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5 Things I Learnt Blogging About Music

No, don’t look furtively at your URL, this isn’t Cracked. I’ve been thinking a lot recently, and the times that haven’t resulted in a brain contusion have mostly centred around my role in the music industry, for better or worse. That role is fairly minuscule, in all honesty, and yet I am still bombarded on a regular basis by people desperate to get someone to pay attention to their music. This is obviously very tiring, and with that in mind, I got to thinking about other interesting things that happen when you become immersed in the music industry, particularly at a local level. So without further ado, here is a bunch of things that happen when you start a mildly successful music blog. Enjoy, and if any of these things apply to you, or you have been guilty of them in the past, yes, I do mean offence by it. Cheers. 5. People Will Suck Up Your Arse Sure, I have a huge, totally justified ego, but even I have a limit. One of the things that never ceases to amaze me, is the sheer amount of people who will add you, inbox you, comment on everything you post, blow smoke up your asshole, and pretty much give you virtual sloppy blowjobs online, all in the hopes that when it comes time to review their band, we’ll be nice. The best part is that it never works because we have a rule where we aren’t allowed to review bands that we have a personal/professional relationship or familiarity with, as it screws with your ability to remain impartial. In a...

I Sent My Dad to Review the New ALTER BRIDGE Album

July 6th, 2016. Just three weeks earlier, the city of Orlando, Florida was rocked by the worst mass shooting the history of the United States. The theme park capital of the world was understandably and undeniably glum. People needed an excuse to cut loose, to smile, to put the bloodshed behind them- and hometown heroes Alter Bridge stepped up to the plate. Although the band is not releasing their new album until October, they decided to host an exclusive listening party and performance for a very select number of fans. Of course, I Probably Hate Your Band was on hand for the festivities, but not in the way you might think. Okay, we were there in the exact way you might think, because we spoiled it in the title. My father likes to jokingly refer to himself as “Alter Bridge’s oldest fan”, which demonstrates that he doesn’t quite grasp the concept of dad rock. He’s very proud of his virtually encyclopedic knowledge of their catalogue, which he culminated (and celebrates) by blasting it through the house at every opportunity. He would probably go gay for Mark Tremonti, and who would blame him? Well, the guy who committed the aforementioned mass shooting probably would, but that’s neither here nor there. As you’ve probably gathered, he bought a ticket to this event, and thanks to his rabid fandom, he was the perfect candidate to cover it for us (no press was allowed- we checked). Although devoid of any journalism knowledge or experience, his experience as a lawyer has cultivated a strong memory, so this account is based on an interview I...

IPHYB Choice Cuts: BLACK RHENO’s 5 Favourite Male Tits In Australian Music

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Choice Cuts article on IPHYB. The last time was when Mark Poida from Aversions Crown shared his Top 5 Video Game Bosses. I’m one of those nerds who like Top 5 lists, so I asked Sydney sludge/groove metal band Black Rheno to do a list on a topic of their choosing, and I certainly didn’t expect them to write about the best male tits in Australian music. Black Rheno uploaded ‘No Time For Numb Nuts’ – the first single from their upcoming EP Let’s Start A Cult – to their Bandcamp page last month, which you can download for $1. The band also kicked off an East Coast tour for that song last weekend in Sydney. You can check out the rest of their tour dates at the bottom of this article, but for now, you can awkwardly look at photos and read an article on Aussie rock’n’roll’s finest male tits. 5. Ezekiel Ox (Full Scale, Over Reactor, Mammal) This nu-metal motherfucker has been getting his hairy little puppies out on stages around Australia and abroad for many moons now, and truly does it like it “ain’t no thang”. If you’ve seen him on stage, you’ve seen his titties, as he struts across in a style somewhere between Henry Rollins, Mick Jagger and Swan Lake. But what a titty it is! Song: Over Reactor – Mouth Of The Ghetto 4. Peter “Blackie” Black (The Hard-Ons) Now there’s a little titty that been working its hot stuff since the early ’80s and is still getting its sweat on, Blackie’s left nipple knows no boundaries, and is something one can draw inspiration from as they’re peering through a vortex into the...

IPHYB Music Discussion Presents: Behind The Lyrics

So as some of you may know, we have a fully sick music discussion group, in which we basically just talk smack and shitpost all day. Feel free to join, and you too could be a part of such thrilling threads as this; Behind the Lyrics. The premise was simple: tell the true lyrical content of a song, based on its title. In this article, I have compiled the best entries for your reading pleasure. Enjoy! Pearl Jam – Even Flow A song about a woman achieving perfectly symmetrical menstrual blotting on her pads. Mr Bungle – My Ass Is On Fire A song about burning down one’s barn. Being As An Ocean – Nothing, Save The Power They’re Given A song about solar power, and the replacement of fossil fuels. Thy Art Is Murder – Holy War A jihadist preaches for infidels to join Islam The Beatles – Come Together This song is about the Navy hazing practice known as “soggy biscuit”, in which everyone stands around a biscuit jerking off, and the last person to blow their load onto the biscuit has to eat it. This song advocates an egalitarian approach, whereby everyone helps their neighbour to achieve orgasm simultaneously, thus resulting in a tied game. Also, an unconsumed biscuit. INXS – Tight This is a song about a particularly obdurate nut, which the protagonist is having extreme difficulty loosening. He’s tried several different shifters and wrenches, but just can’t seem to get that nut undone. Suicide Silence – Unanswered The tale of a dude waiting for his dealer to text him back Slipknot – The Negative...

IPHYB Recommends: A Bunch Of Bands That Aren’t Shit

G’day, dickheads. I’m sure you’re all aware that we here at IPHYB have objectively flawless musical taste, so we thought that we’d have a dig around and give you a list of a bunch of bands that are fucking siiiick. Not quite as fucking siiiick as, perhaps, a fully siiiiick wolf tattoo or something, but still pretty zazz regardless. Now, most of these are Australian, and that’s just something you’ll have to deal with, because Australians are objectively the best musicians, best-looking people, and have the largest penisia in the world. Fact. Deal with it, everyone else. DriveTime Commute If you like math, Melbourne, gimp masks, rabbit onesies, impish frontmen that royally fuck shit up live, quality tunes, or any combination of the above, you’ll love DriveTime Commute. For fans of Norma Jean, The Chariot, Converge, and going absolutely batshit crazy live…so yeah, those aforementioned bands, really. Listen HERE ZILF Sure, they aren’t Aussie, but they are poms, so whatever. Either way, holy fucking hell this is some dank shit. Experimental, and addictive. An eclectic blend of seemingly diametrically opposed ideas, that somehow come together to produce an enthralling listen from start to finish. Fantastic. For fans of Mr. Bungle, but with some decidedly more chaotic elements, and even some heavy as fuck shit thrown in for good measure. Think SikTh, but less djenty. Listen HERE Dead Teach The Living These crazy sons of bitches are from New Zealand, land of the chilly bin, jandals, judder bar, and various other hilariously daftly named things. So by this point you can more or less ignore my intro paragraph about most...

20 Song Lyrics That Are Bad And Stuff

Sometimes lyrics resonate with us on such a fundamentally personal level that you could swear to Christ that the song(s) was written about your exact life and experiences. I’ve been there, and you probably have too. But, other times you hear song lyrics and just think, ‘Uh, yeah, sure … why not?’, and then there are others where you just shake your head and cringe harder than if you were watching a Bryan Stars music video. So, we did some digging and compiled together a list of 20 songs with lyrics which range from the just plain silly to downright confusing, to misheard crackers and complete shite, and quite frankly, the writers of some of these songs mentioned here should be charged as war criminals. Or at least should’ve gotten a message from the lyric police. So, let’s begin… 20. TRANSIT – Bright Lights, Dark Shadows “Can you mask the pain if you don’t believe in it?” Now, to be fair, that isn’t a “bad” lyric per se, it’s just how vocalist Joe Boynton sings it, as it sounds like he says “Can you masturbate if you don’t believe in it?” That’s why it comes in last place. Don’t believe me? Play the song below and find out for yourself. I have no clue how the band or their producer/engineer did not hear that in the studio when recording it and think maybe they should try some other takes or lines? Anyway, it’s a good song, and good God do I miss this band. 19. BODY COUNT – Institutionalized “Do you understand that pork can kill you? / Look...

Short Stories Inspired By Songs: Garth Brooks – ‘The Thunder Rolls’

The next story in our series is based on Garth Brooks‘ classic ‘The Thunder Rolls’. As usual, we have embedded the song at the bottom of the post, in case you happen to unfamiliar with it. Leave us song suggestions in the comments, and we might just write a short story inspired by it! The Thunder Rolls It’s three-thirty in the morning, and the thunder provides a booming beat for tendrils of supercharged negative particles to dance with the positively charged earth beneath it. Not a soul, mortal or otherwise, can be found for miles around. Rain pounds the window, trying in vain to force an entry into the warm interior of her home, as she sits by the phone. She sits and waits, praying that there is no call, hoping against hope that her husband has just been slowed by the inclement weather. People die on wet roads all the time, she thinks to herself. As the thunder rolls, her mind flits through a thousand different scenarios, all explaining why her husband isn’t home yet. He had promised that he’d be home by eleven at the latest, yet here it was four-and-a-half hours later, still not the faintest trace of the man she had wed twelve years ago in the fall. It was a perfect ceremony, to compliment what was a perfect courtship, and relationship. Or so she had thought. It wasn’t long before cracks began to appear, not unlike hairline fissures beginning to form in fine bone china. It had started with small things, as often happens with larger problems. Like a tiny snowball rolling down a...

Short Stories Inspired By Songs: Nothing More – ‘Jenny’

So I thought it would be a cool idea to take a few songs with story-rich lyrics/themes, and elaborate on those themes in the form of a series of short stories. These are intended to be based around the source material, not necessarily a direct representation of them, so bear that in mind when reading. Enjoy, and if you have any songs you would like to see made into a short story, leave them in the comments. Cheers. Jenny Jenny sits on a grey stool in her bathroom. A dim lightbulb flickers forlornly overhead, as it casts its meagre rays begrudgingly against the walls. Dust and soap scum wage war upon one another in a perpetual battle for territory where the bathtub adjoins the wall, the no-man’s-land of the tub itself contrasting harshly with the filth above it. Orange pill bottles adorn the floor, the vanity. Oh, the humanity. Such a shame, a waste. She balances a razor blade between scarred, once-broken fingers. Deftly, she flicks the tender blade from digit to digit, daring it to kiss her bitter flesh. Blood won’t corrode stainless steel. The acidity is repulsed by the alloy, it retains its sheen even after the most horrific drenchings. Blood oxidises when it hits the air, changing from burgundy to scarlet. That scarlet hue looks depressingly beautiful against the argentous dazzle of the steel. A dichotomy of biology and mechanism, a meeting of the organic and inorganic. She looks up into the pathetic light, and her pupils refuse to dilate any further. Opioids supress the tide of her misery, and drag her, unwillingly, through the next...

PREPARED LIKE A BRIDE Need Money, Grab For Said Money With Potential ‘Tour’

You know what? I’m not going to approach this even remotely professionally, because I’m fucking pissed off, and I’m sick of Ryan Bowles and his troupe of ring-ins continuing to flog a horse that is more dead than my great Uncle Francis, who simultaneously shot, stabbed, hung, electrocuted, and poisoned himself one fateful day in 1874. There is so much fucking wrong with this, I hardly know where to start, and I’m so blinded with rage that my overwhelming impulse is to just film a video of me yelling profanity at my filth-encrusted laptop screen and be done with it. But I’m going to attempt to channel my fury, and point out all of the many reasons that this is a fucking cash grab and little else, and that you shouldn’t support it in any way, shape or form. I’m also going to give them the courtesy of leaving their religion out of this, because it isn’t relevant. I’ve seen a lot of Christian bashing in relation to them, and whilst I love a good dig at Bible-bashers as much as the next guy, it’s not called for here. So sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up, and listen. Or read. Whatever, I’m still really angry. First of all, let’s establish that Poor Like A Beggar haven’t even been gone long enough for us to look past their litany of flaws, and remember them through rose-coloured glasses. They broke up a year ago, much to the joy of people with working ears and cerebral cortices, and no sooner had the filth started to collect on the proverbial grave,...