Song: Cabin Boy Jumped Ship – “Waste Away”

Song: Cabin Boy Jumped Ship – “Waste Away”

Song: Waste Away
Band: Cabin Boy Jumped Ship
Location: Leicestershire, UK
Date of Release: 25th May 2015
Genre: Electronic/Metalcore
Reviewer: Eurak Hunt (Tweet me @EurakHunt)
For Fans Of: Independent clothing brands
Why They Aren’t Famous: They are about 12 years late to a party they were never invited to.

Cabin Boy Jumped Ship, stylised as “CBJS”, and hereon in, shall be referred to as “Constipated Blow Job Syndrome”.

This talentless ensemble of merch-core thunderfucks hail from Leicester, United Kingdom.

“Can Baby Jesus Swim?” have been around for about 18 months, and in that short time, have amassed in excess of 12,000 Facebook likes and 14,000 Twitter followers – alas, buying likes isn’t the only talent of “Chris Brown’s Jock Strap”, this band have more lines of merch available than songs on iTunes. Need I really go into why this annoys me so much? Briefly, trawling through their Facebook shows posts of sincerity, stating their love for the music. It would be foolish of me to suggest this band are in it solely for financial gain, but when your T-Shirts outnumber your songs 2:1, it smells a lot like vanity to me.

When “Castle Bromwich Junior School” aren’t playing terrible music, they can be found in a garage, four miles east of Melton Mowbray, attempting to create a time machine that will take them back to 2003. Other pastimes include; not cutting their hair, refusing to learn their instruments and ripping off other band’s band names. In fact, the entire concept of “Clothing Brand Just Screamed?!” appears to me, as if it is a loosely based parody of their own collective existence.

It takes balls of steel/unparalleled confidence/sheer stupidity to submit your band to I Probably Hate Your Band…or it takes a forlorn manager who has no real emotional connection to the band’s material and whose only interest is in the amount of Facebook likes they could potentially accrue from it. Well, your wish is my command, Defiled Management!

This steaming pile of turd, aptly named “Waste Away” (the final words from the crew as Cabin Boy eventually Jumped Ship, and took all his dreadful songs with him) showed up in the IPHYB inbox earlier last week. A turd so majestic that it shadowed all other turds and would, potentially, be unrivaled until the day they stopped smearing their own faeces over T-shirts and saved a little bit to pump back into my ear-holes.

“Waste Away” is a flat, shallow, thoughtless sequence of chugs and preset GarageBand synth leads, served with a generous helping of tired, poorly performed, drawling vocals. The drums are ignorable, over processed, with no dynamics and cymbals that drench the entire song with a layer of white noise. The guitars are over-edited, generic B-riffs & pedestrian chugs that sound like they could have been directly imported from Guitar Pro 4. There is also a bassist.

The clean vocals, performed by the guitarist, were probably the least worst part of the song, mildly catchy but sadly was of no solace when the poorly enunciated, slack-jawed vocalist chimed back in. On the other hand, the drummer was not only kind enough to let a computer play his drum parts, he also allowed T-Pain’s producer to do all the pitching for his short lived singing cameo. Is this how life was back in 2003?

The song’s linear structure consists of intro, breakdown, chorus, “Oh Shit!” (Die), a poor attempt at a beatdown, chorus, breakdown, end. Now, I’m not saying a song needs to be complicated in order for it to be good, but this song is so basic, it makes the average iPhone wielding, Starbucks guzzling, Ugg boot wearing white girl look like an intriguing, mystifying phenomenon, worthy of critical acclaim.

Let’s imagine for a second that “Chris Benoit: Jury Service” somehow managed to make that time machine…

Guys, I don’t want you to go back to 2003, I just want you to go back to the night you had that pyjama party when you decided starting this awful band was a good idea. Just go back, roast marshmallows, have a pillow fight, pretend to drunk dial your ex, or whatever the hell else it is you get up to at those souirées. Just don’t make the same mistake – you’re only embarrassing yourselves.

Still, it seems like “Choir Boy Jettisoned Sperm” have managed to find a way of manipulating children more effectively than both Michael Jackson and the Pied Piper of Hamelin combined. Your band is just a poor excuse to shove merch down people’s throats and your music is shit.

Cheers.

Screams: 2/10
Singing: 4/10
“Singing” (Drummer): -4/10
Guitars: 2/10
Bass: Bass/10
Drums: 1.5/10
Production:3/10
Lyrics: 2/10
Songwriting: 1/10
Overall IPHYB Rating: 2/10
Personal Enjoyment: [No Comment]/10

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Song: Cabin Boy Jumped Ship – “Waste Away”
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