Song review: I’ve Built a Throne For You
Location: Lincoln, UK
Date of Release: 5th December 2013
. This review is a story of hotdogs. Why? Because I just ate one and went to eat another only to discover that it is, in fact, off. Good times. Why is this relevant? It probably isn’t, but I have a keyboard, so you will READ EVERY DAMN WORD THAT I HAVE TO WRITE!
Or alternately, you’ll just ignore this and skip straight to the ratings at the bottom anyway…That would be a solid decision, actually. I’d do that. [Show][Hide]
It gets a solid 5/10
So anyway, what we have here is your run of the mill Djent band, but it’s more like Djentcore. There is none of the time signature fuckery, interesting syncopation, super tech guitars or super slick production that you associate with Djent. Instead, you get a whole bunch of Metalcore stylings but with Djent tones. It’s actually oddly reminiscent of the second hotdog I went to eat. Who said my intro wasn’t relevant? I’ll bet you’re eating your words now!….fuck I’m hungry.
The only remotely interesting groove in the entire song is actually in the intro. I was really excited when I pressed play, only for me to totally lose my Djent-boner as soon as the song drifted into more stagnant waters. It’s not that it’s actually bad, it’s more that it gets really boring once the intro and first verse are over with.
It must be said though, one of the main culprits implicit in making this song a near-perfect cure for insomnia is the vocalist. Not only is he not particularly good, he also relies entirely on the same stock hardcore style scream. This song is 3:47 and it feels like 6 minutes. Think high-school-girlfriend-who-just-sort-of-lies-there-like-an-inbred-deer/starfish-hybrid-caught-in-the-headlights-of-carnal-delight. Boring. Lifeless. You’ll end up boredom-fapping your way through the last 2 minutes, which if you’re me, means you’ll get two solid faps in. At least I ticked that off my to-do list today.
Not much else to say really. The start is promising, but like most relationships, the sex tapers off once the initial lust wears off.
Overall IPHYB Rating: 5/10
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.
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