The IPHYB School For Bands Who Wanna Tour Good [SATIRE]

The IPHYB School For Bands Who Wanna Tour Good [SATIRE]
Recently we decided to hit up our Facebook discussion group (IPHYB Presents: Beef the Musical II – Electric Boogaloo; feel free to join) for some tips, tricks, and advice for bands and artists who are new to the whole lifestyle of touring. Seeing as some fairly seasoned musicians from some pretty popular bands frequent /b/the/mu/ (as we have affectionately nicknamed our group), we thought we’d be able to provide our readers with some insightful and useful advice.

Evidently, we thought wrong…

Tip #1:
Invest in Tinder Premium
Those long, cold nights on the road can get pretty lonely, and groupies just aren’t what they used to be – step into the 21st century, and from there, straight into a random girl/boy’s bed. Also a great way to find a place to crash for the night.
Tip #2:
Get your band to lend a hand.
If you can’t score a Tinder date because you’re butt-ugly and you only recently discovered girls no longer give a shit about band guys, always remember the age-old rule: “It’s not gay if you say ‘no homo’ before you bust your load”. Also, it’s 2015, not 1955 – I think we can all admit we’ve experimented without feeling any shame about it.
Tip #3:
Never use a condom, collect STD’s and show them off like trophies – it’ll give you something to talk about with the grandkids one day.
Tip #4:
Don’t bother allocating money for food – spend all of your money on meth and just stay awake for the entire tour.
This ultimately solves the food problem and the sleeping problem, and you won’t need to brush your teeth either because you won’t have any left.
Tip #5:
Never contact the bands you are playing with to find out what backline is available. Expect it to be provided; you are rockstars, after all. Also, you can always safely assume that accommodation and transport inbetween will be organised, and provided, free of charge.
Tip #6:
Never, I repeat, NEVER skim more than $20 at a time from the band’s merch proceeds, or fellow bandmates will start to suspect your lavish tour lifestyle. How are you gonna explain where you got the money for that footlong Subway sub when your bandmates are stuck with 6 inchers?
Tip #7:
Make sure you demand cash payment directly after your set. Those lines of coke and cheap beers aren’t going to pay for themselves!
Extra tip: If the promotor or venue owner refuses to pay you immediately, make sure you trash talk them on the internet ASAP.
Tip #8:
It’s okay to sleep with underage girls, as long as you’re in a band – just ask Front Porch Step, Blood on the Dancefloor and Youth In Revolt. Remember Tip #3, though!
Also, make sure you never ask how old the girl you are trying to get onto at the AA gig is. A) You’ll be disappointed, B) It’s irrelevant anyway, and C) You can always plead ignorance afterwards.
Tip #9:
Actually, forget Tip #3 – ALWAYS wear a condom. Not even for sex, just 24/7. On stage, in the bus, at every venue – just never take it off.
Tip #10:
Loading in and packing up is for chumps. You guys are rockstars, not pack mules! Pretend to be busy during load-in and load-out to avoid doing any physical labour. Let everyone else do it for you.
Tip #11:
Become straight edge just before tour – those cigarette withdrawals will really help your bandmates get to know the real you. You’ll also get mad bragging rights, and everyone will love hearing about how righteous you are for being 3 days sober.
Tip #12:
Goon.
If you don’t know what goon is, you’re probably American, in which case you should be shooting up a school somewhere, not reading this.
Tip #13:
Definitely make sure you cheat on your partner at every available opportunity whilst on tour. They’re totally fine with it, trust us.
Tip #14:
Don’t ever bother to bring a float for merchandise.
There’s always that punter who kinda wanted to buy your shirt, but only had a $50 note … It’s okay that you didn’t have change for them to make that purchase. You’re the best band in the world, after all – they’ll definitely come back later on, once they’ve had another few Jägerbombs and forgotten about your set entirely.
And there you have, students of ‘The IPHYB School For Bands Who Wanna Tour Good’!
We have taught you everything you need to know about life on the road, and how to be an A+, top-tier, professional musician. Go forth and travel the lands, spreading your music (and diseases) like the plague.

[Disclaimer: This article is quite obviously satire – if you actually do any of the things listed, you’re a right cunt. Please proceed to the shortest pier within your immediate vicinity, and then engage in a long walk off said short pier]
The IPHYB School For Bands Who Wanna Tour Good [SATIRE]
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Liam Robnik

Director at IPHYB
Liam Robnik, AKA Thrillhouse.
I Probably Hate Your Band's Co-Publisher.
Musician, collector of fine guitars, purveyor of shit reviews.
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