Band’s Van Works Flawlessly for Entire Tour, Scientists Baffled

Band’s Van Works Flawlessly for Entire Tour, Scientists Baffled

Metalcore outfit Ashes Of Forever has made history – not because their music is any good, but because their equipment seemingly defies the very laws of physics. Opening for powerska icons Almost Decent on a month-long tour of the southeastern United States, the Charleston, South Carolina-based hipsters-at-first-glance utilized a ratty 1998 Ford Econoline to ferry them from gig to gig. To the surprise of everyone involved, it survived the entire tour without its engine failing, transmission snapping, wheel falling off, or spontaneously combusting. “Frankly, I’m shocked,” said Ashes Of Forever frontman Jared Matthews. “We had called up every repair shop on the east coast prior to the tour, asking if there was room for a soon-to-be fucked-up van … It’s always good to err on the side of caution, but damn. Even the air-conditioning worked without a hitch.” “I’m disappointed we paid for insurance,” the band’s lead guitarist, Dean Malkovich, added. “If we hadn’t done that, if we had known we’d make it through the tour without a flat tyre putting us in a ditch or a faulty fuel line ready to send us to oblivion …” He took a moment to adjust his unironically dark sunglasses and scratch his heavily tattooed arm. “Hell, we could’ve afforded to eat more than one meal a day. Maybe at somewhere nicer than a Waffle House.” “Like IHOP,” Matthews chimed in. People have been clamoring to own this seemingly supernatural piece of history. After turning down offers from multiple bands, private collectors, and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, the band eventually decided to turn the van over to researchers at...
Two Arrested in SKINDRED Singer Slashing

Two Arrested in SKINDRED Singer Slashing

Two women have been connected to and subsequently arrested for the attack on Skindred frontman Benji Webbe that occurred last week. On January 30th, Webbe and his girlfriend were walking home from a friend’s birthday party in the Welsh town of Newport (that’s in Great Britain, for the geographically-challenged amongst us) when they were confronted. His girlfriend was “dragged around and verbally abused” while Webbe fell victim to the wrong end of a large glass shard. He received deep cuts to the face and neck, which required 24 stitches; the wounds did not affect his singing ability, but he will be permanently disfigured. He detailed the attack to Wales Online: I went outside with my girlfriend, Julie, and I saw about three or four girls arguing. As we went past them I tried to calm them down and said ‘calm down will you’ jokingly. One of the women turned to me and came within four inches of my face, screaming and shouting. The woman had fallen over and her glass had smashed. She got up and all hell broke loose. I thought she had slapped me in the face…[The cut] was about two inches from my jugular vein. At first I didn’t realise the seriousness of the damage. I could have not been here today. One girl grabbed Julie as well and they were spitting on her. Today, two women were arrested in relation to the incident. A forty-year-old woman was arrested for assault, while a twenty-nine-year-old woman was arrested for affray (street fighting) and criminal damage. Both have posted and are subsequently out on bail. In the words...
Song Review: No Gravity – “Beneath the Dirt”

Song Review: No Gravity – “Beneath the Dirt”

Band: No Gravity Song: Beneath the Dirt Genre: Alternative rock, electronic rock, synthpop Date of Release: March 2nd, 2014 Location: Bratislava, Slovakia Reviewer: Sam For Fans Of: The Killers, The Bravery “Why?” You might be asking. “Why review a song from 2014? Why review a band from Slovakia? Why review a genre you barely listen to?” Well, my reasoning is rather simple and shared with many other great men and women throughout human history: curiosity. As you probably don’t know, I’m a fairly devoted fan of the Howard Stern Show. Back in 2007, No Gravity was in New York City promoting themselves on a public access TV show called “Hugs For Harlem”. During this fateful appearance, they were subject to one of the funniest prank calls ever perpetuated (done in part by legendary death metal drummer and Stern staffer Richard Christy). Naturally, this got me curious. Obviously, a band who promotes itself on a second-rate public access show probably won’t be very good, but just how bad could they really be? I did some research, found the “music band”, as they call themselves (their English isn’t great), and popped on their latest single. I immediately asked myself the same question I started this review with: why? Why would someone make music like this? Why would said music sound like this? Why the hell am I still listening to it? It’s pretty clear that No Gravity is going for a 2005 synthpop Bravery-type vibe, but (perhaps thanks to their Slavic roots) it comes across as a cheap Eastern European competitor product which tries so hard to be like its Western...
AMON AMARTH Release New Single, Album Details, Tour Dates

AMON AMARTH Release New Single, Album Details, Tour Dates

Swedish slayers Amon Amarth, the world’s premier experts on the Viking lifestyle, have revealed a ton of exciting information as they blaze their paths towards eternal glory in Valhalla. The follow up to 2013’s Deceiver of the Gods will be released March 25th. It’s titled Jomsviking, which translates into English as…Jomsviking. Thanks, Google. Ever-persistent, I tried Wikipedia and found this tasty morsel of knowledge: The Jomsvikings were a semi-legendary order of Viking mercenaries or brigands of the 10th century and 11th century. They were staunchly Pagan and dedicated to the worship of such deities as Odin and Thor. They reputedly would fight for any lord able to pay their substantial fees and occasionally fought alongside Christian rulers. Although they were Pagan, the institutions of the Jomsvikings in some ways anticipated those of the Christian Knightly Orders of the later Middle Ages. Interesting. Just don’t ask me to pronounce the title. Something-viking, that’s all I know. In order to tease the release of the album and its first single, the band released a video of MetalSucks‘s Axl Rosenberg (who has one of the best pen names I’ve ever heard) doing his best impression of IPHYB’s writers: dwelling in his mom’s basement, consuming Hot Pockets, and mocking bands on Reddit. He then gets stabbed. By a Viking. That came out of his computer screen. It’s nice to know that, in the face of all their lyrical seriousness, Amon Amarth doesn’t shy away from self-parody. The band has released the album’s track listing (shown below) and artwork (shown above), which airs much farther on the stylized side than the band’s usual realistic...