Hi there, you utter cretins (read: people who read IPHYB on the reg)! This week, we enjoyed a couple of new subscribers to our Patreon service, with our sponsor count now up to 15. This may not seem like much, but it is a huge show of faith in IPHYB that we greatly appreciate as a collective. Some of our patrons have been on board for nearly two years now, which is an amazing, humbling thing for us. If you would like to help support us, and further the cause of a 100% independent media outlet that gives you literally minutes of entertaining content, then please head to our Patreon page. Think of it as an incredibly cheap subscription, where every dollar pledged helps us deliver an improved product to you, the readers. To put it into perspective, if all of our regular readers were to pledge just $1 per month, we would be able to do this full time, pay our contributors per word, put out an annual physical media product, and much more! We have a lot of plans, but these will only realistically come to fruition with your continued support as readers, and potential subscribers. Of course, if you want to continue on without pledging, that’s totally fine with us too! We aren’t holding our content at ransom, purely describing our goals and limitations realistically.
We also had some supreme banter on our hands this week, most notably about our treatment of Courtney Barnett. The gist of it was basically that we apparently aren’t allowed to pass comment about her hair, because we wouldn’t do it to a male. When it was made clear that we absolutely DO pay out on men’s hair with an equal fervour, we then we were told that it’s okay to do that because it doesn’t impact on a male’s career. We, of course, were obliged to point out that that would constitute unequal treatment, and that isn’t at all what equality was about, to which we were cussed out for ‘bringing down women in the industry’. Now, let me make this unequivocally clear to all reading this. We do not discriminate. Yes, we absolutely do poke fun at people like Courtney Barnett, but that isn’t because she is a woman. It is because she is an incredibly boring artist, who’s popularity is totally mystifying. If anything, we are harsher on male artists, because no one will ever accuse us of being sexist for attacking the physical appearance of a male artist, which should give you some idea as to how ridiculous gender politics has become, in today’s uber-sensitive culture of offense and victimhood. You are absolutely entitled to get offended about things we say, but please don’t think we actually care, or that we are going to change our approach any time soon. PROTIP: We aren’t. Cheers.
Huge week for new releases! We had a new Architectssong, A Day To Remember angered fans of Stick To Your Guns by allegedly ripping off ‘What Choice Did You Give Us?’, and Killswitch Engage streamed their entire new albumIncarnate, which is easily their best effort since As Daylight Dies at the very least. Polyphia have also done the same with new albumRenaissance, which kind of sounds like what you would expect a group of incredibly young virtuoso musicians to sound like if they were pitching for an advertising contract with Pantene. Oh, and Flogging Molly have also dropped a new track, so that’s probably important too.
Cringe of the week
I’m sincerely sorry for what you’re about to watch. In doing his part to push Clean Up Australia, which is clearly a great cause, Cody Partington has unwittingly blessed us with this parody of Justin Bieber’s song ‘Sorry’. It is a couple minutes and change of pure, unadulterated viewing pleasure and/or second hand embarrassment. If you can a) get through this, and b) go back for seconds, you are a far braver man than I, and I doff my cap to you in adoration. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
On the plus side, I came across this mint mash-up of Polyphia’s track ‘Nightmare’, and The Weeknd’s banger ‘The Hills’. It’s so fucking good, I swear that Polyphia actually wrote ‘Nightmare’ for this very purpose, and I totally wouldn’t at all be mad to see Abel join everyone’s favourite hair and hand models as a full time member. Check it out, and tell me it isn’t the greatest mash-up ever.
Comments/Savagery of the Week
Confucious say: Man with dumb name shouldn’t talk smack.
One-two punch on our article about Prince being metal as fuck.
Damien nails this observation on our Mac Miller post. We only made a website to be self-righteous twats, so this is bang on the money.
Mr Brown with the goods again. We pissed off some chick earlier in the week by making a comment about Courtney Barnett’s hair, so old mate Rich cuts out the middle man instead.
Steven Lewis comment of the Week
Steve is probably our most dedicated reader, and for that he gets his own segment. Dude is a straight up legend, and never fails to brighten our day. You fucking rule, Steven!
The signature Steven Lewis line. The original, and the best. Never change, Steven.
Most Controversial Topic of the Week
US punk rockers Better Off generated a small amount of controversy this week, by virtue of dropping off a tour with Mayday Parade and The Maine, after their fill-in bassist was accused of sexual assault. I just want to state first of all, that this should have garnered far more attention than it did, and there’s a few reasons why. First of all, this seems to be a fairly open and shut case, as far as sexual assault allegations go. The alleged victim Kayla ‘Foxie’ Phillips of powerviolence act Bleed The Pigs, penned a lengthy statement via her Facebook account, in which she states:
David Hobbs sexually assaulted me on tour in August 2015 in Orlando, FL. He knows he did this. Multiple people know. There is absolutely no he said she said. He can’t deny it. There’s proof in multiple forms. He sexually assaulted me the exact same way he knew I was molested as a child. I woke up in the middle of the night to the assault.
Adding to this, the fact that Hobbs subsequently acted very much the guilty party, by blocking Phillips from all forms of contact, and attempting to pretend as though nothing happened at all.
Better Half for their part, have gone for solidarity in the face of fairly damning evidence, which is a dangerous route to tread. Sexual assault is obviously an incredibly serious issue, and the fact that the band seem to be so openly siding with the accused bodes ill for their future. It is probably a good thing that they have subsequently announced an indefinite hiatus, as their reluctance to deal with such a sensitive issue with anything approaching humility or empathy, isn’t particularly endearing to anyone. Of course, to Phillips, this is far more than a point of contention. If indeed the assault did occur, we hope that she gets all the support she needs to heal. If you, or someone you know ever needs help in an abusive relationship, or as a result of sexual assault, we urge you to contact the authorities and get the help that you need. Look after yourselves, fam.
This week’s question comes courtesy of Sam Dishington, AKA Disho Von Beer. He writes:
What would you do if approached by a part unicorn, part duck, part walrus type creature handing out pamphlets containing all sorts of information on chicken nuggets, but no information about where to buy said nuggets?
Worth mentioning, the creature is probably wearing those shiny Wu Tang jeans from the 90s. Do what you will with that information.
This is quite a difficult question, so let’s break it down. First of all, we all know that unicorns aren’t real. They’re like hen’s teeth, or dolphins, or good musicians in beatdown bands. Supposing the creature we are left with is half duck/walrus, I would assume that nasty mutha would know exactly what he’s talking about re: quality of nuggets. You just know that jive-turkey is all over that nugget sitch, ya know? Especially if homeslice is rocking some fully sick Wu-Tang parachute jeans. Those bad boys are dank as all hell, and they give you a permanent +1 to Nugget Analysis, so you know that son-bitch is fully clued into that nugget game. The pamphlet is an easy one. All nuggets that are readily available in our fair country, are easily distinguishable on sight. If it is Maccas nugs, they are hell easy to obtain, ditto KFC’s delicious morsels of nuggetry. We all know that boutique nuggets are a myth, which leaves only two varieties in question. Hungry Jacks are sub-pleb tier, so we don’t need to know about them, and that leaves only the superior nugget: The mythical, justly-revered Red Rooster Cheesy Nugget. If you happen across these warlocks fam, then you are obliged by Australian law to purchase them and bask in their cheesy glory. And don’t you even think about only getting a four-pack, you soft cunt, you. You either get a minimum of an eight-pack, or live with the justified ridicule from your friends, peers and enemies alike. So basically, I think the moral of this story is that the lack of information isn’t much of a problem, and that your mother is quite promiscuous. Cheers.
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.