by Erised Iphyb
Australian legal history has been made today after a jury of his peers took just 11 seconds to return a unanimous guilty verdict for convicted murderer Gerard Baden-Clay. This is believed to be an Australian record, eclipsing the previous record of 13.4 seconds in the case of The State vs. Tony Abbott, which of course centred around the offense caused by his repeated appearance in public wearing ‘speedos’.
In an unprecedented move, the presiding judge sentenced Baden-Clay to 25 years gaol, which in itself isn’t uncommon. What set the media alight was the added conditions to Baden-Clay’s imprisonment. Supreme Judge Henry T. Rollins spoke thus: “For the heinous crime of murder in the first degree I sentence you, Gerard Vivian Baden-Clay to 25 years gaol, with no chance of parole. In acknowledgement of the severity of your crime and in recognition of the particularly flimsy defence you and your legal team put forward, I decree an additional condition that you will be forced to listen to Justice Crew’s “Che Sera” on repeat for the entire duration of your sentence. In handing down this sentence, I should hope that the full impart of this punishment is taken as a deterent for would-be murderers across Australia, indeed, even the world at large.”
Upon recieving his sentence, Baden-Clay was visibly distressed; he was observed sobbing uncontrollably, cursing God, Zeus, Buddha or “Whichever bastard God did this to me” and he was also quoted as screaming “That song is f*&[email protected] terrible!” repeatedly as the bailiffs removed him from the courtroom.
John Smith, head of Baden-Clay’s legal representative team has openly criticised Supreme Judge Rollins’ sentence, saying “This is absolutely, positively draconian! I can’t believe that in 2014 we are still seeing such excessive punitive measures in our penal system. Rest assured that we will be working around the clock to explore our options!” It is thought that those “options” include a possible extradition to the US state of Alabama where Baden-Clay’s legal team hope to have his sentence downgraded to the death penalty.
Public opinion is overwhelmingly in favour of the penalty being too harsh for the crime. “I mean, for starters it’s supposed to be bloomin’ Que Sera, Sera! These bell ends are singing “What will be”…What will be bloomin’ WHAT?!”, fumed one interviewee, whilst another took particular exception to Justice Crew being a “bunch of glorified back-up dancers with barely a shred of musical talent between them!”.
Conversely, one citizen interviewed proclaimed, “they weren’t bloody harsh enough! If I were the flamin’ judge, the bastard would have been sentence to listening to “Baby” by Justin Bieber until his bloody brain turned to mush!”, though studies have shown that that would technically be a reduced sentence (see “Bieber Smash Hit Reduces Grey Matter to Mush In Just Two Days” for details). The jury may be out regarding the suitability of what is being coined as “Crew-l and Unusual Justice”, but this reporter shudders at the mere thought of Baden-Clay being served his “Justin Desserts”.
* This article is clearly satire.
Publisher at IPHYB
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.
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