band/Artist: Take Us To Vegas Location: Brisbane/Sunshine Coast Twitter: @TakeUsToVegas Spotify: HERE Date of Release: 6th March, 2015 Genre: Post-Hardcore/Metalcore Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: A Day To Remember, The Amity Affliction, Risecore Why they aren’t famous: Well, they are certainly getting there… You know, the biggest gripe I have with a lot of bands these days, and the main thing holding them back from relative success as a side-note, is their seeming inability to grasp the concept of branding and its relationship with their band and, ultimately, how it’s perceived by the consumer base at large. One band which absolutely kills it in this department, however, is Brisbane/Sunshine Coast’s Take Us To Vegas. This album was actually crowd-funded, which is a testament to their ability to effectively market their product to a fanbase. If you ever want a great example of how to conduct yourself online and maintain an engaging, and entertaining social media presence, you could definitely do a lot worse than look to TUTV for a blueprint. That being said, does this exemplary marketing acumen translate to quality from a musical perspective? Read on. Pressing play on Alive’s first track, “We Are The Tyrants”, we are presented with an audio sample about the American bombing of Hiroshima. The song itself seems to deal with the inherent moral dilemma of the “War for peace” approach, which I’ll admit is an extremely confusing thematic start to an album that for the most part deals with relationships and the like, but I suppose it’s probably their attempt at not putting all of their...

Song: Stuck Below – “Soulless”

Song: Soulless Band: Stuck Below Location: Melbourne VIC Australia Date of Release: December 14th 2014 Genre: Doomy Hardcore Reviewer: Ouroboris For Fans Of: Being rolled at a bus stop for the last $5 in your wallet. Why They Aren’t Famous: Because you’ve been waiting for me to tell you about them. Cigarettes? Check. Beer? Check. headphones? Check. Track on repeat? Check. Ok (slaps face) ok, OK!!! (SLAPS FACE HARDER!!) OK!! LET’S FUCKING DO THIS!!! REVIEWING NOW!! FUCKING REVIEWING!!! Sorry about that. Submission qualities to my taste have been thin on the ground here at IPHYB. Thankfully, Melbourne hardcore prolapsers “Stuck Below” offer me some respite. This review took me a few starts, because every time I started writing this, I moshed my headphones off and they went flying across the room, making it harder to hear the song and review it at the same time. I did try with the headphones on the other side of the room, which served only to strain my already failing, old hearing whilst trying to figure it out from the faint thunder of the tiny speakers on the floor. All to no avail. Once I figured out headphone restraint, I kept air drumming to it. Beer was going everywhere and we can’t have that. Double the restraint. OK then. Stuck Below are a hardcore band from Melbourne. With just enough bottom end bass punch and tight as a Mary’s Jane playing to give them a nice doomy head bobbing infection. “Soulless” begins with a big four punch chord crunch intro before beginning the brick solid hardcore punk verse. Vocalist Jack delivers some biting vitriol to...

Song Review: Polaris – “Unfamiliar”

Song: Unfamiliar Band/Artist: Polaris Location: Sydney, New South Wales Date of Release: 4th March, 2015 Genre: Progressive Metal/Djent Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: Monuments, Periphery, Erra Why they aren’t famous: Oh, they will be. You’ll see. Besides, they already sort of are anyway, or at least Ryan Siew is. Ho. Lee. Fuck. That was my immediate reaction to this track, and even now after about 25 listens, I’m still utterly gobsmacked by the sheer quality of EVERYTHING about it. If you want beef, you really won’t find it here so I suggest you go elsewhere, perhaps to your local butcher’s maybe. So strap yourself in while I shamelessly hype the living fuck out of this song, because quite frankly it’s exactly what I’ve been waiting for from these guys ever since I found out that Ryan Siew had joined them. This is actually going to be relatively short to be honest, because there isn’t much point in exhausting my extensive stock of superlatives on the technical elements, when it would be much easier for me to just point out that in that regard everything is just flawless. They are all supreme technicians, which is made only more disgusting by how fucking young they all are. Safe to say, everything is tighter than my jap’s eye, and I have a micropenis so that opening is tiny as fuck. Seriously, it’s like a micron wide. But I digress… It’s actually a testament to how good this is that I actively tried to ignore how schmick the production is in order to stop the “production swoon’” from...

Song Review: As The Sun Sleeps – “Nostalgia”

Song: ‘Nostalgia’ Band: As The Sun Sleeps Location: Wherever Harry Potter is from; Swindon, Wiltshire Date Of Release: 26 January 2015 Genre: Pop Punk Reviewer:P/11owp4nt5 For Fans Of: Fapping into a strong breeze; like playing chicken with yourself. Why They Aren’t Famous: They are shit­cunts As the Sun Sleeps are a 4 piece pop punk band hailing from stinktown UK. They list ‘feelings’ as their main influence and their only interests seem to be drinking, beer pong, and making some pretty sick pop punk tunes for your ears to orgasm to. I like this band. I have listened to ‘Nostalgia’ for 4 days now, and I’ve passed it up until now. I thought it was well executed upon the first few listens but the chorus didn’t grab me. I love the intro and towards the end where they bring the same section back in to lead on to a mad overlayed outro. The Chorus was a bit bland for me at first but now I love it. I like the lyrical flow and varying melodies involved in the song, especially when the vocals in the chorus get pushed up higher. ‘Nostalgia’, other than being an asshole to keep spelling, for me is the New Found Glory equivalent of I’d Kill To Fall Asleep, or songs of that manner. I loved Hit or Miss and Head on Collision from my first pre­pubescent visit into those new fancy ‘C.D” shops you kids are all into these days. It’s like you know it’s a good song, all the elements are there, it just took a while longer than some of the other...

Song Review: The Stratagem – “Vicious Retribution”

Song: Vicious Retribution Band/Artist: The Stratagem Location: Brisbane Date of Release: 11/02/2015 Genre: Deathcore/memecore/jizzfilledundiescore Reviewer: Listerfiend! Bruh For Fans Of: Shitting your pants, breakdowns and hating people Why They Aren’t Famous: Because Senpaii hasn’t notcied them This is my second review in 24 hours. Let’s just say this is truly affecting my sex life. I am however saving money on hand lotion and the dick shaped cut out in my mattress is finally getting aired out for the first time in a year. Don’t get me wrong I love her but I need my fucking space from all of her and her bed bugs. Any way moving along to this song… I was very aware of The Stratagem, yet I have never heard any of their music prior to this day. I don’t know if the rest of their music is shit……but this song is fucking great! Let’s start off with guitars. Exactly want I wanted to hear!! I like my guitars to be like my taste in women, nice, slim, great rack and an ass that you can eat barbeque sauce off. Just like the riffs in this song. But I also like my women to be fat, hairy and have bigger balls than me. Just like the chugs in this song. The solo was much like the eating BBQ sauce off the ass of one of those girls I like, so fucking tasty. The levels were also mixed in well. Moving on. Bass, lol Drums were just the punch in the face I needed from this song. Fast and hard (much like my sex life). However I...

Song Review: Marshall Art – “Nothing Can Be Fixed Here. God, Burn!”

Song: Nothing Can Be Fixed Here. God, Burn! Band/Artist: Marshall Art Location: Ottawa, Canada Date of Release: January 16th, 2015 Genre: Post-Rock/Chiptune Reviewer: CrispyChicken For Fans Of: Anamanaguchi, Redflag, Disasterpeace So I’ve come to become known as the resident chiptune expert here at IPHYB – whenever something chippy and old school comes our way, the lads call me in Ghostbusters-style to try and make sense of it. But “resident expert” is probably a bit of an overstatement – while I’m familiar with the chiptune genres and make music (if you can call it that) within them myself, I’m not actually overly familiar with the scene outside of the more famous figures like Disasterpeace and Virt. This being the second time we’ve ever received a submission like this, I’m elated to introduce you guys to Marshall Art (who are signed to massive netlabel Ubiktune), an instrumental progressive rock band who use the chiptune aesthetic for their own crazy purposes. The tune they’ve elected to send me off of their upcoming self-titled debut, “Nothing Can Be Fixed Here. God, Burn!”, is dark, brooding, atmospheric, and…interesting. The chiptune elements wax and wane for a bit before taking more of a stand towards the halfway mark of the piece, and the whole song has the feeling of just slowly building up and getting progressively more intense (by the 2/3rds mark, it’s almost a black metal song, and I’m sure that’s a major influence on this track), before just devolving into noise and then ending with a peaceful guitar coda. It easily holds your attention, and the eclectic mix of styles is head-turning but...

EP Review: Double Lined Minority – “Caught In The Ceasefire”

EP: Caught In The Ceasefire Band/Artist: Double Lined Minority Location: Gold Coast, Queensland Twitter: @FollowDLM Date of Release: 11th February Genre: Pop Punk/Rock Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack) For Fans Of: Blink 182, The Offspring, Sum 41, Green Day Why they aren’t famous: Because you touch yourself at night, that’s why! Captain’s Log Stardate: 40215 It’s been a long day. My crew are starving, our resources dwindle. Have requested a care package from HQ to no avail. Some wise-ass at HQ made a crack about posting his shitty band’s CD instead, told him to go fuck himself. Probably get written up, but I don’t care. My men are dying, and so is my faith in God. Captain’s Log Stardate: 70215 Furious. Private Terwilliger shit in the fucking cistern again. I’m sick of his fucking pranks. I haven’t eaten in a week, save for a piece of cheese I found under the fridge. Don’t ask why I was looking there. Retrieved a Jetsam parcel earlier today, in hopes it was the provisions we so desperately require. No luck. Just a fucking CD. If I make it out alive, I’m going to hand feed that smug little fuck’s mum my cheese kransky, video tape it and send him a copy. Captain’s Log Stardate: 100215 Finally got some meagre supplies. Turns out fuckboy had sent the CD as a gag and then jettisoned the other package shortly after. Maybe I won’t send him the tape after all. Decided to give his crappy CD a spin anyway. Not like there’s much else to do on this god-forsaken rust bucket. Besides, we’re...

Song Review: Hospital – “Black Midi”

Song: Black Midi Band/Artist: Hospital  Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia  Date of Release: August, 2014 Genre: Experimental Electronica Reviewer: Penfold My ex-wife was, for all intents and purposes, a grating waste of human skin. She was a reprehensible sociopath who liked to buy expensive cigarettes just to blow the smoke in the faces of babies. She didn’t even smoke, naught for that purpose. Actually, come to think about it, she didn’t even dislike babies. I think she just took offense to the fact someone else managed to create something, other than a series of quarter-inch deep cuts, during sex. My ex-wife was a pointless cum-stain on the fabric of my life. A cum stain that I only noticed after I’d left the house and was on the way to a court appearance. A court appearance with her. The only time we’ve ever really shared honest feelings about each other. Honest feelings that mostly ended up in further “contempt of court” charges. God I fucking loved that bitch, just like I fucking love this song. My relationship with my ex-wife was an experiment and an experience. This song is an experiment and an experience. The discordant synthesis during the beginning of the track leads to a bassline has more substance in its tone, than it has in its purpose. It’s a tone so pure it’s almost out of place in this song, think of it like this: We all have that one person in our lives who is nothing more than an depressive reason to take narcotics. A person who sports a heart of pure ice. A person who also compliments...

Song Review: Guards of May – “Annotata”

Song: Annotata Band/Artist: Guards of May Location: Brisbane Date of Release: Late 2014? Genre: Rock/progressive Reviewer: Grass-Man For Fans Of: Karnivool/Fair to Midland Ladies and Gentlemen, step right up and witness a review filled to the brim with all the beef you can handle. Witness with your very own ears what is likely to be one of the worst songs to be submitted to IPHYB in 2015. All the horrendous music you can handle in only a few short minutes. HOPEFULLY I’ve managed to trick a few of you into either checking out this review or more importantly, having a listen to this track. Unfortunately, thanks to our old mate Mark Fuckberg, many of our posts don’t get a great deal of reach. As many of you have probably noticed it’s more often the “beefy” and “abusive” reviews that people tend to take notice of. I make no apologies for the misleading post in an attempt to coax a few more of you beef hungry mother fuckers into hitting play and enjoying a fairly solid little number, just for a change! Right from the top of the track you get blessed with these big, in your face riffs. It’s certainly an intro that sucks you in and if you’re not careful you can easily forget that Guards of May aren’t a household name (yet), and are in fact, still a band cutting their teeth in the local scene and striving to make a mark in the cut throat industry that is music. You could argue that “Annotata” is a little bit reminiscent of bands like “Karnivool, The Butterfly Effect,...