Artist: Operation Neptune Spear
Date of Release: March, 2016
Reviewer: Chris Giacca
For Fans Of: Obituary, Death, Eulogy, Will Reading, Open Casket Funeral
To Whom It May Concern,
The following is the last will of me, Christopher Vivian Evelynn Giacca III, as it reads on this, the 18th of April, 2016. I hereby state that this will is legally binding, as witnessed by a Justice of the Peace, and is to be read to the executor of my estate on the event of my death.
To my children, Mort, Mort Jr., and Mort Female, I leave my entire inheritance of one (1) pittance, to be split thrice, equally, and paid in yearly installments of 1/20th of a third of a pittance over twenty (20) years.
To my dog, Puss, I leave one hiding. To my cat, Rex, I leave one severed rat’s tail, to be harvested freshly from the head of a bogan child named Mathew (one ‘t’, not two) not more than a week after my passing.
To my estranged ex-wife, I leave three (3) cyanide pills. One (1) is to be ingested orally, one (1) as a pessary, and the final pill is to be taken as a suppository. She knows why.
To my beloved hand-maiden, Liam Ellery Botango Robnik, I leave my entire vault of pepes, to be accessed with the code ‘420N05c0p3B14z317’. Sale of said pepes is permissible, with the exception of the ‘ununseptium pepe’, the ‘pepes fucking SUCK dude pepe’, and the rarest of all, the ‘not actually a virgin pepe’. These are to be guarded with the utmost care, and never sold. There are, however, two exceptions to this clause. a) Martin Shkreli offers to buy all three pepes as a set for $2,000,000 USD, or b) Wu Tang Clan hacks into the cloud storage and takes them. These clauses must be executed within three (3) weeks, no later.
For those wondering my cause of death, I will detail the incident in full. I was browsing our submissions, and happened upon the song Disintegrate, by one-man-project Operation Neptune Spear. I opened the file, and after roughly 30 seconds, felt my head explode from the sheer awfulness of the song. In addition to the head explosion, I also soiled myself, shot myself in the stomach, and injected a lethal dose of colloidal silver that I had sitting around, because reasons.
I strongly urge everyone reading this note to refrain from listening to this song, lest you suffer the same ignominious fate as I have, this day. Obviously, I am penning this from beyond the grave, so to add insult to injury, the song was so bad it caused me to be stuck in limbo, in a semi-corporeal form for the rest of eternity. Avoid like the bubonic plague.
Christopher Vivian Evelynn Giacca III
P.S. As a bonus, I have included the hilarious blurb that came with his submission. Note the use of the plural ‘we’, for a one piece. It was the saving grace. Cheers.
We are a one piece melodic, political, groove, rock band from the bowels of deepest darkest South Yorkshire, England (Sheffield to be precise) formed in April 2015. All instruments are played by the Shez, our debut album was recorded solely on an Ipad (2nd gen) and can be downloaded for free via soundcloud. The Shez has been in bands since the age of thirteen and has played in excess of 100 gigs up and down the United Kingdom. Our sound has been described as the love child of Rage Against the Machine, Black Rebel Motor Cycle Club, Black County Communion and Nirvana.
Personal Enjoyment: 0/10
Overall IPHYB Rating: 1/10
Wanna help us help support local music? Check out our Patreon!
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.
Latest posts by Chris Giacca (see all)