ABOVE: It’s Mitzvah Mansoor! Get it? I have no friends.
Happy Passover, everybody (or as we say in Hebrew, דלק סילוני לא יכול להמס קורות פלדה)! To be perfectly honest, I’m not a fan of this holiday. Not only do I have to forego bread for eight days, but I have to spend two of them having a ritualized dinner with extended family I don’t care about? No thanks. I hope you goyim enjoyed your Easter.
I have to admit, though, Passover (or “Pesach” in Hebrew) is a pretty metal holiday. So metal, in fact, it could be named the official holiday of thrash. It’s a story from the Old Testament, when the ancient Israelites began their mass Exodus from Egypt thanks to an Angel of Death that Slaye(r)d every Egyptian’s first-born son. Megadeth. Did I get ‘em all?
But yeah, Passover features a flaming bush that never burned, a prophet’s struggle for power with an oppressive ruler, ten plagues of blood and eternal darkness and murder, the sea being split apart by divine intervention and the subsequent drowning of an entire army. The holiday reads like a Dream Theater concept album; it’s pretty sick.
To get into that spirit, here are ten metal bands whose names could be improved with Jewish nomenclature. Although Meshuggah takes their name from the Yiddish word for a crazy person (meshuggenah), they do not count.
1. Chai on Fire (High on Fire)
Chai is an important concept because it’s the word for the number eighteen. In Hebrew, it’s also the symbol for “life”, which is something we at IPHYB are yet to experience.
2. Challanish Circle (Callenish Circle)
Is it ironic that their most well known song is called “Suffer My Disbelief”? Probably not, because I can’t come up with a better joke.
3. Shabbaton (Sabaton)
Sabaton should write a song or two about the Old Testament, considering the battles it describes are metal as fuck.
4. The Fall of Oy (The Fall of Troy)
“The Fall of Goy” was also considered.
5. Jewicidal Tendencies (Suicidal Tendencies)
This may or may not be a Holocaust joke. No, it’s definitely a Holocaust joke.
6. Matzodon (Mastodon)
You should know who Mastodon is.
7. Midnight Mohel (Midnight Oil)
If you’re Australian, you should know who Midnight Oil is.
8. The Plot in Jew (The Plot in You)
I know nothing about this band.
9. Sepultorah (Sepultura)
Abrahamic religions are much like Sepultura: the newer derivatives try way too hard but still aren’t as cool as the original.
10. Theory of a Deadmensch (Theory of a Deadman)
Actually, I believe that’s called Zionism.
To cap this article off, here’s the greatest song ever written about Passover (or any Jewish holiday, for that matter). Of course, as we know, Metallica hates the concept of free music, so here’s a cover instead.
Sam, also known by his colleagues as "Jewy Lewis and the News", has a booming voice that frightens the elderly and an innate need to inform everyone of his opinions about everything, whether they want to hear them or not. He is currently a student of Broadcast Journalism at the prestigious S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications at Syracuse University.
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