Wanna help us help support local music? Check out our Patreon!
Hot off the heels of his phenomenal Super Tuesday showing, winning seven of the eleven state primaries held on March 1st, presidential candidate and Mexican Public Enemy #1 Donald Trump proved that he never fails to shock.
Last week, he secured key endorsements from New Jersey governor Chris Krispy Kreme Christie and David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. This week, he revealed (to the surprise of no one) that he’s out of his mind. Then again, that isn’t hard to do when your mind belongs to someone else.
In front of an audience of stunned journalists in West Palm Beach, FL, Trump peeled off the prosthetic skin on his face, revealing himself to be Dave Mustaine.
“I can’t keep up this charade any longer,” the legendary Megadeth front man conceded. “I have to be honest with the American people.”
Mustaine revealed that the deception began back in 1991. Donald Trump was a real person, he explained, until he passed away under mysterious circumstances surrounding his divorce with his first wife, Ivana.
“Can you imagine how it would have looked for her?” Mustaine said. “She would’ve been framed for murder. She didn’t do it, of course, but she had to take precautions. So she called me up and asked if I could help pull a Paul McCartney.
“Oh yeah, and on that note, Paul McCartney’s dead, too. Just thought you should know.”
Mustaine was surprised no one caught on in the beginning. “Trump’s” hair suddenly switched from brown to blonde, and his business assets were forced to declare bankruptcy. The scheme nearly failed from the get-go.
“Sure, I have business management experience, but I’m not Ivy League educated,” he admitted. “Hell, I never went to college. So I had to call up my old friend Greg Graffin [of Bad Religion] and ask him to help out. Who better to get wrapped up in this crazy scheme than the smartest man in punk? He also wrote ‘The Art of Survival’ under Trump’s name that year, which was our little inside reference to what was going on.
“We’ve actually made several little references throughout the years. Think of the [Megadeth] albums Youthanasia and Risk. The next ‘Trump’ book was ‘The Art of the Comeback’. In 2011, 20 years after I first picked up the mantle of Trump, I straight-up tweeted about it.”
Trump’s my hero! He’s investigating Barry Soetoro aka Obama’s suspicious birth & school records. So glad someone’s finally doing something!
In order to prepare for public appearances, Mustaine puts on a fat suit, applies three hours of makeup to make him look 15 years older, and wears specially fitted shoes that increase his height by two inches. He achieves the trademark hairstyle by blow-drying his hair, then folding it and combing it forward on top of his head.
“It’s a painstaking process,” he said, “But it’s worth it. Politics isn’t much different from music- you’re guaranteed to sell if you can generate enough controversy.”
Mustaine explained that all of the views expressed by “Trump” are actually his own. While Mustaine is a noted conservative, he believed that running for office as himself would be dismissed as “another Ted Nugent; purposefully inflammatory but containing no substance.” By using the Trump moniker, he could be taken seriously.
“If ‘Trump’ was elected president and I hadn’t held this conference, yeah, I would’ve kept it a secret,” he said. “I don’t know what impact this reveal will have on the race, but I’ll be honest with you: I don’t think this will stop my eventual nomination. As ‘Trump’ said back in January, ‘I could shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.’ You can’t stump the Trump, and you can’t tame the Mustaine.”
At this time, several politicians are commenting on these developments, but who cares? They’re not Trump, so no one gives a shit.
Donald Trump Revealed to be Dave Mustaine in Fat Suit
Sam, also known by his colleagues as "Jewy Lewis and the News", has a booming voice that frightens the elderly and an innate need to inform everyone of his opinions about everything, whether they want to hear them or not. He is currently a student of Broadcast Journalism at the prestigious S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications at Syracuse University.