Pearl Jam frontgoat, Eddie Vedder, has reportedly teamed up with fellow caprine vocalists Shakira, Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine fame, and Baba Yaga-lookalike, Toni Childs, to form supergroup THE GOATS.
According to Vedder, the idea came about when all four happened to be grazing in the same garbage tip at the same time, went to eat the same tin can, and the resultant braying manifested into a four-part acapella version of ‘Even Flow’.
It seems like the quartet aren’t wasting any time, either. IPHYB can exclusively reveal that the footwear-feeding foursome’s debut album, Bray For Mercy, has already been completed, and will be released in early May. “We really just wanted to bring out the beauty *BLEAT* of our collective voices. It sounded so beautiful out in the open, rancid air of the tip, that we *BLEAT* absolutely had to see how it sounded in studio. We also decided to just keep it a capella, so that the true qualities of our braying would come out in the mix”, said Welch, as she munched distractedly on her straw hat, before casually urinating mid-sentence. “It was truly a transcendent experience, and that definitely came through in the final product.”
Silly Eddie, goats can’t play the keyboard
The Goats enlisted the services of gun producer, Brendan O’Brien, who is of course well known for his engineering and mixing on several Pearl Jam records, including Vs., Vitalogy and No Code. O’Brien unsuccessfully lobbied to have his production credit removed from 2013’s Lightning Bolt, although Lifehouse’s Stanley Climbfall is arguably the more unsightly blemish on his report-card. He had this to say on the trials and tribulations of working with four horned menaces in a confined recording studio:
“It was a goddamn nightmare! There was goat shit everywhere, they chewed up headphones, cables, a million-dollar mixing desk, you name it, they fucking chewed it! And the stink! I know I’m being paid well and all, but I actually insisted on an extra producer’s point as compensation because after being locked in a 10×10 box with four goats, I stunk like Madonna’s cooch after a backstage session in Melbourne. I’ve already fired my agent. I’m too famous for this shit. Did you know I produced Springsteen? Of course you did, I’m fucking famous, goddamn it. Still, at least they were more pleasant to work with than Andrew Stockdale, I guess. They had better personal hygiene, and better maintained hair too, come to think.”
It remains to be seen whether the supergroup will ever reach the lofty heights of their respective associated acts, but it seems the only way is up for The Goats. Tour offers are lining up already, with acts as diverse as Taylor Swift, System Of A Down and Miley Cyrus all expressing interest in taking the newly-formed troupe on the road. In addition to this, sources inside the OneDirection camp have indicated that Vedder is top of the list of candidates to replace erstwhile lead-hairman, Zayn Malik, whose vocal stylings aren’t even goat-like at all.
IPHYB contacted both Shakira and Toni Childs, but at time of writing, both attempts were fruitless. A representative for the Colombian superstar said she was “busy eating her clothes, to find out what’s underneath them”, whilst our attempts to reach Childs failed. In an unrelated matter, several children have gone missing from Myocum, New South Wales, where Childs has lived since 2012. There have been unconfirmed sightings of a “deformed, ferocious-looking woman with the voice of a mountain goat” with “a pestle in hand, astride a mortar, residing in a chicken-legged forest hut”, though this publication refuses to draw a causal link between this information and our inability to contact Childs. More as develops.
Publisher at IPHYB
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.
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