Song Review: Aspens – “Broken Body”

Song Review: Aspens – “Broken Body”

Song: “Broken Body” Band: Aspens Location: Castle Rock, CO, ‘Murica Release Date: August 27, 2015 (because MM/DD/YYYY is how we do it in the free world) Genre: Hardcore punk Reviewer: Sam For Fans Of: Beartooth, flailing aimlessly in mosh pits Why They Aren’t Famous: This is their first album; they need time to mature as musicians and songwriters. Some of you might have noticed there’s a new face reviewing this song, and if you’re really keeping tabs on this website so closely that you have all of the authors’ names memorized, then allow me to applaud you and kindly ask you to stay away from me at the same time. I am a new face, though. I’m Sam, a sarcastic asshole from the United States with a passion for music and writing pretty. I’ll be one of the guides helping you tour the wonderful museum of sound that is I Probably Hate Your Band. Our first stop on the tour is the first band I’ve been assigned to review: Aspens, a hardcore band from Colorado. The band is made up of three hipster-looking guys from the middle of nowhere in a state that legalized marijuana; if first impressions count for anything, this should be interesting. On that note, my first impression of the song “Broken Body”, the second single off of their upcoming album, is that the band totally forgot they were recording. It fades in with a whopping 24 seconds of metronome, guitar feedback, and seat rustling. It seems like a small gripe, but if my math is correct (it usually isn’t), that’s 10 percent of the song...
Album Review: Metal Allegiance – [Self Titled]

Album Review: Metal Allegiance – [Self Titled]

Album: “Metal Allegiance” Band: Metal Allegiance Location: Wherever they are needed to bring peace and justice to the metal world Release Date: September 18, 2015 Genre: Heavy Metal, Thrash Metal, Groove Metal, Progressive Metal Reviewer: Sam For Fans Of: Old school heavy metal, any of the bajillion bands whose members took part in this Track Listing: 1. Gift of Pain – 5:50 2. Let Darkness Fall – 7:00 3. Can’t Kill the Devil – 4:55 4. Dying Song – 6:35 5. Scars – 5:29 6. Destination: Nowhere – 5:57 7. Wait Until Tomorrow – 6:15 8. Triangulum (I. Creation II. Evolution III. Destruction) – 7:44 9. Pledge of Allegiance – 6:17 10. We Rock (Dio cover) – 6:04 Where can I begin with Metal Allegiance? This brand new supergroup does for heavy metal what Teenage Time Killers did for punk earlier this year; everyone who is anyone is involved with this album. If Metal Allegiance were a basketball team, it would be the 1992 American Olympic “Dream Team”. Made of the best of the best, they should theoretically cut a bloody swath through any other group in their path. Just look at this lineup: Vocalists: Randy Blythe (Lamb of God, Teenage Time Killers) Troy Sanders (Mastodon, Killer Be Killed) Chuck Billy (Testament) Phil Anselmo (You should know who Phil goddamn Anselmo is) Mark Osegueda (Death Angel) Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil) Matt Heafy (Trivium, Roadrunner United) dUg Pinnick (King’s X) Jamey Jasta (Hatebreed) Chris Jericho (Fozzy) Tim “Ripper” Owens (Judas Priest, Iced Earth) Alissa White-Gluz (Arch Enemy, The Agonist) Steve “Zetro” Sousa (Exodus, Testament) Guitarists: Alex Skolnick (Testament) Phil Demmel...
Mitzvah Mansoor, and Ten Jewish Metal Band Names

Mitzvah Mansoor, and Ten Jewish Metal Band Names

Happy Hanukkah, everybody (or as we say in Hebrew, דלק סילוני לא יכול להמס קורות פלדה)! I love this time of year, because Hanukkah food is awesome, but I also hate this time of year, because the rest of the world likes to rub my non-Christianity in my face. I get it, you have trees and presents and an old-ass miscreant who dresses very conspicuously for home invasions. I’m from Florida; we have the stand your ground law, bitch, don’t come ‘round. Before I go any further, allow me to clarify something: everyone who told you that the reason the Jews celebrate Hanukkah is because a day’s supply of oil burned for eight days is wrong. That’s actually a story made up by rabbis in the Middle Ages to make the holiday more family-friendly. The real miracle of the season is that a ragtag group of Jewish farmers defeated the goddamn Greek army, the most powerful fighting force on the planet (they had war elephants!), with nothing more than improvised weapons and guerilla tactics. I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty fucking metal. To get into that spirit, here are ten metal bands whose names could be improved with Jewish nomenclature. Although Meshuggah takes their name from the Yiddish word for a crazy person (meshuggenah), they do not count. Chai On Fire High on Fire Chai is an important concept because it’s the word for the number eighteen. In Hebrew, it’s also the symbol for “life”, which is probably something you don’t have if you’re reading IPHYB. Challanish Circle Callenish Circle Is it ironic that their most well...
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