Song Review: XAD – “SLUT”

Song Review: XAD – “SLUT”

Song review: SLUT
Band: XAD and Vicki Lovecat
Location: Haarlem, The Netherlands
Date of Release: 22nd December, 2012
Genre: Grunge…by the sounds of it heavily influenced by Marijuana
Reviewer: EriStoned

Oh fucking lawd! This is utterly ludicrous and what’s worse is that it’s actually really catchy. Seriously, fuck you cunts for writing something that is so poorly recorded, poorly performed and just all around shit but with enough catchiness to ensure that my brain can’t get rid of that chorus, no matter how much bleach I drink, no matter how many times I belt my forehead into the desk in front of me and no matter how many times I give myself a milk enema whilst simultaneously masturbating with sandpaper to the delightful strains of Betty White Reads: Little Women. Actually, that last bit was just my typical Tuesday night routine, but nevertheless, your retarded ear-worm of a “song” was with me, as pervasive and everpresent as the stench that follows Hotrod post-Mexican, constant as the gravity that anchors Thrillhouse’s freakishly large penis to the ground and as incessant as Thall’s cries during our IPHYB Head Office mandated “cuddle time” every afternoon.

This review is over. If the parts had have been recorded in time, it actually would have been bearable, but the laggy guitarwork, lethargic vocals and lobotomised drumwork render this ode to masturbatory glory damn near unlistenable. I would hazard a guess that everyone involved with this recording was baked as fuck when they were tracking their respective parts, and you can actually tell which members were slightly more baked than others by calculating the lag and extrapolating the data on an exponential curve. I took the liberty of providing a graph to illustrate it, but Emotion Lord ate it, mistaking it for his dinner (paper soaked in the tears of vanquished craptacular bands), so know you’ll have to wait 6 hours or so to get it back. I’ll warn you though, you may not want the end result after it’s passed through a bunch of Hydrochloric Acid, a few miles of intestines and worst of all, Emo Lord’s balloon knot.

Vocals: How high are you right now?
Guitars:
Bass:
Drums:
Production:
Lyrics:
Songwriting:
Overall IPHYB Rating:
Enjoyment Factor: …Yes

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Song Review: XAD – “SLUT”
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Chris Giacca

Publisher at IPHYB
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.

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Comments

  • Matthew Moodie

    Holy fuck the ‘singer’ for this trainwreck was begging my band to be our manager when I was in Haarlem.