Song review: Elitist
Band: Eclipse of Empires
Location: Texas, USA
Date of Release: 7th April, 2014
Genre: Groove Metal
Every now and then I come across a track so laughably terrible that I have to perform emergency surgery to my lacerated sides from the sheer mirth the band’s feeble attempts conjure out of me. I’m not sure whether it was the ridiculous inhales, the blatantly programmed drums with absolutely 0 attempt to make them sound even remotely organic, or the pitiful cleans that were mercifully buried deeper in the mix than my shaft was in Thrillhouse’s mum last night. At least she had the decency to give me a courtesy blowjob when her cavernous vagina was unable to finish the job, unlike these fucksticks who left me with nothing more than a wet noodle and a perforated ear drum. Not because this is particularly loud, because it isn’t, more because I was compelled to stave my inner ear drum in with a cue-tip in the hopes that a) my lack of equilibrium would topple me off my seat, releasing my headphones and saving me or b) I would permanently destroy my hearing, thereby ensuring that I would never have to listen to this drivel again.
The guitars are the only remotely bearable part of this song, and even they abuse more cliches than the Scary Movie franchise did throughout the entire series of films. Everything else in the song had me legitimately contemplating the logistics of how to ingest an entire bottle of cyanide pills and still leave enough time to cock and discharge my firearm into my temple so that I could ragequit existence in protest at having to review this steaming pile of excrement. In the end, said logistics got the better of me long enough to listen to this song through twice, which is 9:12 (4:36 each) that I’m certainly not getting back. Losing my virginity was a better time investment than that. Let’s just let that sink in.
Vocals: Screams: 2/10 Cleans: 1/10
Bass: petrol enema/10
Drums: 10 HOME 20 SWEET 30 GOTO 10/10
Production: bathtub full of hydroflouric acid/10
Overall IPHYB Rating: Here’s some fun: if I take the number 10 and multiply it by 0 what’s the answer? *hint* It’s the same as the overall score for this song
Enjoyment Factor: 0/10 I never want to even vaguely entertain the merest possibility that I may have to be subjected to this shit ever again. It’s like a Pear of Woe made incarnate in musical form.
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*Disclaimer: These shitcunts have taken down this song, presumably because it sucks hectic ballsack. This is the link to their music app which requires you to like their page. I strongly urge you to Like the page, listen to how terrible these fucknuts are and then unlike, but not before you have berated them mercilessly for being the musical equivalent of a lava enema.
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.
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