Date of Release: (DATE OF RELEASE)
Genre: Hard Rock
For Fans Of: Bland unimaginative homages to bands that never got signed cause they ripped off well established Acts from the 80’s.
Why They Aren’t Famous: Because they missed the boat on their genre. And by that I mean were born twenty years too late, in a completely different country, heard about the 80’s metal genre boat, conducted their long arse pilgrimage to the boat in a slow strolling fashion, allowed three whole generations to pass them and when they finally get to the genre port, lo and behold, the port had been converted into a hundred generic cafes filled with hipsters writing love letters to lumberjacks with quill and ink. It’s just a shame that the hipsters never discovered this genre.
Cue title intro music
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to “DeadParrot’s self indulgent, profanity and ill-humour riddled pointless ranting on a topic he might know something about…possibly. Maybe” Hour. Now heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s DeadParrot.
You know what I did today? I masturbated over an image of a dead puppy’s corpse with Justin Bieber’s head ‘shopped onto it. For no reason whatsoever. Just thought it’d be something to cross off the ol’ bucket list.
Why am I telling you this? Because I searched high and low through the IPHYB submissions for a band I could spew hatred all over, but couldn’t find one. There’s not a single note of new-hole-rippin-worthy music in there. So instead I went home, found the appropriate images, opened photoshop, hit file>scripts>load files into stack> selected files > masked out beiber’s body> undid buckle> Pulled down zip> shimmied down mah pantaloons > grabbed mah wang > Stroked up >stroked down > repeated till I was flacid and satisfied or rendered to a state of cbf > burned computer.
So there you have it. That’s the worst that this review is gonna get. I mean I really tried to find something so truly abhorrent that not even giving a blowjob to to a catholic priest could absolve it’s mortal soul. The closest I found was a pretty middle of the road 4/10. oops. Spoiler alert.
And that’s where we are now. Calibur’s “Intoxicated”. This band that sounds like someone got a thousand dad jokes, and recorded the resulting cringes through Rolph Harris’ wobble board. I mean the performances are adequate, moreso in a lot of cases. But the style has just been flogged more than Rolph Harris wobble board by one of his victims.
The vocalist completely lacks imagination and seems to follow the guitar riff / melody during the chorus. Which is something I loath more than the victim’s of Rolph Harris hate the sound of his wobble board.
We’ll be back after these short messages.
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
We’ll shift our focus to the production. It’s not superb. There is a lot missing from the mix and everything just feels cheap. Which in this case doesn’t work in the band’s favour. For example, the kick drum sounds flat and lifeless. Kinda like Rolph Harris’ wobble board after a vigorous shaging…I mean shaking.
The guitars are played well enough. The tone is thin and much like the drum sound, aren’t really an inspiring listen at all.
We’ll take a break.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
I fear for the calendar, it’s days are numbered.
Overall I’m surprised that these guys are writing the equivilent of Rolph Harris…well you get the point. It’s a good trip down memory lane, if you spent the eighties and early nineties not commiting yourself to an early cocaine-fueled grave. But even then it’s akin to white bread with no butter.
Overall IPHYB Rating: 3.71/10
Personal Enjoyment Factor: 4/10
I Probably Hate Your Band is a shitty website full of asshole writers. We do nothing but destroy the hopes and dreams of young bands, and have never offered a single positive thing to the world. /Sarcasm
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