by Erised Iphyb
Gene Simmons has taken the unprecedented step of suing himself for tarnishing his own image, following his controversial comments after Robin Williams took his own life a few short weeks ago. “I just can’t believe Gene Simmons went and said those things! Didn’t Gene Simmons realise how much damage that would do to Gene Simmons’ image? Think of all the Kiss merchandise sales Gene Simmons has missed out on because of the insensitivity of Gene Simmons’ comments! As such I, Gene Simmons, have decided to sue Gene Simmons for the defamation of Gene Simmons’ character.” Gene reportedly informed Gene, that he was no longer made for loving Gene and that his Love Gun had been holstered until restitution is made.
Simmons is notoriously lawsuit happy. Included among the more notable suits filed: previously sued his mother for giving birth to his four siblings and thereby diluting the parental attention he recieved, separate lawsuits for each individual sibling, a civil action against his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather for being the originator of his nose, and (perhaps the most futile of all) a lawsuit against the sun for burning his pasty complexion instead of tanning it like everyone else, forcing him to resort to artificial tanning methods instead.
This legal debacle has understandably created tension between the aging rocker and himself, the inner turmoil leading Simmons to conclude that in the wake of his waning popularity the only answer is that rock itself must be dead. It seems that Simmons is totally incapable of envisioning a musical community devoid of his uncommon grace, humility and wit. The reality of course being that he is, in fact, devoid of said qualities. According to all reports, “rock” is continuing on as strong as ever, oblivious to it’s most egocentric star’s fading light.
The other members of Kiss were somewhat non-plussed at the public Gene-Gene spat. Paul Stanley and Ace Frehley were not available for comment, but our sources report that neither one of them was willing to step in to end the feud. Peter Criss was available for comment, but let’s face it, it’s Peter Criss. Literally no one cares what he has to say in the slightest. Not even Peter Criss. Not even Peter Criss’ best friend, Peter Criss. Watch this space for more news as the story develops.
*this article is clearly satire
Publisher at IPHYB
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.
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