is coming to our fair shores in March ’17, and the front row tickets will run you a princely … wait, no, scratch that, a lordly
$640 for VIP package #1, the ‘I’ll show you’ experience. Now, I want to preface what I’m about to write in this article by saying that Bieber is okay
. Sort of. Purpose
was a hard 6.5, maybe 7/10 tops, which in the context of his other releases, is probably equivalent to a 9/10. He’s not a particularly great singer, but I get the feeling that 99% of his fans aren’t too concerned with that, and probably don’t have much of a comparison metric to go on in the first place. In any case, if you are seriously considering dropping well over half a grand on this, I think it’s pretty fair to say you may not have fully explored your options re: what six-hundred-and-forty bones can get you, considering that the VIP package amounts to the following:
• One ticket to the exclusive JB Pit inside the stage
• One Premium Merchandise Pack created exclusively for Bkstg VIPs
• One Exclusive Commemorative Laminate
• Early Entry to the Venue
• On site concierge including exclusive VIP Cloaking to allow you to store your exclusive Merchandise Pack until the end of the show
• “I’ll Show You” VIP Pit Experience tickets can only be collected from the venue on the day of the event. No “I’ll Show You” VIP Pit Experience tickets will be sent out
So without further ado, allow me to outline a bunch of ways in which you will find much better value for your (many) dollars, rather than watching some jumped up schmuck with less talent than ego, from a distance that probably amounts to something in the region of $100 per metre. You can thank me later. Cheers.
1. A flight to Bali, accommodation, and a full hour of a hooker shitting directly in your mouth
A flight to Bali will probably run you a couple hundred. Accommodation kind of depends on your standards, but I’m willing to bet that if you are keen on paying a hooker to shit in your mouth, you aren’t going to be all that picky, so you might get away with it for $50. That leaves you with probably $400 or so left to splurge to your heart’s content, you can hand pick your hooker instead of relying on the budget options, hell, you can probably afford to splash out and get some nice candles and incense to really set the mood while they lay a respectable borry directly into your waiting pie-hole. As a handy coincidence, it will probably leave about the same taste in your mouth as if you had actually bought the tickets, and you have the added bonus of not having to tell people that you went to see Justin Bieber. #winning
2. A purebred Bichon Frise puppy, and assorted accessories
This one is a real easy grab, honestly. Last I checked, a purebred Bichon Frise will cost you about $5-$600, which leaves you plenty of spare cash to really pamper the shit out of your new friend. Bichon Frise pups are small, white, yappy, and insufferable, which is pretty much identical to the real life Justin Bieber, and you can even name the pupper after him for bonus points! Plus, there’s probably teenage girls, or even creepy, 40 year old dudes who would be more than happy to pay big money for a nice bag of fresh Justin Bieber excrement, just simply neglect to specify that it’s from his canine namesake, and you’re set to cash in! Gotta spend money to make money, pal.
3. A $640 bath and toaster combo
This one is pretty self-explanatory, really. You can pick up a solid, full sized bath for probably $300 at your local Bunnings, if you can claw yourself away from the sausage sizzle lineup, that is. That leaves you a good $300+ to really go to fucking town picking out the most pimped toaster you can find. And I’m not talking one of those pissy little two-slice fuckers that are pretty much pointless because as if you’re only going to eat two pieces of Vegemite on toast, no. With that kind of moolah, you can get yourself a fuck off, industrial-sized, nuclear powered bread annihilation machine that will grill you ten slices at once. And then, once you’ve bought those items, you can get nice and cosy, fill up your brand new tub, put on your favourite Bieber track, and drop that industrial bread annihilation machine right in there, and leave this world in style. As an added bonus, you won’t have to listen to Bieber’s nattering ever again, either.
4. Cash-out for toilet paper
This one is guaranteed to give you exactly the same satisfaction as if you had dropped six-forty on those VIP tix. The premise is simple: cash out $640 in notes, take a gigantic dump, and then use the money as toilet paper. If you’re really dedicated, you can even wash the notes off for re-use, but that would kind of be spoiling the symbolism, wouldn’t it? No, it’s much better if you just load up on Mexican, drop the deuce to end all deuces, and then make like J.D. Rockefeller and wipe your balloon knot with all dat sweet cash. You may feel a tear or two forming as you flush, but I promise that is just happiness. That, and probably rectal tearing from the Mexican.
5. A lounge-room performance from Shannon Noll himself
No, this isn’t a meme. I don’t give a shit that he lost the ’03 Australian Idol gong to Guy Sebastian, or whatever. Sebastian is way fucking better, and we all know it. The point is, if he’s still flogging his services to shithouse electrical companies for terribly edited TV ads, you can bet your sphincter that he would probably come and give you a private gig in the comfort of your very on living room for $640. Hell, if you chuck in an extra $20, he’ll probably do it in a mankini, and really, isn’t that what man has always wanted, since he first gazed up at that TV screen in ’03? Yes. Yes, it is.
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Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.
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