by Erised Iphyb
The Western Australian live music scene has been dealt another savage blow today, after reports that Perth’s only recognised Deathcore band, Hurt Them Badly, will be doing a national tour…without Perth dates. This announcement comes in the wake of Hellions’ decision to pull out of the Perth leg of the Rise of Brotality tour due to apparent financial reasons. It tops off a poor year for Australia’s westernmost capital, having also lost Australia’s premier heavy and alternative festival, Soundwave, for 2015.
Lead vocalist of Hurt Them Badly, Shane Hermans explained the move as “A calculated risk” citing the reason for the non-existant Perth dates as “let’s face it, Perth’s a bit shit, amirite?”. After the expected furore, Hermans remarked via twitter that “Perth is like…the El Salvador of Australia. It’s not even good enough to be Mexico. Even Tasmanians think Perth is fucked”.
Locals are understandably upset with the inflammatory reasoning put forward by Perth’s only good band. Perth native and heavy music enthusiast, Cletus Bogane’s left head was moved to remark “They’ve done did it with me this time. I used to love HTB, but now they can suck my 3rd nut”. His right head was unwilling to comment, but nodded in agreeance, one eye looking at this reporter and the other looking at his cousin’s bust as she bent down to pick up a piece of errant cheese from the ground.
It’s not all doom and gloom though, as former-Croatian-gymnast-turned-Death-Metal-vocalist Bilija Thallich explains. “I am simple Croat. I am gay also. Quality of man sex in Perth is very good. Lot’s of man that like other man for sex. Very good time for Bilija!” Potential man-on-man hookups aside, Buried In Verona have volunteered to tour Perth to cover the absense of Hellions, Hurt Them Badly et al. to which the majority of punters issued a polite “no thanks”. It seems that contrary to popular belief, beggars CAN be choosers after all.
*This article is clearly satire
Publisher at IPHYB
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.
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