Written by: The Astr0naut
Disclaimer: There’s a new thing being introduced here in IPHYB, and it is called an Astr0noob Rant thanks to the wonderful fucktards at Emberville. Since this is now a thing, and this is the first one, welcome to the first Astr0noob Rant about genres! This is basically a list of positive and negative genres that came around that should either come back or not. I’ll leave that up to YOU though.
Oh, Horrorcore. Where to begin… Well it developed years back in the rap scene, becoming popular with Memphis, Tennessee Hip Hop stronghold artist, Three Six Mafia. Keeping the idea of horrorcore real is a daunting task. This is not your typical rap; Horrorcore is normally much more sick and twisted at the roots, giving a dastardly sounding beat as a backdrop and lyrics that involve horrid scenarios such as killing and rape, but that’s in more extreme cases. Other artists to check out who do this are Tyler, The Creator, Tech, N9ne, and the group OFWGKTA, just to name a few.
9. Happy Hardcore
Happy Hardcore is not actual hardcore. The majority of this genre doesn’t normally use guitars and drums at all. This strange plethora of noises is all revolved around electronic dance music mixed with trance that is supposed to leave the listener “happy”. I don’t know who the actual fuck could have said such a thing, but I would rather Ronnie Radke stick a tutu up my dickhole than actually listen to more than three songs of this in a row. It does, however, have some okay perks if you are into EDM. Happy Hardcore is also great if you’re under the influence of Ecstasy, Molly, or your drug of choice.
Skramz is a genre that really came and went among cult followings with people like us and our love for whatever the fuck you listen to. After being a close runner up the the hardcore scene of the 1990’s, Skramz kind of hit the ground and died out around early 2004 when metalcore started to become prominent, branching off from heavy metal. This genre was a strange fusion between what post hardcore had existed in the 90’s already and some really dank emo shit. Genre oblivious cunts always lump skramz and screamo together, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a Murrican.
This is the only genre where I will shove my opinion down your throat, because fuck Trap. It’s a derivative subsidiary of extremely boring EDM that barely changes throughout the song. Where electronic genres like Dubstep get an awful rep for sounding atrocious, Trap has decided to throw itself under the bus as the most talentless and utmost shitty fucking genre the world has ever heard, but for some reason there’s still a fanbase. It’s mostly ravers and post-scene kids, not that there’s a difference, but it’s extremely popular in the UK. Admiral Ackbar does not approve this genre.
Cybergrind is a sub genre of what we now know as Grindcore. While mixing super heavy grindcore with electronics sounds weird enough, Crunkcore still exists, so it can’t be that bad. Back in the really scene days of music, a handful of bands tried out this genre and didn’t really do too well. SkyEatsAirplane called themselves Cybergrind like once in a YouTube interview I watched when I actually liked them, but they really aren’t. The only band that has actually been kind of successful off of this genre is Genghis Tron.
Ska has to be one of the most [subjectively] coolest fucking genres to ever have existed. I absolutely hate punk music but I love ska, which is weird, because ska is essentially punk rock-based with horns. Fucking HORNS. You have a vocalist, two or so guitarists, a drummer, and a FUCKING HORN SECTION. That is literally a saxophone, a trumpet, a trombone, and has a possibility of including even more. No band can ever stand up to the obtuse masculinity and downright God damned amazing tunes of a ska band. Even if you hate punk, you will love the energy a ska show gives off.
To clarify this in the beginning, no one actually knows what the fuck shoegaze is. Apparently it’s an indie-based genre that has heavy echo and vocal effects with most of the instruments being blurred out by each other. It’s one of the more hipster genres, covering sparse sections of the world of genres over the past couple decades. Some “experts” are saying that it will have a mass rebirth in the coming years, but these are the same people saying there will be an emo “revival”, as if it went away in the first place.
3. Dark Ambient
Dark Ambient is some weird, self-concerning music. It really bases itself around a drone machine and noises such as speech excerpts, people screaming [not in terms of musical screaming]. There is rarely percussion, but you will hear a gong here and there, which is pretty cool. A large amount of the genre has to do with resonance and dissonance of sound, creating a barrier between what you think you hear and what you may actually be hearing. Although there are some kind of okay dark ambient artists, it really ends up just being synchronized noises.
First thing is first; if an artist tells you their music is Avante-Garde, they are too hipster and they need to castrated. Calling yourself and your music that is essentially tattooing “asshole” on your forehead because the only thing more visible than your ego is the fucking money deficit that Abbott continues to fuck up. Unless you are famous, this is a no-no. You are not Gotye. You are not Lorde. Do yourself a favor and write cliche indie garbage on garageband instead of deeming your “self produced album you recorded in your bedroom” the topcunt and fuck yourself before a professional musician critiques your 0/10 bullshit.
The smallest, and probably most unknown genre on this list, is Lowercase. Similar to dark ambient, it is much less horrifying and creates an essence of everyday sounds to entice the listener. It may not be the most exciting thing in the world, but it’s very nice sleeping music, and extremely relaxing after you blow your ears out at a shitty local deathcore show you went to so you can hook up with the drummer’s girlfriend while he’s playing the wrong song on stage. Lowercase was never really pronounced as a legitimate genre, keeping it exclusive to hipsters and easy listeners, but it never hurts to press play and hear some soothing, ambient grace.
I Probably Hate Your Band is a shitty website full of asshole writers. We do nothing but destroy the hopes and dreams of young bands, and have never offered a single positive thing to the world. /Sarcasm
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