Song Review: The Affronted – ‘Soulless’

Song Review: The Affronted – ‘Soulless’

Song: Soulless
Band/Artist: The Affronted
Location: Scone, NSA
Date of Release: 9th January 2015
Genre: Metalcore?
Reviewer: VoiceBox
For Fans Of: Nothing. No one could like this processed piece of badger shit.
Why They Aren’t Famous: It seems that they attempt to Dj0nt, but end up vomiting instead

I think this may be an all time low for me. I never thought I would ever find something this damn fake and ear-bleedingly badly produced in my life.

In order to tear this apart in the most effective way, I’ll start with the drums and slowly work my way to the pinnacle of awful which is the guitars. Now, I’m totally fine with programmed drums in modern metalcore – it happens all the time, no matter the size of the band and there is nothing we can do to change that. It’s a thing and as long as the drummer can play the parts live, it doesn’t really matter. That being said, I don’t think I’ve ever heard drum samples sound this shallow and lifeless in my whole life. If the drummer programmed these, which I doubt, he doesn’t know what the word “interesting” means. I would praise the performance but it’s played by a computer, so that’s completely irrelevant.

Is there any bass in this track? If there is, it is most likely programmed… so I might as well not even bother talking about it.

The vocals in this track are something else though. They are probably the only thing in this track that actually allows you to hear how truly bad the musician is. The screams are a gargled mess and are so badly mixed into the track that you can hear every weakness in his voice. There are some featured vocals on this track which have a slightly better range, but still sound like a cat being tortured with sandpaper. The lyrics are shit to boot.

Well what exactly did you think,
When this hollow ship started to sink?

Fucking really? Why do people always insist on sinking ships in modern -core?

I’ve placed all my disgust in you,
For all the shit you put me through.

Oh wow. This guy really knows how to cut deep. Remember kids – down the road, not across if you wanna be a proper 3mu.

Guitar time! I have to ask a question to whoever produced this song: How the flying squirrel’s anus have you made a guitar sound… like this? This honestly sounds like the guitarist has chugged once on each of the 4 frets that were used and cut together after being fed through a kettle and a hairdryer before distorting it so hard into their recording software that the notes he is “playing” are no longer relevant.

Apparently these guys have been around since 2011 under a different name… so you’d think at some point they would have decided to try and write some music. I can only presume this track was self-produced because no one in their right mind would be willing to pay for production that sounds this bad. Just listen to it. This is painful stuff.

There is only one positive thing about this whole song – at least they aren’t charging you for it.

Vocals – 3/10
Guitars: -9000/10
Bass: ?/10
Drums: Computer/10
Production: Broken/10
Lyrics: Emo Diary/10
Songwriting: 2/10
Overall IPHYB Rating: 2/10
Personal Enjoyment Factor: Burn It With Fire/10

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Song Review: The Affronted – ‘Soulless’
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