Written by Callum Watt
Let’s set the scene. 2 am, a man half groggy from sleep is just conscious enough to realise that his pj bottoms are being pushed to bursting point. He rolls over to his sleeping lady friend and proceeds to ‘knock’ at her back door. She finally gives in and it quickly becomes a scene cut from Girls Gone Wild for being far too explicit.
Well, guess what? They were your parents. And let me tell you – this wasn’t the only time they got down – and we’d guess that a good majority of that ‘adult time’ had some mood music playing in the background.
So without further ado, here’s some tracks that were likely playing when your parents decided to turn the sparkle in their eye into the shitty person that you probably are today.
Let’s Get it On & Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye
When it comes to ‘porktracks’, Marvin Gaye will always be up there with these two classics. It doesn’t matter if you’re a normie or a diehard grind fan, you still love these songs. I would also argue that these songs have probably seen more cock than a urinal.
Cherry Pie – Warrant
If your dad has a crusty old leather jacket covered in patches and your mum has an emotional reaction to the plight of strippers in the industry, there’s a good chance that this was part of the soundtrack to your creation.
I’d Do Anything For Love – Meatloaf
Chubby guys with long hair rejoice! Meatloaf has been making us tangled rollers sexy for decades, and if your mum rolls her eyes and dad has a smirk on his face when the chorus drops, you’ll never have to wonder if mum does anal again.
Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leppard
If mum drags out a memories box full of clear heels, leather hot pants, and unmarked VHS tapes, there’s a plausible chance that you’ll have your headphones in tonight when this starts echoing down the hall from your parents room. In the morning, the old man will want to talk about the car he had when he met your mother, and you don’t want to know how much room was in the back seat.
Push it – Salt n’ Pepper
We all knows what this is, and we all know what went on. Rhythm thrusting.
Have no fear, kids. You’re not the only generation to go through this. Nan and pop shared a look over a few Elvis tunes as well. A solid answer to the question of “why does dad turn off the radio with a shudder when ‘Love Me Tender’ comes on?”
The only question left now is, what porktracks are going to scar the next generation?
I Probably Hate Your Band is a shitty website full of asshole writers. We do nothing but destroy the hopes and dreams of young bands, and have never offered a single positive thing to the world. /Sarcasm
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