1. Kings Hollow – Herald
You know that things aren’t going to be pretty when the simple lead phrase intro is poorly tracked. Oh boy, what a stinker this is. Everyone remember It Dies Today? Remember how shit their screamer was? I’m willing to bet these guys do, because as soon as homeslice opens his mouth, you’ll probably instantly think of him, just like I did. Unlike IDT though, the music doesn’t make up for it in any way, shape or form. Next.
2. Valeria Warntz – I Don’t Love You Anymore
Holy shit, I fucking love broken English. Aside from this song being extremely boring, and the vocals sounding ever so slightly sharp for the whole first verse, and just being pretty fuckin’ average in general, the lyrics just put the icing on the poorly-made, inaccurately pronounced cake.
‘Why do you lie? It is so meanly.
It turned out that you have just played a wicked game.
You can’t deny, you’d never loved me.
So why did you spent time with me,what was your aim?’
‘But your actions just showed me reverse
And I felt the pain in my heart, it hurts.
Yeah, after a while this torment appeased.
But tell me please’
Brilliant. Just …fuck.
3. Sheol of Abaddon – Midnight Rape Train
Where to begin, that’s the real question here. Straight away we know that these guys are super evil because they have both Sheol and Abaddon in their title, despite ‘Hell of Fallen Angel King Dude’ not really making much sense. Sure, there is a fleeting biblical reference to Abaddon as a place, but even then, it requires a heavy suspension of disbelief. That being said, these guys are operating with an even greater suspension of disbelief because they seem to think that they can actually write and perform death metal. Spoiler: they can’t. The best part of this is the title, which at least has some authenticity to it, even if that authenticity is as a ninth-rate Cannibal Corpse parody. Terrible.
4. A Very Loud Death – Mary
It’s like a really shitty version of Queens Of The Stone Age‘s song ‘Go With The Flow’. It’s like they expected noone to notice. In the title, it has ‘re-mastered’ after it, and I’m so, so glad they did in fact re-master it, I really am. I mean think about how badly the world would be missing out if they hadn’t. The album title is hilarious though, so I’ll give them that. Actually, now that I think of it, old mate’s voice is about as appealing as castration. Huh.
5. Ignite The Sky – Norsefire
Fuck yeah, I’ve been genuinely upset at the lack of verb the noun bands lately. Some things will never cease to amaze me. For instance, why, even after I’ve seen the dog shit on the ground, I still somehow conspire to step in it. Or, for another example, how these likely lads listened to the spoken word parts of this song, and decided ‘yeah, fuck yeah lads. Well in, we’ve absolutely smashed this one!’. No. Just, no. This is just fucking awful, and the only thing worse than the song is the film clip. Oh, and the name. How could I forget that super distinctive, unique, not-generic-at-all name.
6. Royal 86 – Gillyweed
First of all, fuck you for using a Harry Potter reference. Second of all, fuck you for making music and then submitting it to us to review. And thirdly, most importantly, even, fuck you. Just fuck you. That’s all I have really because this is so fucking terrible I can barely think straight. Jesus wept.
7. Our Conquest – First Light
I want you guys to just close your eyes for a minute. Don’t watch the film clip, just close your eyes and listen. Hear that? That little, almost imperceptible noise? That, my friends, is the sounds of my eyeballs rolling so violently, you can hear them through the fabric of space and time. Bonus points if you guessed that the filmclip has the band playing on a white background, a hot chick, and the ocean. Also, lyrics have the ocean in them. Now, where have we heard that before? Beats me.
8. Mintygossips – Moonstone
This somehow sounds like if Billy Corgan commissioned an even balder, lobotomised version of himself to cover 1979 poorly. Listening to those hi-hats struggle to keep up with everything else was infinitely more enjoyable than the song, which is, quite frankly, saying quite a fucking bit. If there’s anything the world doesn’t need, it’s another terrible alt plodder band, and furthermore, that solo sucks hectic nut hammocks. Fuck off.
9. Dimensions – Traces
Oh, metalcore. You are incorrigible, aren’t you? No matter how many bands beat that trodden path, there are always more to step onto the trail and beat it even fucking further into the ground, one ‘blegh’ at a time. This song has at least some nice moments, but that would require you to sit through the two solid minutes of yawn prior to it, and even then, the good part lasts a whole twenty seconds. Oh, and it ends with one of those super-edgy discordant breakdowns. Pass.
10. Dooie Mus – Don’t Kill What You Hold Dear
I’m pretty sure the singer is a parakeet. Nice try, dutchmen, but I ain’t falling for that one. Hatebeak got away with it, but you can’t. This isn’t arty, nor is it underground, nor is it hipster, nor is it anything other than just shit. That’s what it is, and you know it. Don’t try and sell it as anything else, when your guitarist can’t even pretend to play in time. Awful.
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