EP Review: Double Lined Minority – “Caught In The Ceasefire”

EP: Caught In The Ceasefire
Band/Artist: Double Lined Minority
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland
Twitter: @FollowDLM
Date of Release: 11th February
Genre: Pop Punk/Rock
Reviewer: Erised (abuse me on twitter @Giaccattack)
For Fans Of: Blink 182, The Offspring, Sum 41, Green Day
Why they aren’t famous: Because you touch yourself at night, that’s why!

Captain’s Log Stardate: 40215

It’s been a long day. My crew are starving, our resources dwindle. Have requested a care package from HQ to no avail. Some wise-ass at HQ made a crack about posting his shitty band’s CD instead, told him to go fuck himself. Probably get written up, but I don’t care. My men are dying, and so is my faith in God.

Captain’s Log Stardate: 70215

Furious. Private Terwilliger shit in the fucking cistern again. I’m sick of his fucking pranks. I haven’t eaten in a week, save for a piece of cheese I found under the fridge. Don’t ask why I was looking there. Retrieved a Jetsam parcel earlier today, in hopes it was the provisions we so desperately require. No luck. Just a fucking CD. If I make it out alive, I’m going to hand feed that smug little fuck’s mum my cheese kransky, video tape it and send him a copy.

Captain’s Log Stardate: 100215

Finally got some meagre supplies. Turns out fuckboy had sent the CD as a gag and then jettisoned the other package shortly after. Maybe I won’t send him the tape after all. Decided to give his crappy CD a spin anyway. Not like there’s much else to do on this god-forsaken rust bucket. Besides, we’re all bored with “I spy”. It’s always “space”. Or “Meteor”. Or “floating frozen block of turd”.

Captain’s Log Stardate: 110215

Decided when I get back to HQ I’m going to pour liquid nitrogen down fuckwit’s pants and crack his arse-cheeks with a sledgehammer. Can’t. Fucking. Stop. Hearing. These. Choruses. That son of a bitch can really write a melody. Was considering using the Experimental Brain-Bug Retrieval Unit to try and bore these hooks out of my head, then I remembered we used it to unblock Corporal Rigby’s impacted bowel. Decided against it.

Captain’s Log Stardate: 120215

Finally found something I can goad cockstain about. He may be able to sing, write great hooks and all but his guitar technique still needs some work. Did pick up some sketchiness in the riffs. Riffs themselves are pretty cool though, I guess. Not gonna tell him that though, fuck him.

Captain’s Log Stardate: 140215

White Flag won’t leave my head. We cleaned the EBBRU the other day and I was just about to use it when Big Jon clogged the toilet. I’m getting really sick of having to use a multi-million dollar piece of equipment to dislodge stools. Maybe I’ll ask the HQ requisitions dept. if they could jettison us a plunger. You would think that they would have given us one as standard issue, but apparently not. We have 10 different kinds of spatula for the kitchen, 15 different types of cheese grater but no fucking plunger. Typical. I should have listened to mum and went to med school. May God rest her zombie bones.

Captain’s Log Stardate: 170215

I hate to say it, but I’m actually enjoying the shit out of this CD. No fucking way I’m telling him that. Songs are top rate, even with the minor guitar technique flaw. Really well put together, everything is exactly where it should be, from the build ups to the tension release. Speaking of which, I’m gonna “release my tension” all over Private Brooks tonight. She’s gonna get it, and she doesn’t even know it yet. I’m gonna take off those overalls and really give her a thorough fuc…what was I saying? Oh yes, this CD. It’s pretty great. Particularly enjoying White Flag and Voodoo, although the other songs are damn solid too. I guess when I get back to HQ I’ll give jizzratchet a hi-five or something. Don’t want to go overboard and have him think I like him or something. He’s ok, I guess.

Vocals: 8.5/10
Guitars: 7/10
Bass: 7.5/10
Drums: 8.5/10
Production: 9/10
Lyrics: 9/10
Songwriting: 9/10
Overall IPHYB Rating: 8.5/10
Enjoyment Factor: 8.5/10

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EP Review: Double Lined Minority – “Caught In The Ceasefire”
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Chris Giacca

Publisher at IPHYB
Chris Giacca just may be the worst writer in the world, but it doesn't matter because he probably still has a bigger audience than you, so he is by default automatically right about everything. No exceptions. He's currently writing a novel which will be uploaded in single chapter installments as spoken word on bandcamp. Physical releases will be on laser disc only, limited to 17 1/2 units. Don't ask about the half.

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