Articles

METAL IS FOR BALD: Part 1

If the content of any given music blog with the word ‘metal’ in the title is anything to go by, old guys in old metal bands always have something to say. Sure, many famous musicians of all genres are constantly given more than enough rope by journalists around the world, in order to feed their insatiable journalistic desire for quotes which they can take out of context for hits on their blogs, but it seems that old metal guys shout the loudest of them all. The most peculiar thing about this phenomenon is that, aside from the lusciously locked Dave Mustaine, it seems that there’s a direct and exclusive correlation between hair loss and not being able to shut the fuck up. Indeed, the further the hairline recedes, the bigger the mouth appears to be. Now, I personally don’t give a shit about anything that these out of touch cue balls have to say, but shit – motherfuckers keep reporting it, so somebody must be reading it. So whoever you are, and whatever your reason for obliterating your brain cells with chrome dome drivel may be; I’m here for you. As I’m sure you know, the sheer volume of articles about things that bald metal guys say/do is just too much for one person to keep track of. By the time you finish reading one article about the antics of one of these guitar toting toupee stands, another three will have been written. The solution? METAL IS FOR BALD: The quarterly article that gives you all the hairy details on every musically inclined barber’s dream, trimmed down into a...

IPHYBleacher: A WWE Wrestlemania 32 Review

This past weekend, the most exciting time of the year for the often mocked wrestling fans rolled around. I’m talking about the Grand Daddy of Them All, The Show of All Shows, WWE’s Superbowl … WRESTLEMANIA weekend! The 32nd annual Wrestlemania event took place at the AT&T Stadium in Dallas, Texas, to a record-breaking, exaggerated 101,763 people. It was also the first Wrestlemania available for free on the WWE Network, their alternative to Netflix, so of course they reminded all you pay-per-view buyers how big of idiots you are. Wrestlemania had a lot of trouble this year, and one of the biggest reasons for that was how many injuries they had leading up to the event. WWE’s real money-drawers such as ex-WWE Champion Seth Rollins, Sting, Cesaro, and even their poster-child, John Cena. This changed the booking of the event and things which lead up to it greatly. But, we were still given a decent card, featuring matches such as Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose in a street fight, a triple-threat match for the Divas Championship, and a Hell In A Cell match between The Undertaker and the returning prodigal son, Shane McMahon. Other than that, WWE are dealing with their chosen top good guy, Roman Reigns, failing to get over with the audience for the second year in a row, and the NXT roster basically saying “good luck topping this” with their own incredible event two nights before Wrestlemania. Seriously, watch NXT: Takeover Dallas. This is what Wrestlemania had to follow. But did this stacked card live up to its hype? Continue reading and you will find out, as I,...

Five Amazing Albums By Otherwise Terrible Bands

There are some sad facts of life. Cows and pigs, for example, are extremely intelligent animals that experience a wide range of emotions, but they’re delicious. I don’t know if you’ve ever looked at a cow right at its big, fat head, but it’s a harrowing experience. Their eyes are deep, like a galaxy of pain and sadness. We still eat them, which at a fundamental level really is a bit daft, but with fascist organisations like PETA running around murdering strays and making videos about how eating chicken will make your baby have a tiny doodle (seriously, that happened), then you have to step up and do your part. Another sad truth of life is one-album wonders. Some bands really are only built for one good release. They either hit their peak with their debut and spend the rest of their careers trying to regain the glory, or around their third or fourth album, they finally hit the mark they’ve been desperately trying to reach the entire time, only to descend into mediocrity with subsequent releases. You certainly can’t blame bands for staying alive, though – it’s hard to let go of a dream, especially when bound by bad decisions, like five album contracts with Sony as is the case with Bullet For My Valentine. The bands forever say that their next album will be ‘the one’ and more often than not, it’s just ‘one’ more shithouse album that should have gone in the bin. The list is obviously massive, so here’s five (and one bonus) to start with. Escape The Fate – Dying Is Your Latest Fashion...

POLARIS The Guilt & The Grief Australian Tour 2016 w/ I, VALIANCE + JUSTICE FOR THE DAMNED

Sydney metalcore act POLARIS have had a whirlwind 2016. With the release of their breakthrough album The Guilt & The Grief at the beginning of of February and multiple tours across the country, the young whippersnappers have solidified their place as one ofthe most promising new Australian bands in the heavy scene. IPHYB are excited to announce we’re teaming up with DESTROY ALL LINES to present POLARIS: The Guilt & The Grief Australian Tour 2016, supported by pals I, VALIANCE and JUSTICE FOR THE DAMNED. The banging tour will see the lads play a slew of All Ages shows for loyal fans across the country, kicking off May 20th in Adelaide. February’s release of The Guilt & The Grief saw Polaris debut at no. 34 and no. 11 on the ARIA Album charts and Australian Artist charts respectively, as well as hitting the #1 spot on iTunes Rock & Metal charts. Supports I, Valiance and Justice For The Damned have both solidified themselves as true Aussie legends, with I, Valiance having just released their first single with new vocalist Simon Kuiper, and Justice For The Damned dropping their new track Deep Rotting Fear a few weeks ago. POLARIS The Guilt & The Grief Australian Tour 2016 supported by I, VALIANCE + JUSTICE FOR THE DAMNED Friday 20th May Enigma Bar, Adelaide – AA Sunday 22nd May Wrangler Studios, Melbourne – AA Friday 27th May Drone, Newcastle – AA Saturday, 28th May The Lab, Brisbane – AA Sunday, 29th May Red Rattler, Sydney – AA CLICK HERE FOR FACEBOOK EVENT: http://bit.ly/16tgtgFB For more information, go to...

IPHYB Choice Cuts: Top Five Video Game Bosses w/ Mark Poida (AVERSIONS CROWN)

AVERSIONS CROWN have made a name for themselves amongst the deathcore faithful, with a consistent output of sack-droppingly heavy tunes with more shred than a gym full of creatine junkies. With sort-of new vocalist Mark Poida possessing possibly the largest lungs and mouth in Australia, they are set to move from strength to guttural strength in the near future. Poida also happens to be an avid gamer, so we asked him to walk us through his top five video game bosses of all time. Aversions Crown are headlining I PROBABLY HATE YOUR FEST on April 30 at The Brightside in Brisbane, so make sure to grab your tickets below. 5. Baron (League Of Legends) Ever been in a race against time? Well, that’s essentially all there is to this particular boss fight, except you have to do it in a team format, and the opposing team can steal the boss kill and be rewarded the mad sick buff for being petty little kill-stealers. This one is a cunt, and it’s easily the most hectic ten seconds of one’s life – I’ve punched the keyboard more than once on this one. 4.Spider lady (The Evil Within) Coming in as no. 4 on this list is the infamous Spider Lady from The Evil Within. This shit can just get fucked on so many levels, the game alone is terrifying and being chased by some crazy spider bitch screaming at you and having to lead her into a furnace just to kill her is way too intense – I experienced many bowel movements during this boss fight and throughout the entire game,...

Mistakes That Made It Onto The Record

Recently, while partaking in my daily routine of arguing with strangers on the internet, I learned a very disturbing fact about modern day recording. This may not come as a shock to most of you, but apparently it’s becoming increasingly common for some bands to record their instruments one note at a time, after which they’ll program each note into the desired pattern to achieve a completely robotic, ‘perfect’ sound that can never be replicated live. After an hour or two of calling the musicians in question on their floggery from behind my computer screen in the safety of my parents’ basement, I got to thinking. Rock based music has never been about perfection. Some of the greatest albums of all time are ‘warts and all’ affairs, with human error a-plenty, perhaps due to time constraints, budget, production fuck ups, or simply not giving enough of a fuck to play that guitar solo fifty six times in a row to get it right. Personally, I love the mistakes. It gives the music character, and I don’t believe that some of these songs would be quite the same without them. The mistakes are what makes a record actually sound like a band playing songs, and not a computer sequencing your meticulously tweaked single notes. So I’m going to write about the fuck ups, because it’s interesting and there are some cool stories in there too. Here are a few examples of some of my favourite mistakes, incidental sounds and goofs that made it into the mix. The Rolling Stones – Gimme Shelter When The Rolling Stones were putting the final...

Gotta Go Fast: Fast Music, Fast Round-Up

The last couple of months have been pretty top notch for brand new fast stuff. From hardcore, to powerviolence, to fastcore, grind and thrash, 2016 has been good to us so far. Just in case you haven’t been paying attention, here’s a quick roundup of some of the better releases thus far. DISINTEGRATOR – Extreme Mutations FFO: Municipal Waste, Iron Reagan, Lich King, SSS After five years of existence, Sydney based crossover quartet DISINTEGRATOR have finally unleashed their long awaited debut album, Extreme Mutations which is now available for streaming/download and purchase in a variety of crazy thrash colours. ROTTEN SOUND – Abuse To Suffer FFO: Nasum, Magrudergrind, NAILS, Napalm Death Abuse To Suffer, the absolutely relentless new offering from the Finnish HM2 stomping grindcore veterans is now available through Seasons Of Mist or via Rotten Sound’s bandcamp page. ACxDC/DISPARO – Split 7″ FFO: Spazz, Despise You, Weekend Nachos, Infest Los Angeles grindviolence veterans Antichrist Demoncore have teamed up with Australian fastcore quartet, Disparo for the latest in a series of split 7″ records set for release throughout 2016. The record now available for streaming/download or for purchase through Noisebleed Records and Here And Now Records. GADGET – The Great Destroyer FFO: Rotten Sound, Nasum, Phobia, Napalm Death The first full length from the Swedish grinders in over ten years. Featuring what may just be one of Barney Greenway’s (Napalm Death) greatest vocal performances. CURSED EARTH – Enslaved By The Insignificant FFO: NAILS, Trap Them, All Pigs Must Die A collection of remastered tracks, plus two new cuts from Perth’s most promising new NAILS clones out now on Death’s...

IPHYB Presents: I PROBABLY HATE YOUR FEST @ The Brightside, Saturday 30th April

Hello there flogs. It’s hard to fathom that when we launched this shitty website almost two years to the day we would be holding our very own event with some top-tier bands, but here we are. I Probably Hate Your Band is stoked to be teaming up with iconic Brisbane venue The Brightside for the first ever I PROBABLY HATE YOUR FEST. We’re proud to present an absolute banger of a lineup, with AVERSIONS CROWN, THE NAME OF A GHOST, IN ASHES WE LIE, ABSOLUTION and APATE. So if you’ve ever wondered just how big of a fuckwit you’d have to be to run a website dedicated to shitting on poor, defenseless bands, come to The Brightside on April 30th. We’ll be there with bells on, ready to have a great time with some sick bands, comedy roasts during changeovers, and some dank giveaways and competitions! We’ll also be launching a competition for IPHYFest, so make sure to snap up your ticket to go into the draw to win some cool IPHYB merch and some other 5/7 prizes (More on this tomorrow) I PROBABLY HATE YOUR FEST 2016 AVERSIONS CROWN THE NAME OF A GHOST IN ASHES WE LIE ABSOLUTION APATE TICKETS ON SALE NOW! THEBRIGHTSIDEBRISBANE.OZTIX.COM.AU THE BRIGHTSIDE BRISBANE – DOORS FROM 7PM 27 WARNER STREET, FORTITUDE VALLEY BRISBANE 18+ only. Management reserves the right to refuse...

IPHYB Reheated Beef: A Week in Recap #4

It’s that time again, scumlords and ladies! This week was a bit of a slow one on the news front, but there was more than enough beef to make up for it. It appears some people’s egos are so very fragile that they feel the need to lash out personally when anyone says anything nasty about their music. And so, last week when I posted the latest 10 bands article, one of the bands got so very ass-frustrated that they saw fit to post my personal details, and then make some pretty average insinuations about me. Now, bear in mind, these people submitted their music to a website called “I Probably Hate Your Band”. Bear in mind, also, that we actually have a full FAQ section that addresses exactly the kind of thing that happened to them. And, not content with calling me out publicly, and attacking me personally, the drummer even decided to inbox me, alluded that he is also in a much bigger deathcore band – notable for being number 11 on everyone’s top 10 favourite deathcore bands – and proceeded to assure me that he would tell everyone about IPHYB, presumably in a negative way. Now, setting aside the fact that this basically would amount to him saying to his label mates, “those nasty IPHYB fellows said bad things about my music on the internet!!!”, he was also seemingly incapable of differentiating between a personal attack, and glib statements made about someone’s art. I mean, it’s a good thing I have broad shoulders or whatever, but I can’t help but think this is pretty much a...