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IPHYB Reheated Beef: A Week in Recap #4

It’s that time again, scumlords and ladies! This week was a bit of a slow one on the news front, but there was more than enough beef to make up for it. It appears some people’s egos are so very fragile that they feel the need to lash out personally when anyone says anything nasty about their music. And so, last week when I posted the latest 10 bands article, one of the bands got so very ass-frustrated that they saw fit to post my personal details, and then make some pretty average insinuations about me. Now, bear in mind, these people submitted their music to a website called “I Probably Hate Your Band”. Bear in mind, also, that we actually have a full FAQ section that addresses exactly the kind of thing that happened to them. And, not content with calling me out publicly, and attacking me personally, the drummer even decided to inbox me, alluded that he is also in a much bigger deathcore band – notable for being number 11 on everyone’s top 10 favourite deathcore bands – and proceeded to assure me that he would tell everyone about IPHYB, presumably in a negative way. Now, setting aside the fact that this basically would amount to him saying to his label mates, “those nasty IPHYB fellows said bad things about my music on the internet!!!”, he was also seemingly incapable of differentiating between a personal attack, and glib statements made about someone’s art. I mean, it’s a good thing I have broad shoulders or whatever, but I can’t help but think this is pretty much a...

Gene Simmons Says Things, Nobody Really Takes Notice

70’s glam rock lizard and music aficionado Gene Simmons has recently announced that he is “looking forward to the death of rap,” in an interview with Rolling Stone, maintaining that he is “looking forward to music coming back to lyrics and melody, instead of just talking. A song, as far as I’m concerned, is by definition lyric and melody … or just melody.” Well known for his status as a member of KISS in the 70’s and for nothing else in well over three decades, Simmons has recently realized that his glory days are well behind him, obviously spurring him to share his opinion on the state of today’s contemporary music scene during an interview conducted in part to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Destroyer, bemoaning the current state of the music industry at large. “I hate the Internet,” he says. “I make a living, but to be a new band now and just give out your music for free, it’s the crime of the century.” He ascribed the state of the music industry to what he feels is a lack of superstars, whilst maintaining ignorance on how the industry has changed. The roots of hip-hop, in his opinion, date back to the Sixties. “I’m all for anybody talking,” he says. “‘Wild Thing’ was talking: ‘Wild thing, she makes my heart sing, she makes everything.’ There’s no melody there. That’s cool. Napoleon XIV, ‘They’re coming to take me away, Ha-Haaa!’ That’s a funny song, but those are novelty records. So was Dickie Goodman and Mr. Jaws. These were all hits, by the way. But predominantly, music is about melody...

Justin Bieber Wears Blue Shirt, Fans Of The Colour Outraged

Canadian popstar Justin Bieber has once again been criticised for his recent decision to don a blue shirt, with focus being drawn upon his apparent impudence of the once great reputation of the colour. Recently drawing controversy over his wardrobe choices, the singer’s latest decision has spurred many ardent fans of the normally neutral colour to promise violent retribution against Bieber for the appropriation of the shade, which, according to experts, is recognised as the colour of the sky, Smurfs, and The Blue Man Group, as well as generally being agreed upon as the colour of choice for most oceans. Recently, Bieber premièred his Purpose World Tour in Seattle this week, and reportedly took the opportunity to pay homage to the city’s famed grunge roots, where he was caught sporting two flannel shirts, ripped jeans, and a t-shirt emblazoned with Kurt Cobain‘s face, earning the ire of many in the alternative music community. Additionally, the Canadian teen icon was lambasted last year over a choice to publicly sport a Metallica shirt. However, this latest development has provoked further controversy amongst many proponents of the combination of violet and green on the optical spectrum of visible light, whom are being forced to re-examine their decision to wear blue shirts themselves, consume blueberries, or even allow their children to watch Nickelodeon’s Blue’s Clues. Dr Caroline Myers, Professor of Arts Studies at Oxford University and the spokesperson/secretary general of the World Association of The Colour Blue, has publicly lashed out at Bieber: “Blue has been used for art, decoration, and as a clothing dye since ancient times. It’s the respected colour of...

Don’t Let Complacency Destroy Brisbane’s Nightlife: It’s Time To Stand Up And Fight

Written by Jeremy Di Re from Right To A Good Night The incoming lockout laws are probably not weighing on your mind at the moment. The 3am last drinks policy doesn’t start until July, and the 1am lockout isn’t set to come into play until February next year. But that doesn’t mean we should sit down and just accept it, theses laws are wrong, bad and should be challenged until the bitter end – and then some. The fact that the government needed to negotiate and pander to the whims of two conservative members in rural Queensland to pass them demonstrates how bad they really are. These laws were championed by Dr Anthony Lynham, a man who also, as environmental minister, sold out the Great Barrier Reef to multinational mining companies who want to dredge 61 hectares of untouched marine area. The ramifications of his direct decisions will contribute to the bleaching of the reef, climate change, and decimate tourism operators on the reef. This is not a man who has the privilege of moralising lockout laws when the decisions he has made as minister for the environment lack any sense of morality whatsoever. This is a government that claims they want to protect the young and the innocent – it’s funny then that they would stand idly by while the future the youth stand to inherit is poisoned. The direct impacts of lockouts can be seen in Sydney. NSW premier Mike Baird, lauded by our own Premier for his lockouts, said in a now infamous Facebook post that “assaults were down in the CBD by 60%”. This is...

Triggered Students Assault METALLICA, Prove Activism Is Dead

I swear to the Jesus I don’t believe in, can college students go just one day without ruining things for the rest of us? University of California Berkeley recently hosted an event featuring Metallica members Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield, Primus frontman and man who auditioned for Metallica Les Claypool, billionaire entrepreneur and philanthropist Marc Benioff, and some other people no one cares about. The talk, entitled ‘Front Row’, was meant for the panelists to discuss their individual creative processes and why the Bay Area is so conducive to said creativity. Unfortunately, good intentions were marred by misguided “activism” in a display that is becoming all too common on college campuses across America. Before I tell you what happened, allow me to clarify the United States’ stance on free speech, something that protestors often twist and take for granted. Yes, the First Amendment to the United States Constitution grants freedom of speech without repercussion. This means that the government cannot prosecute you for the words you say (with the notable exception of threats and things). However, the government maintains every right to prosecute you for how or when you say those words. If you are violent, disruptive, or disobeying the direct orders of a law enforcement official, you can shout “But mah freedums!” all you want; you’re still breaking the law. Now, onto the event itself. On March 2nd (the news broke on March 18th), UC Berkeley students rushed the stage at the ‘Front Row’ event. These students belonged to a group on campus called the Student Labor Committee, or SLC, who have a history of interrupting events. These...

EDDIE VEDDER, SHAKIRA, FLORENCE WELCH and TONI CHILDS to Form Supergroup, ‘The Goats’

Pearl Jam frontgoat, Eddie Vedder, has reportedly teamed up with fellow caprine vocalists Shakira, Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine fame, and Baba Yaga-lookalike, Toni Childs, to form supergroup THE GOATS. According to Vedder, the idea came about when all four happened to be grazing in the same garbage tip at the same time, went to eat the same tin can, and the resultant braying manifested into a four-part acapella version of ‘Even Flow’. It seems like the quartet aren’t wasting any time, either. IPHYB can exclusively reveal that the footwear-feeding foursome’s debut album, Bray For Mercy, has already been completed, and will be released in early May. “We really just wanted to bring out the beauty *BLEAT* of our collective voices. It sounded so beautiful out in the open, rancid air of the tip, that we *BLEAT* absolutely had to see how it sounded in studio. We also decided to just keep it a capella, so that the true qualities of our braying would come out in the mix”, said Welch, as she munched distractedly on her straw hat, before casually urinating mid-sentence. “It was truly a transcendent experience, and that definitely came through in the final product.” Silly Eddie, goats can’t play the keyboard The Goats enlisted the services of gun producer, Brendan O’Brien, who is of course well known for his engineering and mixing on several Pearl Jam records, including Vs., Vitalogy and No Code. O’Brien unsuccessfully lobbied to have his production credit removed from 2013’s Lightning Bolt, although Lifehouse’s Stanley Climbfall is arguably the more unsightly blemish on his report-card. He had this to...

Iron Maiden: A Grim Prognosis with Dr. Judy Bloom

Written by Dr. Judy Bloom Because of the environment of political correctness and tolerance which exists on the internet, you probably haven’t been told this, but if you like Iron Maiden, you are a fucking moron. I don’t mean that in the playfully insulting way it’s commonly used. I mean it in the tragic way Faulkner meant it when he imagined Benjy in The Sound and The Fury. It’s probably not your fault, though. Many parents infected with gonorrhoea and syphilis pass it onto their children without letting them know. Being born with a venereal disease can cause your IQ to be 30 to 40 points lower than your average chicken pot-pie. Mother nature can be a bitch. The world is a cold, hard place for those genetically condemned to a life of stupidity. You could probably console yourself with the idea that when almost anybody looks at your space on the proverbial bell curve, they feel better about themselves. But, you probably have no fucking idea what a bell curve is. Because you love Iron Maiden. I’ve never met an Iron Maiden fan who was very bright. The world needs janitors too, I get that. But, these fucking fans are like rabbits. You cut off one of their heads and two grow in their place. They go on and on about the brilliance of their albums as if Steve Harris was the first guy to pasteurize milk. Meanwhile, the songs are nothing more than formulaic recitations of Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals with a few spooky ideas stolen out of c-level Roger Corman scripts. The band has been putting...

IPHYB Choice Cuts: Top Five Cask Wines w/ Alex from COLUMBUS

Not to be confused with the scurvy-ridden dickweed who discovered the dumbest nation on earth, Brisbane’s COLUMBUS have enjoyed a booming start to 2016. Having recently signed with UNFD, we thought we’d ask frontman and guitarist, Alex Moses, about his five favourite cask wines, because we were unable to get a hold of Corey Taylor. 5. De Bortoli Premium Colombard Chardonnay Cask – 4L Coming in at number 5 is a reliable cask of Chardonnay with a box more fancy than the actual taste. The Dan Murphy’s website boasted six 5-star reviews on this cask wine, the reason being this popular sack of white goon tastes pretty good for wine which comes in a silver bag. The downside, however, if I’m going to be honest (hehe), is that the 4L sack comes in at a whopping $16.49 each, which is a little high for the average musician or student goon budget. Since it’s stocked in pretty much all bottle-o’s big or small though, I’d be reaching for the De Bortoli only in a time of great urgency and need (break cardboard in case of emergency). 4. Sunnyvale Fruity Lexia – 4L Sunnyvale’s Fruity Lexia was a popular choice in my early uni days. Weighing in with 30 standard drinks at a mere $10.99 per cask, the value for money is hard to beat. Fruity Lexia has a reputation for being overly sweet and fruity, and the Sunnyvale line lives up to this hype. The golden recipe for consuming this bag of joy is an 80/20 mix with your favourite fruity soft drink (Solo and Agrum were my go-to’s). The...

10 More Bands That Are Shit and Boring

If you would like to support independent, creative writing, why not support us on Patreon! Righto, dickheads, it’s that time again. That time where I go through our literal hundreds of submissions and pick out ten songs that are either shit, boring, generic, or a combination of the three. I’m actually seriously surprised that after a solid two and a bit years of shredding shit bands mercilessly, people still have the gall to submit utter dross like this. By surprised, I mean delighted, of course. Without terrible bands, good bands wouldn’t look quite so shiny in comparison, so here’s to everyone who is in a terrible band. We’ve all been that guy or girl, and shit bands are what makes the world go round. Well, maybe not quite, but they are good for a joke or six at their expense. Enjoy! 1. Delincuente – Langsam Folter Oi sick, cheers for the epilepsy warning. One small problem. You probably should have warned us about the AIDS transmission risk because I feel like that is of far more imminent danger. I seriously cannot believe that this shit exists in 2016. I’m gobsmacked. If you took old mate Til Lindemann from Rammstein, forced him to bang a juggalette, and then starved the baby of oxygen for a while, this would be the inevitable result. Incredible. 2. Via The Verge – Monarch On the face of it, this seems like it should be a good song…until you actually analyse the individual parts. What a clusterfuck, and it’s a real shame, because it COULD have been a good song. Instead, it’s a jumble of...